No smiles today. Help please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
No smiles today. Help please!
7
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:27am
hi girls. haven't been around in a while. I have been busy at work and trying to sort things out. My H sort of suspects that I am having EMA which has been stressful. We have had a lot of the bad issues in the marriage (nor related to EMA) come up lately and I have basically reached the point where I am ready to leave. But I had reached the conclusion that I would wait until August when my son starts school so that we could make a clean break all at once. (I know that sounds like I would be putting too many changes on him at once, but it has been my experience with him that he does better when all his changes come that way. Then he can deal with them all and move on.) Then this morning I caught H searching my car. It just so happens I was with MM last night and we did some swimming and H found the wet swimsuit in my car. (I know it was stupid I should have hidden it somewhere other than the car.) I told H that I was doing a water aerobics class and hadn't told him because he would gripe about the cost (which he would if it was true). He told me he just can't trust me anymore and thinks it would be a good idea if we separate for awhile at least. I am so torn by this. On the one hand I am excited that I won't have to put up with H cosntantly been mad at me anymore and looking over my shoulder all the time. And I'm excited that MM has already said that he will be spending nights at my place when my son is not there. But then I am overwhelmed with grief about what this is going to do to my son. He is only five years old! He will still see his Daddy all the time, but I know he will miss him so much and won't understand what is going on. I never wanted my child to have to grow up with divorced parents. But then I guess no one ever does. And I think maybe I still love H a little bit. I guess the time away will help me sort that out. What am I going to do? Any advice or stories of experiences would be really helpful.

Thanks,

sunshine

Avatar for babeslvr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:05pm
well i know how you feel. my H has been suspicious for some time now. and i have told many a lies. he doesnt trust me for one second. the M has been damaged for some years now. and i feel that it cant be repaired, lord knows i have tried. he has recently told me one more reason to suspect an A and we are over. am i upset, no. i feel he is a freind at this point. my MM knows how thingss are with H and me and he just listens. MM and i both know things would be easier if i was to leave. and that is one that tugs at me daily. as for your son he deserves to be in a happy enviroment. if there is negativity and or hhostility that is no good for him. and he will understand when he gets older. D is never good or easy. i am sure my H will be the biggest jerk out there. and i need to make sure that MM is not an issue for the simole reason my grown girls will have nothing to do with me. and that is because my MM is so young and married. yes i think you need to take the time apart to figure things out. it will be a time of reflection and soul searching. keep us posted we are all here for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:55pm
Sunshine....my advice is take H up on the offer to separate...your 5-year old may have some trouble dealing with all of it...but honestly i think he will also flourish in a house where mom and dad aren't fighting....

it's not easy as a parent to see the pain in a child's eye...but the child will be okay i promise....my parents divorced when i was 16 and my brother 11 and honestly i wish they had done it sooner....it would have made for a happier childhood in my opinion....

take a few deep breaths and take some time for you also...to really evaluate both situations clearly....when you do separate....

molly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 3:45pm
Thanks so much. It eases my mind to know that someone else can understand how I am feeling. I know if my family knew about MM they would not approve either because he is much older than me and married with three kids. I can't take that added stress, so I think he and I will have to keep things very discreet even when I am separated. And good luck to you with your H. Should we divorce after the separation my H has made it clear that he will be in contention for the biggest jerk award too. Why do they have to make a difficult situation even harder?

sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 3:50pm
Thanks Molly for the great advice. My H called earlier and said that maybe we should wait until after my son's birthday next month to separate. That way he can enjoy his birthday. I see his point, but I also think he is just trying to back pedal from the idea to separate since he sees that I am actually going to do it. I have made up my mind though. I called an apartment locator and I'm moving out. My son is a very resilient and loving little boy and I'm sure he will adjust to this in time and thrive in the loving environment that we both will provide for him separately.

sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:01pm
I can't really offer you much advice, your in a tough situtation, not much different from mine. My H has had his suspisions and made jokes about my BF (fishing for me to make a mistake and say something wrong) and we've gone so long with out being close emtionaly or physically that it's hard to get that back. I don't trust him anymore and I usually can't stand to be in the same room with him. We have a DD 8 and DS 4 and as much as I'd like to leave I just can't yet. You see we don't argue very often (that would require us to talk more than just small talk)we just sort of exist in the same house. I provide clean clothes, meals, a clean house and some one to have s*x with in the event he's actually in the mood. He provides additional income (I make more than he does) We've been existing like this for years and it's routine. I make sure that the children know they are loved and do fun things w/ them (H will fit them in if he doesn't have his nose stuck in a novel) I just don't know how they would handle it if I moved out w/ them. It's not like this is a terrible home life for them or there's lots of arguing going on, but there certainly isn't a lot of affection being shown between H & I. Geez I'm rambling, sorry. I hope that no matter what happens you continue to post and keep us all updated. Blue
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:11pm
You need to follow your heart. Your son will be okay. Things were rough w/ my exH, he suspected I was having an A & I decided to leave & we have 2 daughters. My girls adjusted fine. It was definetly hard at first because they didnt understand why mommy & daddy were living apart but soon they got used to it. I dont regret leaving at all. It was definetly for the best. And definetly time away will help put everything in perspective for you. I always had my MM to fall back on, to love me, take care of me, be there for me so I dont think the break up was as hard as it could of been.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:56pm
Hang in there. Your situation is so close to mine, its almost spooky. I agree with what Molly says, children are lot more intuitive than we think. I am sure you son has picked up the signals between you and H. Mine certainly have, and are often questioning me about it (my silence or lack of love between us), even though they 4 and 7. Both of them are girls and I know that girls pick up these clues lot faster than boys do, in most cases. Hugs to you.