Newbie here - need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2008
Newbie here - need advice
2
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 3:07am

Hi Everybody!


have been lurking around these boards for a while and feels like I really need to share my story with all you wonderful people out here. Long story short, have fallen into an intense love affair turned PA, with my best friend of 17 years. He has always had a crush on me and I am really convinced about his unconditional love for me. We both are married. I have 2 kids and he has a girl and a baby due soon. Things are pretty messy as you can imagine. Both my H and his W has denied a divorce, his W has even attempted suicide. Still he is sure of his decision to have a life with me. We have both tried all ways to stay apart with real good support from both our spouses and my family, including MC. has attempted NC for 2+ months which just made me realise that my life can never be complete without him. My H is being wonderful, our M was good, though AP is the person who understand me and loves me completely, I have no complaints against H. I am trying to maintain the balanced approach, where we can somehow manage these 2 relations. He has shifted to another state, but distance just makes the heart more fonder and it is frustrating when there is so much love inside us and we are kinda tied down. He wants me to join him but I dont think I am strong enough to take such a decision. My H is unaware that we are back in contact and it will kill him if he comes to know that. And the most painful part is handling physical closeness from both our spouses. He says he doesnt love her anymore and cant have S with her, it is the same with me. Really tough having to handle H. We really want to be together but our hands are tied. About AP, he is someone who is very special to all who know him and really popular too. A very nice guy, this is the only issue where he has hurt someone in his life. We share a very special closeness. Never felt insecure with

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 2:35pm

>>>"What is it that I shoud do."<<<

Only you know what you should do. And I know you know what YOU should do. Stop playing victim by your circumstance. No one is tied in this country of the free. Take control of your life and go for what will make you happy. I would caution you about jumping from one R to another though, it's good on TV dramas and fantasyland but usually not in RL.

Look, you're a grown up woman with kids and responsibilities. Take a realistic look at your life without the thick fog of the A. You can't be serious in thinking to have both men in your life. That's not fair for your H and his W (not to mention the time you'll both be stealing away from the kids. No one in an A can be there 100% for their family). Your H and his W deserved to be with someone who'll want to be there for them 100%. It won't be easy and there will be lots of hurts but I think it's better to just cut the cord instead of fooling them behind their backs and living a double life.

I don't think you can control what you're AP will do, but you have control of yourself. My advice would be to you. Get a trial separation so you'll be free to sort out what you really want. Don't count on an AP waiting in the wings 'cause he may not be there especially if he have another child on the way. Also, if you feel that there is something lacking in your life, you're better off filling that void within yourself instead of looking onto someone else to fill it.

Good luck to you.

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com
Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2008
Sun, 10-19-2008 - 3:13am

Thanks goddess and single guy for your suggestions. I know its me who have to finally take the decision. Was looking for a 3rd person's opinion who wont see things emotionally.


Goddess, I know what I want and I know I lack the courage to take the huge step. Maybe a little more time is what I want. Your feelings are what me and my AP feel strongly, we were not caught, we disclosed the A to our partners with the intention of seperating. But since the formal procedure will depend a lot on their stand on this issue, and since both have said cut and dry that they will never give us divorce, we dont know if our RL can ever be legalised.


Singleguy, he is living seperate from his wife as of now. Staying here in our small town after the A was out was not feasible and it was our idea to change state since we cant live together here. About getting D from his wife, she has denied it, he is hoping that we living together will some day force her to grant it to him.


We both hate this kind of double life, where we cant be ourseleves with our partners and we both know we want