The next step

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
The next step
6
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 9:21pm
I've been seeing MM for the past two months. It's been a wonderful time, meeting for lunches, drinks after work, dinner......and great "necking" in the car afterwards. MM is funny, has been called when he said he would call, contacts me daily. So it's been perfect for me. He has never pushed for the "the next step", however this week when we met for dinner he said "I want you....." and in a moment of out of body experience I said "I want you too". And I can honestly say, no truer words were spoken.

My question is this. I love what I have right now with MM, and hate to see it not ruined, but changed. We have fun and joke and can keep things light. What changes have you noticed since you took that big step with your MM/OM? Did you ever regret not waiting?

Thanks for your replies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 10:00pm

Hi life,


I met MM online... we chatted on line a few days before he asked could he have my number... somehow I felt a bond of trust with this man and gave him my home phone number... he in turn gave me his work one.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 8:14am
Sweet, your story sounds much like mine. I was on line when he IMed me and said hi, love your nic. We chatted that night, he had me laughing so hard during this first chat. I love a guy with a great sense of humor; H has no sense of humor and wouldn't smile if his life depended on it.

Something you said, "Why not love him for what we have...." struck a cord with me. That is how I'm wrapping my head around it all, "Why think this to death, enjoy the time we have, know that we can't aways put each other first, but know there is someone out there who is attentive, funny and (hopefully) a good lover." I'm realistic about this, I won't be leaving this marriage for him, my children always have and always will come first, and I don't see him leaving for me...he adores his children.

While I know this is about to complicate my life, keeping in mind what I want for myself, my children and regular visits here, should help me keep my head facing forward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 8:27am
I'm interested in reading what others have to say to you too. I posted on this topic yesterday afternoon, so you might read some of the responses I got. I've been in a mostly emotional A with a co-worker for almost six months. We've had our ups and downs even without the sex. He's had a whole lot of guilt related to having a wonderful wife and beautiful daughter that he doesn't want to lose. Because he's been through this before and he has friends with children who have been through it, he fully knows what's at stake. This week he was pushing to meet but every time I'd agree, he'd back off. We're doing a bizarre little dance. My MM is not quite as great as yours is, so I can't say how things will change with you, but I don't see why your fun and light dynamic would necessarily have to change after IC. Unless you're just thinking the guilt will overwhelm you. If you're like me, though, the big fear is losing him. I know if we got caught, our lives would be in upheaval anyway, and I don't even like to think of that. But the worst times in our R have been when MM was sure people were suspecting what was going on. We were having a very suggestive verbal exchange one day when someone walked in. They didn't seem to overhear what we were saying, but it completely freaked MM out. I think if we were m.l. or sneaking off to do so and someone ALMOST caught us, it could end up costing me weeks of an emotional roller-coaster ride. And if someone actually found out about us and he was afraid of his wife finding out, he might stop talking to me altogether (he says he wouldn't, but more than a few MM have gone NC after swearing they never would!). I've told him repeatedly, I'd rather have him just as a friend today and know we were going to be together in six, eight, ten years...whatever, than to have him for everything today and not be speaking to him someday. I have a feeling if we went all the way, that's what would happen. Seems if you can maintain that friendship over the long haul, your chances of being together someday, maybe when the kids are grown or whatever, are greater. But then, I don't know that there's any proof of that and even if there were, how many people can go that long without finally taking it to the next step? Both you and I know it's going to happen -- it's just a matter of time. Anyway, if you'd like to chat privately, you can e-mail me through my member profile here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 8:48am
Hi lilah

I’m going to jump in here quickly and give you my honest opinion before I get off here for the day…

I don’t think you should do anything with this man. From what you have described of him in the past, i.e., he’s a redneck, he has cheated before, you recently heard through the grapevine he may have been abusive to his wife in the past, etc. (I’m trying to remember here and I hope I am remembering correctly) -- why would you consider doing this?

I don’t think you should. All of the above, combined with the guilt and fear you are just “waiting” for -- why do it? I think once the infatuation with him wears off, you will very much regret this. He just doesn’t sound like he would be worth the risk you would be taking; the emotional risk, AND the physical risk (getting caught).

I hope you don’t mind my being honest here. Just think about it more.

Charlotte




Edited 10/29/2003 9:49:31 AM ET by charlotte1203

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 9:01am
I have to agree with Charlotte on this one. The man is BAD NEWS. Be Very Careful.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 9:27am
Thanks, Charlotte, and everyone else. It's interesting, what I do. During times when things aren't going well with MM, I pick apart every bad quality he has. I make lists, I tell myself I'm too good for him and he's all these horrible things. Then I look at H and force myself to see him as a wonderful person. (Which he IS.) When things are going well, as they have been this week so far (although who knows what today will bring...), I find myself gradually getting wrapped tighter and tighter around MM's little finger. Yesterday I felt like my defenses were down more than they have been in a long, long time, but then I woke up today filled with fear, as I do every morning. Is this going to be the day he decides things have to slow down? Will he be "too busy" to see me today? Sometimes I think it would almost be a relief if things did end. At least then I would know what to expect every day. If m.l. makes the emotions MORE intense, there's no way I can handle it. No way at all. Oddly, it's not IC I want. I just want to sit and hold his hand and talk. Or have him hold me. Or share a kiss that's not quick and sneaky. Honestly, yes, he's done this before but he really SUCKS at it! He's so paranoid of getting caught it basically causes absolutely nothing to happen, ever. And he feels tremendous guilt, all the time. When things are going well with us, he's talking about our future together and how he thinks we'd be great as a couple. When he's trying to keep his emotions in check, he's telling me we can't be together, that we have nothing in common, etc. I swear the man has TWO personalities! I don't know what to say or what to do on any given day; I just wait for his cues and behave accordingly. I've already tried to call him twice today, no answer, so I don't know if he's avoiding me or he's just busy. But then if I don't keep trying to call he'll call me at 11 or so and ask why I haven't called him. I can't win!