Newbie !!

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Newbie !!
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 5:55pm

Hello im a newbie !!

Great site for some support :smileyhappy: Well here is my story

I have been separated for 2.5 yrs with 2 boys of 9 and 5.  I have had a few bf nothing special.  In Jan i started seeing a guy from a dating site.  He was bored in current relationship.  He was upfront from the start that he had a gf.  It has built up and up over time.  I wasnt expecting it to get so involved if im honest.  We are in love and we miss each other loads when we not around each other.  The connection we have is amazing.

He said a week ago that he will leave his gf for me.  Ever since I have had cold feet.  It is now becoming reality and it does scare me. I cant help thinking about the the fact that he may get bored and find someone else over time. He says I need to trust him but i do find it hard esp thinking about the future.  I try to block it out but i do struggle.  There is also one other part he has a holiday booked with her to Hawaii !! for 2 wks that was booked ages ago in 2 wks time.   I have said i am fine for him to go more because i have detroyed her life enough and i do feel guilty but at the same time i cant pull away.  Now it is getting closer the thought of them going is eating me up.  He has said when he gets back he will tell her they are finished.  Part of me is thinking now he shouldnt be going or am i being selfish.....the situation is driving me crazy.  Your thoughts appreciated xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
In reply to:
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 11:43am
Pgirlaa, I would be insecure about my AP going on such a long trip with his S.O too! I guess it's only natural for us to feel that way. If he's pretty sure he's going to break-up with her after the trip, I think it would make more sense to end it before the trip. I guess he's thinking by carrying on with the trip it'll 'soften' the blow of the news for her.

But if you are uncomfortable about it, you should voice out your concern. You must also realize a vacation like this can also make him change his mind about leaving her. I wish you all the best!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
In reply to:
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 11:50am
It doesnt make sense to go at all if he is planning to break up with her immediately after. She will probably be more angry and it will forever ruin her memories of that trip. My APs wife is trying to plan something similar. A year ago i would not have said anything. But he to is planning to separate from her about that time. I basically told him that this is one of those points where if he goes he is sending her the wrong message and it really is cruel to break up right after. Basically i said i didnt want to do this any more if he goes. It will also be too hard on me and sends me some really weird signals too. So apparently he will refuse to go at all costs. We'll see. If he does i will not be here for him when he gets back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
In reply to:
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 12:27pm

Welcome pgirlaa!

I would be bothered too if I were in your position. There are a few slightly disturbing things here. First, if he really is planning on leaving to be with you in right after the trip, why go on this trip at all? It seems a bit cruel to his GF. If he breaks it off with her right after the trip, she will probably realize that he was already planning it, and it will likely make her feel used and foolish. There she is being whisked off to a tropical vacation, having a nice time, when all the while he knows he will dump her when its all over. Also, I'm assuming they will probably be initmate on this vacation? For her sake I really hope not, because that really would be the most hurtful thing imaginable. Yikes! 

Do they have kids? Is that maybe why he is unwilling to cancel the trip? I can understand more if that is the case. but if not, he is just further hurting both of you. 

If he does come back and becomes single, I'd take the relationship very slowly and cautiously. I think there is a reason why you are getting cold feet, rather than feeling elated. Never ignore your gut instincts! 

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
In reply to:
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 6:46pm
At least you didn't find about the vacation while he was there with some chick. And you didn't find out from a mutual "so called" friend by accidentally hearing her showing someone the pic of the gogeous view from his hotel room. Yeah, ouch!!!! She is no longer a friend.
You don't get honesty often, and you are lucky. I know it isn't easy, but you can't torture yourself by thinking of his vacation. It will kill you and, quite frankly, waste your time. I think of all the things I could have done for me while thinking of what he's doing. Now when I think of ap, I find something I like yo do or clean.
No you aren't selfish. You want to be happy. You talked about destroying her life. You care about the outcome of your actions. Not crazy nor selfish.


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