new...can't believe my situation...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
new...can't believe my situation...
3
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 9:11pm

i'm a mom of 7, M for 14 years. H is a good father, provider, and when in a good mood, fun to be around. However, he suffers from anxiety and ocd, and when his stress level is up, he is impatient, cranky, oppressive, and control-freakish. I'm a very upbeat, fun-loving and energetic person. For over a year now, his moodiness, paranoia, and downbeat attitude have been sucking the life out of me, and I've told him so. In fact, I had to email him a letter about a month ago because he was so rude in conversations that I couldn't be heard. He complains about my housekeeping, my cooking, and also refuses to contribute to anything outside of working. That's fine with me, but he treats me badly when I do things, demanding that I do them his way (yet he's unwilling to assist or even make simple requests--only complains after the fact). He has a social outlet/hobby, and is absorbed in that most of the time he's not at work (he admits it's an escape). He's admitted he doesn't want to put his energy into anything but his own wants and needs after workm and usually has several beers after work and falls asleep on the couch. Right now he's having a tough time because he is in danger of losing his job. So, like many with anxiety, he refers his concerns onto me. Most recently, he accused me of working out and getting in shape to attract other men (I have a 6 month old, and gained 65 lbs--if there's a time to work at losing weight, now is that time). He is acting jealous, and doesn't want me leaving the house without him, even to grocery shop. I say all of this not to rationalize or justify my behavior, but just to illustrate my experience. And lately it's become so oppressive, that...

I took the opportunity to flirt with a neighbor. I figured, oh, well, I'm already catching sh!t as if I am doing it, why not have a little harmless fun. Well, you can all guess where that ended me up...

Flirting ended up with a kiss and a hand slipped up my skirt (at one of our parties, no less). Which led to a midnight meeting later that week, which led to the consummation of a full-blown affair.

In many ways, I feel like I have some enjoyment in my life again. I have love, I have a relationship with years of history--I just don't have someone I can relax around, which is what AP is. It's so hard to want sex with H when he's grouchy and critical all day--I need more support and affection during the day. So now we text and talk every day, and plan to meet weekly. His son and mine are friends, his daughter and mine are friends, and his wife is very sweet (which does give me guilt at moments).

On one hand I feel like a complete jerk. He'd be crushed, APs wife would be, too. If the neighbors found out, it would be an absolute disaster. But I am so selfish, enjoying the flirting, the unburdened relationship, the no-strings nature of this. And the sex, most of all. I guess a woman does come into her prime at 40!

So I am still in the invincible phase (we can be careful and not get caught). And I am still in the hot-for-his-body phase. And I am feeling more sexually adventurous than I ever have, which is having an interesting benefit in my marriage as well. It's also making me more tolerant of my husband's moods and upsets, because I have an outlet for myself now, I imagine...

I'm not in love, don't want to be in love with him--never even considered this guy at all in any way. We haven't seen each other socially since last week, but we are clear that we must ignore each other aside from casual greetings.

I just wanted to introduce myself, I guess. I never thought I'd be here, but maybe I shouldn't be so surprised (I did have a fling 12 years ago, which I admitted and worked through with H). But here I am. And I'll keep lurking around...since I guess I'm not alone, for whatever that's worth...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 7:39am

Welcome to MAS What!

I don't think your post indicates that you want any advice. You seem to recognize everything about your situation that might be dangerous, etc., and you also seem to recognize that you're in a "stage" of the A that's very addictive.

This is a great place to share the ups and downs of your A (the majority of them have those highs and lows we call "the roller coaster") so welcome and feel free to vent whenever you need to!

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 12:56pm

Hi -


I wanted to say hello, your situation sounds a lot like mine in the beginning. My husband is bi-polar and insecure, loses jobs often, etc.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2009
Sat, 08-29-2009 - 9:30pm
Hi, i had an experience with Neighbor woman i would rather not tell on this board but if you want to email me and i will tell u what happened..