Nope, Its an Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Nope, Its an Affair
7
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 5:30am


After telling his friend and several of our joint friends that he's leaving his wife for me, he flinched. When she went to look for an apartment, he gave in and told her to look, but not to sign anything.

I know that he's torn. I'm mad at myself for trusting.

I love him, and I told him I've not put on my running shoes, yet, but this really hurts.

I'm cooling off some. He needs time to think. So do I. My family has effectively gone from 6 to 3, with my father badly ill, in the last two weeks. (My mother died, my oldest moved off to college and my middle child moved in with a friend. My dad is ill...that leaves me, my 11 year old, and the dog.) He may still decide that we're what he wants. Divorce after a 25 year marriage must be almost impossible, but I'm not holding my breath.

I can't go NC. We're writing a book together. So, I'm just going to be quiet and sweet. And go dancing and to the movies and focus on the things that are important to me. If it doesn't make him think, it will at least give me a headstart on heart health. Right?

BTW...Most of what I write is novel length, but I did post a poem about us. Querido Copywrite 2003. If you think it is any good, I may submit it for publication...(anonymously, LOLOL)

Gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 10:52am
HI Caz

All I can say is DAMN

And its not over tell the fat lady sings.

hope your do ok

Free

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 11:47am
Ah, welcome to my world!!

Mine also told wife and friends he was leaving. He also balked, and now is "undecided".

I am not sure how long I can wait it out. For now I try.

Sorry that you are going through it too. I know mine is also torn. Unfortuneatly, he seems to think the longer he drags it out, the easier it will be for us all.

Good Luck. It's a very hard place we are in. I think it's easier when there's no hope of them leaving. At least you know where you stand.

Fence-sitters. Gr. Hope your decides soon.

Love,

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 1:16pm
Hugs!

Yes, its a hard place to be in. I'm being pretty quiet. He's already commented on it. He says he loves me. I answer, "I know." Still, very quiet. He's not sure what's going on or how to handle me. This is good. No one needs to be able to ring my bells at will.

(Or at least needs to know that they can.)

Good luck with your fence sitter. I don't know how long I'll go on with this. If I choose to back out, I'll make it be friends so we can continue to write. Then, I'll go on a cruise and forget all about it. RIGHT



Oh well, onward and upward!



Gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 4:44pm
Hi. I'm new here and don't mean to butt into your conversation, but my man is leaving his wife and I think if he had actually balked that would be it between us. There might be a future for us, but not until he made up his mind. I've come to the realization that even now...as they are going through their divorce, my significant other and I are not really able to forge the type of relationship we both deserve. He needs his time to grieve over his failed marriage...something that has very little to do with me even though I was "the other woman". It is a difficult balance between our own needs and being a friend to someone you care deeply for, isn't it? Taking a break doesn't have to be the end of the world and in the end could lead you to where you want to go.


also, you're absolutely right...no one should be able to ring your bells to the point that you sacrafice more of yourself than you can handle.

"He's not sure what's going on or how to handle me." Is that really what you want? wouldn't you love to tell him exactly what you need? Knowing exactly where you stand might even help him figure out what he wants...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 5:58pm


I'm trying to be patient and to give him some room. That doesn't mean that I'm going to be nc or even putting up walls.

"You have a 4:00 meeting, so I'm writing this for you to read before you go home.



I had years to prepare myself for my Mom's death. I've known that xxxxx would grow up and move away. I've watched xxxxxx painting herself into this corner for months and months. And I've watched my Dad get weaker and more lost over the last year.



These things I've had time to prepare for.



You came into my life and brought joy and laughter and love and warmth and even sex. LOL

I fought at first. I gradually listened, and with each loving, honest touch, more and more of my heart opened and I came to depend on you for your strength and for your love.



This isn't your fault. And I know that you haven't made any decisions. I would love to fight with everything I have to bring you back into my arms, but that wouldn't be fair to you. If you come to me, I want you to come because I'm your true home. I want you to come because xxxx and I are the other part of your soul and you have found yourself incomplete without us.



I would never underestimate the love you have for your wife. I will always be grateful to her for the years of happiness she has given you. I want nothing but the best for her, as well as for you. Despite the fact that I believe that what we could build would be unlike anything ever built before or since, I know that change of this magnitude is frightening. And it should be.

No one should lightly make major life changes without considering what the end game is going to be.



So, for that reason, I'm trying to draw on the core strengths I've always had. The mind and heart which have made me su Corazon. The same mind and heart that stood still while you marched to war. The same mind and heart that refused to sit still when we needed to go to town and didn't want to wait for you. The same mind and heart that spit in the priest's face and laughed when he wanted me to give him your name.



Querido, I haven't changed. What you are seeing right now is how a soul becomes steel. It is tested in fire and comes out stronger than ever before. I tell you again, I'll be fine. God willing, (If there is a God), one day we will fly. But I have to leave that to you.



In the meantime, I'll always be your Querida. I'll always love you. But I won't sit still and weep forever. Tears last through the night, but joy cometh in the morning.



Te Quiero, Mi Corazon, Mi Vida, Mi Alma.



Te Quiero,"

********************

Now, this is what I just sent to him, and we've spoken. The changes in both of our lives right now are immense, and are difficult. He loves me. I know that. And I love him, as well. Where we'll be a year from now, I don't know. But I haven't given up. I'm just trying to be faithful to myself and to him as we grow through these times.

Does any of this make any sense?



Cazrida





Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 10:36pm
hugs.

it makes sense to me.

Nice to know i am not the one going through it all.

Jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 12:32am
Absolutely perfect sense...

Good Luck to you!

sk7246