New, Utterly confused, and scared, help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
New, Utterly confused, and scared, help!
2
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:37am
Hi everyone. I'm new here, and I have come here because I'm having some problems with my relationship(s). I live with my current boyfriend of 1 year. (have been for about 9 months.) I have a "friend" we'll call him J. He was there for me as a great friend thru my divorce, but of course it was not a platonic friendship. We slept together and dated off & on for about 3 months. At that time I became pregnant with his child. I did not tell him and we ended our relationship. I opted for an abortion because I was going thru a divorce at the time and I would not have been a suitable mother to that child. (not something I'm proud of). However, about a year later, J & I met up and talked about this (my friend had told him I was pregnant). I have had deep feelings for J since the beginning. He always had feelings for me, but our lives did not "mesh" at the time. Since I've lived with my boyfriend, we'll call him W, I have put off talking with or seeing J for the most part because of my feelings for him. However, last night I met up with him and we had a very long in depth talk. He wants to start a relationship with me. Of course we ended up having sex, which I am kicking myself for today, because I'm scared that I was used (as I have felt that in the past with him), and scared for my relationship with my boyfriend. From what J tells me he truly wants to be with me and I believe him. But there's the skeptical side of me that feels that he was just saying that to make me happy. However, he has never opened up to me in that way before.

If I had to chose, I would chose J, knowing that he would be faithful and committed to the relationship. However, living with my boyfriend, it makes it hard to pursue anything. I can't afford to move out on my own right now, and I DO love my boyfriend, but the deep feelings are for J.

I am so scared, and so confused, I don't even know where to start. J has asked me to see him tonight, which I can't but desperately want to. He wants me to come to his work Sunday and take me out to dinner on Tuesday. Do I follow thru with this and be paranoid the whole time, or do I try to put J in the past? My heart feels that this is right with J, but it's not something we can rush into either.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:49am
Honey, I have seen plenty of post like yours where there is J and W and you. Whatever problem it is that you have, you have get out the R's you have been so far. They are not making you happy, or else why would you be confused and scared? Dump both of them and get a new healthy R for your sanity's sakes.. Both of the guys don't sound normal to me. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:45pm
hi meg. i just have to say that you are not married to W or J and so you can decide for yourself and in your own best interests what you want for your life and your future. yes you have "deep" feelings for J, including an unwanted pregnancy, but don't read all that much into those feelings. J is all talk and no action girl. and you are obviously unsure of your feelings for W or you wouldn't be "confused" would you?

you need to start over and just date for goodness sake. live on your own, without W or J and go on real dates with J or other men and find out what you like and what you don't. find yourself and figure out what will make you happy. frankly i don't think J is the right path for you to follow. he's had his many chances and you still don't have a clear picture of a R with him.

think about what you want and need for a good, healthy, sane future and go for it!