New, unhappy and unexplained NC
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New, unhappy and unexplained NC
| Fri, 04-02-2004 - 7:17am |
Hello - I am new here and do hope I might be able to get a little support from you all.
I am M and have been having my A with an MM for almost 3 years. I adore him and he brings sunshine into my life like nothing else I have ever known. But, like you all, it is a rollercoaster - fantastic highs and dreadful lows. When it's good, it's like nothing on earth and makes you feel better than anything you can possibly imagine. When it's bad, it crushes you. For some reason - unexplained - we have had virtual NC for almost 3 weeks now. I know he's busy at work, I know that he recently had a W anniversary. But those things have remained unstated and there's been no explanation. It's true to say we've been through worse (arguments etc., he even finished it once). These days I am pretty good at coping with the up and the down (at the start of the A I was dreadful, all over the place). But for some reason I am finding this one really hard. It's longer than normal, by our standards. We usually email every working day - at least once. But the last 3 weeks have been so sporadic - and even then, very one-wordy. I have learnt, to my cost, that he reacts very badly to pressure - so I don't think I will help things by sending an email asking what's wrong. I've sent ones which ask "are you okay?" - and I just get "yes. busy." I know that when we enter into these relationships, that part of the deal is the push and the pull. You just have to learn to deal with it. But I am finding this soo hard. I feel agitated, tearful, lonely, crushed, empty. I know that no one can wave a magic wand for me - but any words of support and understanding would just really help me right now. Thank you all.
I am M and have been having my A with an MM for almost 3 years. I adore him and he brings sunshine into my life like nothing else I have ever known. But, like you all, it is a rollercoaster - fantastic highs and dreadful lows. When it's good, it's like nothing on earth and makes you feel better than anything you can possibly imagine. When it's bad, it crushes you. For some reason - unexplained - we have had virtual NC for almost 3 weeks now. I know he's busy at work, I know that he recently had a W anniversary. But those things have remained unstated and there's been no explanation. It's true to say we've been through worse (arguments etc., he even finished it once). These days I am pretty good at coping with the up and the down (at the start of the A I was dreadful, all over the place). But for some reason I am finding this one really hard. It's longer than normal, by our standards. We usually email every working day - at least once. But the last 3 weeks have been so sporadic - and even then, very one-wordy. I have learnt, to my cost, that he reacts very badly to pressure - so I don't think I will help things by sending an email asking what's wrong. I've sent ones which ask "are you okay?" - and I just get "yes. busy." I know that when we enter into these relationships, that part of the deal is the push and the pull. You just have to learn to deal with it. But I am finding this soo hard. I feel agitated, tearful, lonely, crushed, empty. I know that no one can wave a magic wand for me - but any words of support and understanding would just really help me right now. Thank you all.

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Thanks again
Kitty
And her NC is not totally unexplained. She said he had an anniversary around now. JMHO, but men get guilty feelings sometimes.
I know my MM, around the time of year we met, we've had NC the last couple of years. I think he gets a little guilty feeling around then.
And I don't know much about when his W's birthday or their anniversary is. Actually when I think back a couple years ago, we were supposed to get together one day but he cancelled the day before because the rendezvous day was his W's birthday. He said he wouldn't feel right seeing me on that day. But he didn't feel guilty I guess about seeing me the very day after!!
Anyways, there are various little times of NC when I feel that he's going thru something like maybe guilty feelings about things, and I give him his space til I hear from him again.
Its the nature of the game.
Thanks again!
GB2
My opinion on the NC is this....during certain periods of time...spring break - christmas and especially during the summer me and my MM have periods of NC - usually due to vacations, birthday's, holiday's, family gatherings etc -
We sort of have this joke that I take custody of him like you do the kids...you know the every other weekend thing - I will tell you this much - having a light hearted laugh about things makes it much easier -
I agree with another poster who commented she just know's "he will be back" -- I have found the less neurotic I am about seeing him (I see that is your name so don't take offense but the word worked there LOL) - the less stress he becomes and the easier it is for him to find the time for me and same goes for me -
When MM use to pressure me about spending "some" time with him I would instantly stress out and become a nutcase about how I was going to "find" this time -
The stress then comes out with H and kids and well needless to say you become a mental case like you are now....
Take a deep breath - you have invested a great deal of time into this EMA - I am sure when MM has time he will catch up with you- it's sometimes refreshing being away for a few weeks without seeing each other and only getting brief moments...it's INCREDIBLE that first encounter -
Focus on the good because you want to be understanding and smiling when he asks for time - Not playing head games...like you made me wait 3 weeks....ughhh hate that -
- you really have to understand he has priorities in his life
3 years now you obviously are a patient woman -
Kikki
Now I work out too, have yoga one night a week. Also took up a couple of hobbies I used to be interested in. And now I've gotten into taking my dog for a walk everynight when I can and listen to music during that. These things make me feel happier with myself and life in general. Take care!!
Dusty
life
I am M too - as is he. Our A has lasted 3 years. Long enough to know that he is not a bad person. He is a beautiful person and that's why I love him. He may feel guilty, yes. He may get scared, yes. He may need to run away for a while, yes. But he's good enough for me to love.
I have not been doing this for 5 minutes. I have been doing this for 3 years. It's long enough to know the push and the pull which an A brings. But with this board I was hoping to find friends with whom I could talk and share. It doesn't matter how long you've been in a situation, stuff still happens which brings you down or which boosts you sky high - and you just want to share, you just need a little help, a little shoulder. I thought that was what this board was about.
Thanks for your response. It was certainly direct.
The ladies on this board have helped me get thru NC in the past when it seemed it would never end!!
Sh*t happens. And you are left without knowing. My MM was really busy at work trying to keep his company going. He was also ill. I think he was also feeling a little guilty about our R as it was near our anniversary mark.
These things DO keep them from us. But just remind yourself, if its meant to be, you will get back together with him. I tried to keep up the good thoughts as I was going thru NC, and one day, he got ahold of me again and we resumed our R.
It depends what you're willing to live with. I know with my MM, because he is a decent guy he does sometimes feel guilty and maybe thinks about ending it. But so far he's always come back to me. It will be a sad day if he decides one day, not to. But until then, I will take it one day at a time. Good luck to you,
Dusty
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