New, unhappy and unexplained NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
New, unhappy and unexplained NC
25
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 7:17am
Hello - I am new here and do hope I might be able to get a little support from you all.

I am M and have been having my A with an MM for almost 3 years. I adore him and he brings sunshine into my life like nothing else I have ever known. But, like you all, it is a rollercoaster - fantastic highs and dreadful lows. When it's good, it's like nothing on earth and makes you feel better than anything you can possibly imagine. When it's bad, it crushes you. For some reason - unexplained - we have had virtual NC for almost 3 weeks now. I know he's busy at work, I know that he recently had a W anniversary. But those things have remained unstated and there's been no explanation. It's true to say we've been through worse (arguments etc., he even finished it once). These days I am pretty good at coping with the up and the down (at the start of the A I was dreadful, all over the place). But for some reason I am finding this one really hard. It's longer than normal, by our standards. We usually email every working day - at least once. But the last 3 weeks have been so sporadic - and even then, very one-wordy. I have learnt, to my cost, that he reacts very badly to pressure - so I don't think I will help things by sending an email asking what's wrong. I've sent ones which ask "are you okay?" - and I just get "yes. busy." I know that when we enter into these relationships, that part of the deal is the push and the pull. You just have to learn to deal with it. But I am finding this soo hard. I feel agitated, tearful, lonely, crushed, empty. I know that no one can wave a magic wand for me - but any words of support and understanding would just really help me right now. Thank you all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:45am
Thanks for the BIG hug....I felt it!!! I just saw OM and he was very friendly, unlike earlier, he seemed to be more distant than ever (and they say women are moody). I agree with you tho, I think men don't know what they want. We have neither one been in a situation like this and we are stumbling our way through it. He talks to me about everything, but if we talk about us and our situation and it ending, he becomes very quiet. He tells me he just clams up and wants to just go to the barn and deal with his horses. He is a loner like that, it's his way of avoiding everything. I think deep down I know what he wants, he knows what he wants, but knows that right now in the present situation it is impossible. Last year about this same time we went through this same thing. We met in March before I left on spring break and didn't see each other again until July. He told me that he thought eventually we would end up in a "trainwreck". Us meeting more and more often, thinking of each other when we were with our spouses and then eventually liking what we have more than what we have at home........... which I think is exactly what has happened to him. If he talks to me about such things, then obviously he thinks about stuff, like where this is going and how to cope with it all. He told me in the fall that he felt "like me" that pretty soon this was going to be an "all or nothing" relationship........... the thing is I do love him, I do want to be with him, but......I want this to be what we do on the side. A place to escape and be together and have fun and be LOVED without conditions....... can it be that simple??? Why can we not just love each other and be together without thinking it has to be "forever"??? I've told him this, I have made no demands, so what is the problem??? I just want to break out into this hysterical laugh right now!!!!!!!! But on the other hand of that, I don't want to be his "bekon call girl" either. I think we'll see each other again, because I think of the intensity of that meeting in my room and the things that have been said the past few times together, that doesn't just disappear......cool off maybe, but not disappear. I think that I will pull out all the guns too, W wants to try to compete, let her........she will get tired of playing the W. She likes to have her own life, everyone around here knows it......there were major problems in that marriage long before I ever came into the picture. I was so unaware there was such trouble. She likes to put on that front of all being picture perfect, yet she is a major self-centered, witch and no likes her at all......I guess today I can take my pleasure in that.

Thanks again

Kitty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:56am
Neurotica, you need lay off the MM's now. Sounds like this guy is stringing you along and is a player. He is getting his needs and then leaving for "unexplained" NC. Go get yourself a new single guy and get the h*ll out of this board!!! I mean it sincerely...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 12:15pm
Juliet, Nerotica says she is M. Why would you tell her to look for a single guy? That;s just asking for trouble if you ask me.

And her NC is not totally unexplained. She said he had an anniversary around now. JMHO, but men get guilty feelings sometimes.

I know my MM, around the time of year we met, we've had NC the last couple of years. I think he gets a little guilty feeling around then.

And I don't know much about when his W's birthday or their anniversary is. Actually when I think back a couple years ago, we were supposed to get together one day but he cancelled the day before because the rendezvous day was his W's birthday. He said he wouldn't feel right seeing me on that day. But he didn't feel guilty I guess about seeing me the very day after!!

Anyways, there are various little times of NC when I feel that he's going thru something like maybe guilty feelings about things, and I give him his space til I hear from him again.

Its the nature of the game.

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 12:20pm
Thanks Dusty!!! Hugs back at you! BTW, I'm curious - what kind of things are you doing to help occupy your time? I'm alone a lot as well. DH and I work opposite schedules and he's often away on weekends. I've got the kids to keep me busy, but I also have a lot of down time. The late afternoon is when NC bothers me the most because that is when MM and I usually talk. I'm trying to find things (other than working out - been doing plenty of that lately) to take my mind of things.

Thanks again!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:07pm
OK Dusty, even if she is married, this guy plainly sucks. Not for me to judge whom she should be going out with but I just said it because there seems to more bad than good in her A. JMHO
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:25pm
Well hello....

My opinion on the NC is this....during certain periods of time...spring break - christmas and especially during the summer me and my MM have periods of NC - usually due to vacations, birthday's, holiday's, family gatherings etc -

We sort of have this joke that I take custody of him like you do the kids...you know the every other weekend thing - I will tell you this much - having a light hearted laugh about things makes it much easier -

I agree with another poster who commented she just know's "he will be back" -- I have found the less neurotic I am about seeing him (I see that is your name so don't take offense but the word worked there LOL) - the less stress he becomes and the easier it is for him to find the time for me and same goes for me -

When MM use to pressure me about spending "some" time with him I would instantly stress out and become a nutcase about how I was going to "find" this time -

The stress then comes out with H and kids and well needless to say you become a mental case like you are now....

Take a deep breath - you have invested a great deal of time into this EMA - I am sure when MM has time he will catch up with you- it's sometimes refreshing being away for a few weeks without seeing each other and only getting brief moments...it's INCREDIBLE that first encounter -

Focus on the good because you want to be understanding and smiling when he asks for time - Not playing head games...like you made me wait 3 weeks....ughhh hate that -

- you really have to understand he has priorities in his life

3 years now you obviously are a patient woman -

Kikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:49pm
Hi there, to answer your question about how do I keep myself busy? My H works 7 days/week and kids are busy so I'm alone alot. I used to sit there and daydream about MM alot. But no more. I'm not so obsessed with thinking about him as I used to be!! Don't know why exactly, except I guess because things are comfortable between us, and I know I will never hear from him on weeknights or weekends anyways. So I don't stress myself out over that anymore.

Now I work out too, have yoga one night a week. Also took up a couple of hobbies I used to be interested in. And now I've gotten into taking my dog for a walk everynight when I can and listen to music during that. These things make me feel happier with myself and life in general. Take care!!

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 2:14pm
hi dusty -- yes those are all good things FOR YOU!! isn't it great when we can just please ourselves, for ourselves, and not feel guilty or selfish about it. i ride my bike and take walks with the walkman bopping out my fave music and life is good. ladies and gentlemen, do something for yourself, anything you love or at least like alot. be kind to yourself and put your wellbeing first and then you can take care of the rest of the world!!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 7:48am
Wow - I am not really sure what to make of your response, to be honest, Juliet. I came to this board looking for support, not to be told to "get the hell off of it".

I am M too - as is he. Our A has lasted 3 years. Long enough to know that he is not a bad person. He is a beautiful person and that's why I love him. He may feel guilty, yes. He may get scared, yes. He may need to run away for a while, yes. But he's good enough for me to love.

I have not been doing this for 5 minutes. I have been doing this for 3 years. It's long enough to know the push and the pull which an A brings. But with this board I was hoping to find friends with whom I could talk and share. It doesn't matter how long you've been in a situation, stuff still happens which brings you down or which boosts you sky high - and you just want to share, you just need a little help, a little shoulder. I thought that was what this board was about.

Thanks for your response. It was certainly direct.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:40am
Hi Neurotica. There are definitely alot of us here that can relate to what you are going thru and are here to support you while you are dealing with NC.

The ladies on this board have helped me get thru NC in the past when it seemed it would never end!!

Sh*t happens. And you are left without knowing. My MM was really busy at work trying to keep his company going. He was also ill. I think he was also feeling a little guilty about our R as it was near our anniversary mark.

These things DO keep them from us. But just remind yourself, if its meant to be, you will get back together with him. I tried to keep up the good thoughts as I was going thru NC, and one day, he got ahold of me again and we resumed our R.

It depends what you're willing to live with. I know with my MM, because he is a decent guy he does sometimes feel guilty and maybe thinks about ending it. But so far he's always come back to me. It will be a sad day if he decides one day, not to. But until then, I will take it one day at a time. Good luck to you,

Dusty
xxxx