Newbie here, and worried sick

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Newbie here, and worried sick
8
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 11:37am
I'm in an "emotional affair" right now, and have been for several years. It was physical, but due to being separated by many, MANY miles (work), it's purely emotional right now. Am I in the right place? I'm so sad and worried and need a place to talk to someone who understands.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 12:48pm
I thought I was in the right place. Guess I was wrong. Sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 12:57pm
hope e-mail me at this address maybe

I can give you a bit of insight that

I have learned for being in a emotional

affair for well over 4yrs.

lifeiskind@yahoo.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 12:57pm
Honey, we get a lot of "new here" everyday - so we might have been a little late in getting that cup o' java to you. You definitely are in the right place!! Keep posting....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 1:54pm
Thanks for letting me know I was in the right place. I was feeling foolish for a minute, thinking I should have posted elsewhere.

Long story short, I have known this man for over a decade. I've been married for 15 years; MM married for 18. Neither of us has any reason to leave our current marriages, and we are (usually) content with what our relationship is. It just IS. We are great friends, and if we meet face to face again, we will be lovers again. If not- well, that's the way the ball bounces. We love each other dearly for who we are and what we mean to each other. We have never fought, never had a disagreement about our relationship; we accept what we can and cannot have, and it's worked for so long that it must be right for us.

My problem is this: He's in Iraq. E-mails are sporadic, and I am worried to death about him. He can use the phone occasionally, and I understand and completely agree that those calls and e-mail time should be spent on his wife and his children. I would be disappointed if he wasted them on me. But now I'm wondering every day if he's safe. There is no way I would ever know if anything happened to him; no one knows about us EXCEPT us.

I find myself checking CNN's "casualty list" and breathe a huge sigh of relief when I don't see his name on it. I know it's completely unhealthy, but I know of no other way to reassure myself.

I guess the point to my rambling is that I am scared for my friend. More than anything else he is my dear friend, and I just get antsy when I don't hear from him. It's not his fault, I know that, but I still worry. We've known each other for so long, I don't know what my life would be like without him in it.

Thanks for listening:)

BTW: My husband and I have an "open" marriage, and he knows all of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 2:50pm
hope honey, of course, you're worried for him!! MM is someone you obviously care about very, very much and he's in a war zone!! and it's definitely not strange that you check the CNN list.

can you at least write to him? you might try getting his military address through the red cross or if he emails you, just ask him to send the address so you can write and you can send him paper, envelopes already addressed to you and stamped, so all he has to do is write and mail it off.

i'll keep both of you in my prayers and i hope he comes back safe and sound!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 5:04pm
Thanks for responding, Gurl.

Snail mail is really,REALLY slow. E-mail is quicker, but with them having to jockey for online time, it's sometimes just as slow. Also, we agreed to never write with pen and paper while he's over there-just in case something happens, he doesn't want those particular personal effects going home to his wife. I don't either- as hard as this is on me, this has to be absolutely horrible for her. There is no talk of love or anything that would be taken out of context if it were to get to her, but I still wouldn't want her to hurt like that. I mean, it would hurt me tremendously to to know that my husband had a secret friend for this long, even though we ARE open.

His position is "classified," so I don't know where exactly he is. For all I know, he could be in Kuwait or he could be in Baghdad. The last time I heard from him was on December 5th.

My sister is going through the exact same thing with her hubby, so I know for a fact that he's not intentionally hurting me. I trust him that he will write when/if he has time. The waiting is what really sucks.

In the meantime, it's getting really hard not to snap at anyone around me. I need to stop obsessing and do something productive, like take my Christmas tree down!

Thank you for your thoughts, and thanks for making me feel like I'm not weird.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 1:42am
Hi, I am new too, just needed a place to vent. I love my husband dearly, he is so good to me and our kids. He is loyal and kind and I don't want to hurt him. However, for the past year I have been increasingly infatuated with and attracted to his brother, I think I have fallen in love with him and it is killing me. He is single but living w/someone and they are at our house ALL the time, my H and his bro are best friends so the four of us hang out alot. I can't say or do anything about this, it would only lead to heartbreak and prob. humiliation for me but God it is so hard. I think he senses something and I also think he is attracted to me but if he only knew! I am obsessed with him. It hurts to be in his presence and it hurts to be away from him. We went away for a week in the summer and I was depressed and anxious the whole time, I couldnt even enjoy being with my family because being away from him that long almost drove me crazy. I feel like I am having a profound emotional affair with him, only by myself if that makes any sense. I think eventually I will end up confessing to him, or making a pass at him, or something b/c I am like a pot about to boil over. I don't want to ruin my life! What can I do, I can't stand wanting him like this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 10:24am
hey 2003 -- you need to put lots of space between you and the brother, right now! if you haven't made a move on him yet, please don't! this potential situation can cause major upheaval, not only in your M, but with your H's entire family!! it will NOT be pretty!

if you love your H, put the romance back into your life and M. go away overnight to a great hotel, take a bubble bath, have a great dinner and lots of wine. throw yourself back into your M instead of focusing all your energy on the "what ifs" with the brother.

seriously, i only see heartbreak and destroyed family relations ahead.

be careful,

gurl