No O from AP

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2013
No O from AP
6
Tue, 12-31-2013 - 10:33pm

Perhaps this belongs in a sex thread:

AP took me out for a drink the first time we got together (flirting and a good night kiss). Then some setting while he was out of town. The next time I went over to his place and we had sex. He warned me that with all the build up it may be quick and it was, but his desire for me (and mine for him) was incredibly hot. But definitely no O for me. 

The second (and last) time I went over, though he was hungover, he definitely put some more effort into pleasing me (went down on me for a few minutes, more foreplay), but the sex was still quick and still no O for me.

My question is, what do I do? We're not so much having an affair as a Friends With Benefits type situation, which seems pointless if I'm not getting the same enjoyment as he is. As it is now, I'm leaving his place more 'riled up' than when I arrive!

My husband easily gives me orgasms via manual stimulation (though he can also make me orgasm via oral sex) after most of our sex sessions, so it's not an issue of me not being able to orgasm. I can masturbate to orgasm as well. I've never come from sex. Also, my AP is significantly older than me, so he is not able to have sex multiple times (which my husband, who is the same age, can) So after our one go I am beyond horny and he's done for the day. Please note, the irony that I have better sex with my husband than my AP is not lost on me!

I don't really want to end things with my AP just yet, because the desire part is so hot and exciting! I was planning to perform oral sex on AP next time we get together, since I will be on my period, but that would make 3 for him and none for me! ... Not that I'm keeping score ;)

Would you give up on the affair? Talk to him about it? I was either going to text "What's in it for me?" next time he wants to get together, in an effort to try and be a little flirty about it; or next time I arrive at his place for some fun, announce that today I'm coming first and instruct him on how to make that happen. I realize that it's different for all women, and that he may be trying on me what's worked in the past with others to no avail. I could also wait it out a bit longer ... He's mentioned after both sessions that I didn't come, so he's definnately aware of it. 

Thoughts? Advice? 

Thanks!

Notes:

AP is chatty and interested in me and my life, so I don't think he's just using me for sex (though that's obviously what our relationship is based on).

Like most posters here, I have no intention of leaving my marriage. Believe it or not, I'm actually very happy in my marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2013
Tue, 12-31-2013 - 10:34pm
Setting should be sexting - sorry!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2013
Tue, 12-31-2013 - 10:34pm
Setting should be sexting - sorry!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 12-31-2013 - 11:31pm

If you're so happy in your marriage, and you're not getting anything out of your affair......why are you doing it?  It's very possible that the problem is YOU......not the AP.  He can't "give" you orgasms......you allow them to happen, and something is holding you back.  Maybe conscience?   Again, if the sex is good at home, and you're happy with your husband...then why are you bothering with this other man?  The greatest lover in the world can't "give" you an orgasm, if you're uptight, or not in the right frame of mind.

Just as an FYI, It's all sex.......and you can't have orgasms from intercourse.....and neither can 80% or more women.  Orgasms depend more on clitoral stimulation, and "g" spot stimulation, both of  which are hard to get from straight on intercourse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2013
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 12:49am

Thanks for your input :)

Some further info / answers:

I'm interested in an open relationship, which my husband has not yet agreed to. I jumped the gun on it, getting involved with AP. We are still discussing the open relationship and my husband knows that if the opportunity arose, I'd want him to have sex with someone else if he wanted to. 

It's fun - that's what I'm getting out of it. Even with the way things are now (not so great sex) feeling his hands on me, him kissing me, the sounds he makes during sex, basically how bad he wants me ... It's driving me wild and I love it. It's exciting. I need something for me right now ... My life has been the same for a while, and while I like it, I'm loving the excitement. My husband was the only man I'd ever had sex with. I came to know that there is no way I could die that way.

I'm careful to make time for AP from my free time, and not from time that could be spent with my husband. It's a hobby ... Not a move away from my marriage. We're as close as ever. Our sex life is definitely better, since I'm interested in sex more often (our sex life has often ebbed and flowed, so he is not particularly suspicious about this). He is my best friend, and I hate not sharing this part of my life with him.

I love my husband. We've been together 8 years. Our love is deep, strong and we are lucky to have each other. He is my partner in life.

To be fair, I didn't realize that my sexy, older lover would be mediocre in bed ... That's the kind of thing you have to find out the hard way. But I also feel like two 'eh' times isn't worth giving up on ... It takes some time with a new partner to get a feel for each other. 

Finally, I have a very healthy outlook on sex. I understand that someone cannot 'make' you have an orgasm. But a few minutes of oral and a few minutes of sex wouldn't do it for most women ... I agree it's "all sex" ... My question is, how do I address the lack of trying for my O with my AP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013
In reply to: ctown75
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 2:26am
you have to communicate either verbally or non-verbally ,when he goes down on you next time just start saying to him how you love it so much and you have been waiting for him to do it again and start making all kinds sounds so he get all hyped up about what he is doing to you and they key is also when he is hitting the right spots really let him know[oh baby right there felt great and lick here,move your tongue this way ect]. A lot of people for get sex should also be FUN,show him how you get yourself off so he can learn,have a no intercourse hour where you do everything but intercourse,go get a vibrator and tell him you want to play. A lot of guys can go a second round,so get him hard for round two and he should last longer. I don't think after two times you just give up,because you don't know each other bodies or what you like.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013
In reply to: ctown75
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 2:43am
You have a person to explore with who wants to play,so take charge,he will change because he will not want to lose you, you can tell him all of the fantasies you have and want to play out and he will do them,because he will not want to loose a great thing.since you can walk anytime. If you don't make things change now it will be a lot harder later on..