Newbie....it's over and I feel so lost!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Newbie....it's over and I feel so lost!
2
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 7:36pm
Hi..I've posted once before a long while ago, but mainly have been lurking here for months. But I'm so depressed about my A ending, that I just need to write down what is swimming in my head. First a little background - I'm 37, married, no kids...my OM is 52, divorced (but in a serious relationship with a MW...I know it's complicated!). Our A began 6 months ago. It started out much the same way that most A's do...strictly physical. But it quickly moved to an emotional level (on MY part only). OM never acknowledged any feelings or emotional ties to me, however I confessed to him that I was starting to feel *more* for him as our A continued. We would try and get together at least once a week, if it was possible. We live 55 miles apart, and our work schedules would often prevent us from being together. Our *meetings* would usually consist of him coming over to my house while H was at work...or me going up to see him on Sundays. Sometimes I would go up to see him early in the morning during the week on one of my days off and we would spend the whole afternoon together...oh, how I miss those days! We also would talk through e-mails, instant messaging, and cell phone conversations several times a week...usually to make arrangements for our next *meeting*. The complicated part is this OW that he's in a relationship with. SHE is the reason that he divorced his W...he thought she was going to leave her H by now...but she hasn't done so yet. I'm sure that has alot to do with why and how we stumbled upon each other. He was frustrated over her "stalling"...and I was frustrated because I wasn't getting attention at home from my H. Well...a few weeks ago he mentioned that OW was "getting close" to leaving her marriage and when that happened, he wanted to have a life with her. I knew this fact when we started the A, 6 months ago...I just chose not to acknowledge it...until now. He told me he cared about me, but that he LOVED her. Being the emotional person that I am, this hurt me A LOT..but I never told him that. I just continued to care for him, and that caring started to grow into love. It was very difficult trying to sustain such a one-sided relationship...but somehow I managed to do it for 6 months. I just refused to acknowledge the fact that OM would never feel for me what he feels for OW...it was just too painful of a realization. So I just pushed it out of my mind for as long as I possibly could. I would casually bring it up and ask him about OW leaving her H from time to time...and his reply was always the same - "She hasn't done anything yet"...usually said in a disgusted tone of voice.

Fast Forward to Wednesday of last week...we meet in a nearby Forest Preserve and went for a walk. Things seems pretty normal...we brought a blanket and found a very secluded spot and had an impromptu makeout session. Afterwards, we stopped off for lunch and then I had to get ready for work, so we said our goodbyes and went our seperate ways. We had made plans to see each other again on Sunday. Sunday comes and as it turns out, I had to call and cancel my plans to stop by and see him. He didn't seem disappointed...which bothered me a bit. When I checked my e-mail on Sunday night, there was a message from him. It was basically a "goodbye" letter..this came as a TOTAL shock to me. In the letter he said that he felt as though he had been leading me on and using me and that he didn't want to hurt me. He said that he cared about me and liked being with me, but that the last few times we were together, he was feeling guilty afterwards. I'm just so confused by his sudden urge to want to end our A. It hurts SO bad...I can't even think straight. I sent him a reply to his e-mail basically stating that if this is what he truly wanted, then fine...we can end it. But I also told him how angry I was that he didn't have the nerve to end it face-to-face. I haven't heard back from him...and it's just breaking my heart. I miss him SO much! I didn't realize until now, how much I love this man...and it's just killing me that he doesn't feel the same way. I know there was no hope for our A to be anything more than what it was for that very reason, but it still hurts. I feel like I lost my best friend. I don't know what to do...please advise! Thanks in advance!

bfly

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 7:05am
I don't know if I can help, but I can listen. It sounds like you will learn a lot from this experience. I know your pain, oh too well, and especially when love is gone without a reason it hurts the most.I can only offer my hugs and tell you it will get better. Remember to keep your pride, someone told me that once.. and you will learn from this too. With you new knowledge you will move on, meet new people and realize he wasn't what you needed. Maybe at the time, but you need more and eventually you will find it. hang in there...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 10:04pm
I am so sorry. I can only imagine the pain you are going through. The thing that has gotten me through losing someone without wanting to is keeping my pride. Think that you don't want a man that doesn't want you. That you want someone that loves you just as much as you love him. You deserve that! I know at times that won't be enough, but without a doubt, he isn't the man for you. Because if he was, he'd have seen what a wonderful person you are and not have given you up for anyone, for any reason. Remember that...That's what I tell myself, when I wonder if my mm will be able to leave when his w starts crying and begging him to stay. And I know that will happen. So if he backs down and tells me he just can't in the end, well, it will be the end. Because I can't and won't beg. I can't and I won't stick around for the pain of knowing he must in the end love her more. I won't play second to another women, other then a child. If he can't leave in the end, then it just isn't meant to be. And somehow, someway it will be ok.