No Contact for 2 mths

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
No Contact for 2 mths
9
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 1:32am
Ladies, i was reading some of the posts and i agree with you guys alot about how could we let ourselves get hurt my the MM's of the world, i ask myself all the time how could i have fallen for a MM but i dont have that answer. On a positive note, i think some of these ladies are really lucky just to get to stay friends with MM after the A and if the A is over then you still at least talk, and for the one's still in the A that you still get to talk and see MM. I read these posts and think gosh i wish i was lucky like some of yall. See my MM doesnt call, email or IM me for anything, he just walked out of my life after saying the very first time he loved me. I wasnt ready to give up MM, i didnt wont my A to end up like this. I pray that i will one day have a email from MM but i wont hold my breathe. It's been 2mths and he still has not contacted me even to say "goodbye and that we are over, i deserve that closure from him after all, we were together for a year and a few mths. Anyways, i dont wont to start rambling but i just wanted to say i would love to be in some of you ladies "shoes". I just am not that lucky, everyday is a battle for me to face that MM is gone and it just gets me more down and depressed. Just be thankful for what you have with MM right now and live in the moment b/c you never know when it may all end. Thanks for my 2 cents and have a nice day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:29am
I know exactly how you feel. I am sorry you are going through this pain too. I have not seen my MM for 46 days today ! I broke and called his house and talked to him about 2 weeks ago. got my phone bill, 68 minutes of talk to be exact. I got told SORRY, we need to just be friends for right now, not good bye just on hold. His life is a mess and he is trying to clean it up! Also told me he would call me in 5 days and promised me this! He didn't call. First promise broke! Yes, I am a mess. Yes I love him! Are you single? I am!

Everyday is a struggle. I wake up with hope this will be the day of contact. It slowly windles away the later the day gets!I hate it and it is not fair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 3:36am
Georgia,

thanks for reminding me that I am lucky --- I sometimes take for granted the amount

of respect I receive from my MM - He is a very sensitive person who is afraid to hurt me and then when he does it's usually not intentional - but he usually feels much more pain and suffering for it than I do ---

NC like that must be nerve racking and the days must pass excrutiatingly long !!!

I have been in NC - but usually have a C date in the near future to look forward to.

What is hard is like you said you have no "closure" --- you have nothing but uncertainty about how it is --- is it over ?? is it not ?? and the whole when is he going to talk to me again issue is another thing in itself - you must have a lot of things jumping in your head -

I hope you hear something soon

Kikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 7:01am
peach,

I have lived with him walking away from 'us' for a whole year. no contact - no emails, phone calls or IM's nothing, nada.... I wanted to ask him all kinds of questions at that time and obsessed as to with his real feelings were at that time towards me. I had no one to support me thru it all - nobody. I didn't read these boards at that time. I just kept it all to myself, kept up appearences at home and cried myself to sleep all the time. It was really hard. Words cannot describe how much it hurt. Sometimes I don't know how I made it thru all that...I know now that he was having fun with his friends at time not even giving me a second thought. So its not just you peach, grass just seems greener on the other side, it really is not. Hope you feel better now.

juliet

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 9:15am
Peach,

I am with Kiki and thanking your for reminding me that I am one of the lucky ones. Although I am fairly new to the boards and to my relationship. I feel fortunate that even though I have fallen in love with mm, he goes out of the way to make sure that I don't get hurt. He too goes through hell, just keeping it that way.

I can't imaging nc and not having the closure that you need. But I can imagine the pain of losing someone that is close to you and not understanding. Just be strong, and know that one day it will get easier. :)

NeeNee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 12:41pm
3 weeks for me since MM and I had last got together. A few emails here and there...

I agree, the part that kills is wondering 'is it over?', 'will today be the day he emails?' ,etc. Closure- we all need that. It's this darn state of uncertaintly that again is painful.

I wish I had the answer for you, me and the rest of us here. If I had a magic wand, I would wave it over this entire board and make all the way we want it to be w/o anyone getting hurt.

Dream on...

Take care.

v.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 1:56pm
I can't imagine that much time going by with NC. I do all of the contacting just about in my EMA. I often have wondered how long we would go without contact if I stopped contacting him. I can understand his situation and his busy job (UNbelievable!). We went 4 weeks w/o being together (we had some contact) and he couldn't believe it had been that long. If I were you I would have called him a long time ago to see what was going on. Even when MM and I broke up tempararily it was I that called him to find out if there was something wrong (he had come to my office with clients and acted very distant). I have to hear it even if it isn't what I want to hear. I took the breakup as well as I could, acted like it didn't phase me when I was around him, and he ended up missing me so much we made up. So if I were you I would force him to tell me, dont' just let him slip slide away after over a year! Expect the best and be prepared for the worst! Good luck, we are always here for you!

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 1:45am
deedee, thanks alot and to all of the other women who replied to my post. I dont know if i posted this but i am a MW who has been with MM for way too long. I have tried calling him to get my closure that i need so i dont have to assume anything but all i get is the answer machine. I use a calling card so the W doesnt know and trace it back to me but MM knows when i am calling b/c he identifies the card number. I have also emailed and IMMed MM asking what is going on and he wont reply to those either. I dont wont to say i have given up on MM but as the days go by it's hard for me to keep putting myself through all the heartache and pain. My H knows about the recent affair, he found out not once but twice and still lets me live here wanting to work the marriage out but i am not in love with H anymore, my heart is with MM but since i cant be with MM then i stay in my M b/c it's my comfort zone and i also have a son and dont wont to hurt him. I know the saying "dont say for the kids" but i wouldnt do anything to my son to hurt him, I rather hurt everyday of my life and wonder what couldve been to put my son through so much grief and pain that he wouldnt understand since he is only 4 years old. Everyday i cry and i also have so much anger built up inside that i am scared it's just going to come out one day towards the people i love. I know i am miserable but i also know i made this decision and i have to live with it. H throws up MM to my face everytime we get into an argument and that hurts also but i reap what i sow. MM and I have always had NC for maybe weeks but this is the longest for NC with MM. MM is the type if you piss him off then he will do the avoiding thing until he is ready to talk about it which he really doesnt talk about it he just lets it go. I have made several comments to MM that he holds grudges and for long periods of time and that it wasnt good for him or the other person. I should Hate MM right now for doing this to me but i dont, i think my love for MM grows stronger everyday. When we first got together he never told me a big secret he was keeping from me, after the last cooling point we had before this, MM tells me that before he got married to his W, he was dating this girl and was engaged to her, he found out she was screwing his two best friends, it really hurt him so what did he do not thinking clearly, started dating a girl to get revenge for 2mths even though he said he didnt even like her and ended up getting her pregnant, He used the excuse that he used a condom but it broke but i dont believe that for one sec. So anyways, i knew about his son that he has with his wife but on top of that i find out he has another son by the other woman he dated and used. He said he was paying child support for the child but that she called him up and told him she didnt wont him to be part of his son's life, that she found someone else and that he is more his father than MM. MM told me this over the phone and i was shocked, i had no clue about the other child and now looking back if he can leave that main information without telling me then there's no telling what other stuff he has done and hasnt breathe a word about it. I dont know if i want to go back into the A, i mean my heart is saying yes but my mind is saying dont be a fool. I didnt even get upset with MM, yea i was shocked but i wasnt angry at him, I knew then that he was for real about me b/c not alot of people he knows have any idea about MM having another son. He trusted me and i guess you can say he wanted to lay all the cards out on the table good and bad b/c he wanted something more for us than just an A. I just dont know what i can do anymore, i want closure to all of this, like why did he confess and tell me he loves me and just left me without a "goodbye", i just have so many questions but no freakin answers. This was my first A and hopefully i will never get back into another one after this is all said and done. Sometimes i think i am naive, i am 25 years old and so is MM actually we are two days apart, but i thought i could handle this even though i have never been in a A ever. I want to always give MM the benefit of the doubt but everytime i do that i feel like i am just letting him lie his way out of everything. Oh, i did apply back for my old job that MM still works out and they arent rehiring. As i pulled up to park, i saw MM's truck, i thought to myself this would be a good time to just leave a note saying i needed to talk to him but when i came back out from filling out the app, MM was already gone. I rode by his house by the way, MM and I live an hour away from each other if some of yall didnt know but like i said i rode by but noone was at home, i just drove around in circles hoping he would just pull up so i could confront him but that never happened. I saw his house MM and W just recently bought and i was just so mad, looking at every detail, it is a nice house but she doesnt deserve to live in it with him. Saw his son's toys out in the yard, it was just really hard on me that day and everyday for that matter but i keep praying that he will either come back and we can work on it or at least give me the closure i need to close this chapter in my life and move on. Anyways, thanks for letting me vent, i feel much better now. take care and any advice or suggestions are always welcome.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 7:58am
georgia

This is going to be hard to hear. I don't even want to type it. I would NOT contact him anymore! Do you really want to be with someone who walked away from his child? Do you want to be with someone who when they get mad, doesn't tell you just goes silent? Most of us have some sort of confrontation or communication problems... but when someone is like that (my H to a certain extent, and my dad to the fullest) it is not only frustrating but downright rude and agrevating. Seems he has done some really immature things and continues to do so at 25. Let him go, don't contact anymore and see if he contacts you. Seems you are infatuated and need to look at your M to see if it is worth saving. You won't be able to with this guy keeping you on a string while you're in turmoil. How old is your son? He can't be too old if your 25. IMHO kids do better with D the YOUNGER they are. They adjust, they don't have all those memories of family trips, and holidays spent as one unit. I'm not saying leave your H, just get rid of the distractions so you can focus on your marriage for a time (you set the amount of time, but give it the attention it should get).

You just sound like you are running around like crazy after this guy and forgetting you have a family of your own. DOn't let him occupy your mind 24/7 he doesn't sound like he deserves it.

JMHO....

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 6:42pm
I have to agree with DD in this one...when you tell the details like you did I just

sort of went "why is she putting up with this ???"

this is an EMA ...the reasons we are involved in them usually are because we are looking

for the one thing we don't get out of our own M's

I for one would never be with a serious, non-communicative man ---- my M isn't perfect but

it's isn't terrible either but it does not have all of the components that I feel

a "GREAT" marriage could have ----

sure I could do all the things in my power to make my M GREAT --- but do I feel that my H would do the same ??

All I am saying is that if you are in this sort of R where you aren't getting your own needs met and it's an EMA - then get out.....

sure I could even say this about my own M --- we all could --- but for the most part I am having my needs met - I just happened to get lucky enough to find a person who understands me, makes me laugh, feel confident and beautiful and expects nothing in return except for me to treat him as I feel he treats me ----

Get your closure - but try to do it in a discreet, non-stalker sort of way -

If you have to send a letter to his work - but get it there so you know he is the only one reading it and then go on with your life

For you to feel this bad over someone that treats you and obviously many other W then same way isn't right -- irregardless of if he has been hurt - people have too many excuses for doing what they do.

Good Luck

Kikki