newbie here

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
newbie here
6
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 7:20pm
Hi, I’m new to this board. I used to post on the Ending board, but after 2 ½ years of being w/out MM I decided to go back and give it a try. I don’t like the EMA situation but I am going to give this a try in the hopes that he will decide to D. Our EMA before was very… I guess platonic could be a word used to describe it. Over the course of about 2-3 years our friendship developed and sort of “naturally” evolved to the physical and deep feelings developed on both our sides. However, instead of going with the flow and letting things naturally progress, I abruptly ended it. We were both married. About 6 months later I decided I wanted to D my H. Then a few months ago I initiated contact with MM to see whether or not things in his life changed. Well they didn’t. But he says he misses me and would like to…basically…give me another chance. Yeah, I feel like he is the one giving me a chance. He’s giving me the opportunity to show him that I’m worth leaving a marriage for. And in a way I’m giving him a chance. I’m giving him the opportunity to show me he has the cajones to do it. Does this sound like it’s not such a good idea? Something about this is not setting right within me, but I want to go through with this just because. Because I really want to be with him, because I’m curious. Because I think (or maybe thought) that he really loved me. Because I’m lonely for him? Because I love him? I don’t know. Any insight?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: lunachick80
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 9:40pm
I can't begin to tell you how many things are wrong with what you posted.

But I will try.

First, you are divorced. You can date anyone you want. Why would you go back to a married guy? Are you TRYING to hurt yourself???

Second, you are going to prove to him that you are WORTH leaving his marriage for? If that isn't a doomed proposition, I don't know what is. If you measure your worth based on whether or not he leaves his marriage for you, you are going to be facing some pretty awful self-worth issues. He is not likely to leave his marriage. NO married person is likely to leave their marriage for their affair partner. Sure, it happens. But for you to be placing yourself in the position of trying to prove to him that you are worth it - well, it is just plain destructive.

Third, you are divorced!! You can date anyone you want! So, why would you take up with this married guy again, when it is only going to hurt you (see above)?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: lunachick80
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 9:59pm
Hi Lunachick. I remember you from the Ending board.

"He’s giving me the opportunity to show him that I’m worth leaving a marriage for."

Did he say that, or is that your interpretation?

Fact: Your worth (or his interpretation of it) has nothing to do with his leaving, or not leaving, his marriage. In actuality it might even backfire on you, if he thinks you lack enough self-respect that your entire life is on hold while you are hanging around waiting for him to decide if he wants to leave his marriage.

I do know how hard it is, so I'm not being critical. I sense that you need to take this journey to learn it for yourself, but Lunachick, it's not going to be a pretty lesson.

I wish you the best...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
In reply to: lunachick80
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 10:46am
Lunachick,

Hate to sound like a broken record but its true that you can't measure your worth by whether or not he leaves his marriage.

Your D, enjoy life, find someone who can truly devote themselves to you so that you dont endure any more pain.

There is a reason why the EMA ended, why go through it all again?

I wish you the best but do whats right for you

Sweettendencies

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
In reply to: lunachick80
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 9:13pm
Thanks for the input and I have one idiotic point in regards to being divorced and "free". I have been dating other guys since for the past 2 years, and I have not yet come across anyone that I really like. Not even half as much as I liked MM. And MM and I didn't even do anything together like date or have sex or make out or anything. Well we got physical once, but that was it. I just like him a lot. Hey, I just answered my own question. I guess I just have to keep waiting till someone I really like comes along. You guys are right, I should not have backtracked. Oh man, I feel so...silly. Hey, just the other day I told him all this stuff about how much I miss him, how much I think of him, how I'm willing to just deal with him and take it one day at a time. How does that make me look in his eyes? Weak and vulnerable? He called me the very next night and left a message on my machine. He's NEVER done that before. Thank goodness I wasn't home. What do I do the next time he calls? Tell him I've woken up and changed my mind about seeing him? Or just tell him I'm busy and keep brushing him off till he gets the message?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: lunachick80
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 11:31am
If you just blow him off, you are not giving the relationship the closure YOU deserve. Tell him you are done with him for now - that you had a momentary lapse, that while you have feelings for him, you want someone who is AVAILABLE, so if and when he is to let you know. Then move on!!!

P.S. Being vulnerable is vastly UNDER-rated. Nothing wrong with having human feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lunachick80
Wed, 10-01-2003 - 1:28pm
luna, i agree with yoga. tell him like it is. be honest and let him know you are moving on -- for you and your future. that's his decision whether to stay in his marriage or not.

move on and be happy!

take care,

gurl