Nor will I sit at home alone and cry

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Nor will I sit at home alone and cry
25
Sat, 01-31-2004 - 3:56pm


My MM says he loves me, but he's having a hard time letting go of his marriage. That's fine. I never told him to leave her in the first place.

This week he didn't get online two nights running. Now, that could be because she was hovering over his shoulder. Or that could equally be him trying to fix things back up with her. Who knows?

I had sent him a note which was a bit curt. He responded by apologizing and telling me that we had talked all day and surely I didn't think that he'd fallen out of love with me in two hours?

Humph.

He was careful to tell me his plans for this weekend and that he didn't expect to be able to talk with me before Sunday. I appreciate that.

Sunday is the Super Bowl. I'll be watching it with my Father.

Monday, I have to work, so I won't be online for "our" time.

Now, he told me and my friends that I had to wait until the New Year to see Lord of the Rings because that's when the man I was going to marry would be able to take me.

I waited.

Enough already.

If he wants to see me Wednesday, he's flat out of luck. I have a date to see Lord of the Rings. Nice man. Single, even. ROFL.

I'm not looking to play any games. But my life will not be one where I sit at home and wait for his high holy presence. I won't bring it up unless he asks...but I refuse to sit at home alone and cry. Life is too short!

Thoughts anyone?

Cazrida

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sat, 01-31-2004 - 5:08pm
Good for you cazrida!! These manipulative and lying men are not worth wasting your weekend and life on. Move on with your single man Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Sat, 01-31-2004 - 5:54pm
<<<<>>>>

Great advice Love! Can't the same thing be said about ALL people who are manipulative and lie in such situations, or who are party to such behavior?

It is quite ironic (even hypocritical) to find such wisdom on a site where most of the people are involved in manipulating or lying, whether they are doing it or being the "enabler" to one who is doing it. I guess it depends on if the poster is involved in such behavior, and Love, I can't tell by your post if you are, so please take it simply as an observation and not a "shot" at you :0)

Cazrida, have a good time watching Super Bowl with your Dad. Sounds fun and loving and you are deserving of that. If things work out with you and this single guy (or another one), take it to mean you are not meant for such a life that comes with being the OW, despite how "grand" others claim it to be. If things don't work out with this, or another single guy, and you settle on being an OW again, well then....you have "settled".

Pen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sat, 01-31-2004 - 7:07pm
Pen, I was in such a relationship and have been hurt by it. I guess you don't know where I come from unless you have been in my shoes. Notthing is ironic pensive - only perceptions make them so. You can find a nickel of truth in a dump - don't let the outside let you decide prematurely about whether its ironic to get good advice on this board or not. I don't mind you "shot", afterall we all expressing our own feelings here. no offence taken.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 01-31-2004 - 9:05pm
For Pen, I notice you make the comment that others on this board make having an ema sound "grand". Just an observation, but I haven't seen anyone here that would call it "grand". If we were all able to sleep easy every night next to the person we love, you probably wouldn't have found us here to discuss our hurts, questions, and sometimes tears. I bet if asked for a poll how many of us would recommend having an A, not too many would be raising their hands here.

chik

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Sat, 01-31-2004 - 10:39pm
Hi Ladies,

Chik, I agree with you that not too many people would classify their A’s as grand. Yes, I do see lots of hurt and tears here. At the same time, the board is peppered with posts that more or less glorify having A’s. I just got through reading a couple such post before I read this one. And yes, even though many here don’t glorify the situation, a good number attempt to. In any event, there are a good number of posts that share tips how to continue to be deceptive in order to continue an A...that hardly sounds like pain and anguish to me if one is plotting the how, where, and when of an A.

Love,

<<<<>>>>

You are so right, but this is also an ironic statement…an even more ironic statement. In essence you are saying that you are only aware of your own hurt and what is relative to you. Are you considering the hurt of your SO while you were having an A? Or in case you are single and seeing a MM or someone with an SO, did you consider all the hurt of his W or SO? Did any of the damage, or potential damage to others not matter to you as much as your own self fulfilling wants and needs where an A is concerned? And now is it only your own pain that you are concerned about when your wants and needs were not filled to your liking where an A is concerned?

<<<<>>>>

The question still remains unanswered…Can't the same thing be said about ALL people who are manipulative and lie in such situations, or who are party to such behavior, including women who cheat on SO’s or single women knowingly involved with MM or a man who is otherwise "involved"? I’m interested in the answers to this.

Pen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 9:04am
pen, when
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 10:23am
Hi Love,

It does sound as if you have truly been hurt. So now, how do you view A's. Would you advise women (or people in general) to steer clear from them altogether? Or would you only give that advice to the OW who are hurt buy "manipulative and lying men". While I understand that this is the "Affair Support Board", I think support can be defined many different ways. It is "interesting" to see such advise as yours being given to women who are hurt by OM, but the same advice is not generally given to MW who don't seem to be hurt by their AP(yet).

You've said,

<<<<>>>>

In an earlier post you said,

<<<<>>>>

Couldn't these very words be applied to OM's girlfriend? I would believe from her perspective she took in a lot more than she felt she should and was probably extremely humiliated from where she was standing.

What was so humiliating to you? Did OM ultimately choose his GF over you?

As for your H not knowing about your A, I would imagine you had to do some lying and manipulation yourself to keep him from knowing about it, which goes back to my original question that has not been answered...

<<<<>>>>

Can't the same thing be said about ALL people who are manipulative and lie in such situations, or who are party to such behavior, including women who cheat on SO’s or single women knowingly involved with MM or a man who is otherwise "involved"?

You say that everyone is happy in this relationship but you. Was OM's GF happy? I suspect that since your H knew nothing about the A, he figured you were happy because you were able to put up a facade of being happy (or at least satisfied enough with the marriage not to have an A). Could H be putting up a facade that he is happy too? Also, H can still find out of the A later on down the road by accident or twist of fate (happens all the time). Do you think he would be hurt then? The risk of being found out of having an A are ALWAYS there. While you were having the A, how could you be so sure that H would never find out?

<<<<>>>>

That right there is the ultimate good advice. We ALL have our issues. When people TRULY aspire to love themselves, they may find it less necessary to get validation from such situations as being involved in A's, which in turn, end up causing more damage than healing.

Pen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 10:44am
Pen, it is true the gf would have found my presense humiliating - but I have done everything in my hands to make her comfortable. She is my OM's concern after all he is her SO not me. As far as H - he may already have an idea but I haven't confessed it to him. He has told me not in so many words that he deserved what he got because of the abuse I took from him in the early years of our marriage. Our marriage was sabotaged by his family in so many different ways and only when he realized I was moving away from him he came to his senses.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 11:53am
"<<<<>>>>

The question still remains unanswered…Can't the same thing be said about ALL people who are manipulative and lie in such situations, or who are party to such behavior, including women who cheat on SO’s or single women knowingly involved with MM or a man who is otherwise "involved"?"

Well Pen, not everything is black and white IMHO. ALL people lie and many manipulate, including those not in "such situations". As an example, how many parents lie to their children about Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny - wow, talk about manipulation...who gains in that scenario?

I'm not condoning deceit or adultry - yeah, what a wonderful world if everyone were perfect. But no one is, the same as no one person nor no one situation is the same.

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Sun, 02-01-2004 - 12:17pm
Hi Love,

True...it was OM's responsibility to his GF; and not yours. Single people always break up and pursue other relationships. I am assuming OM was not up front with GF about wanting to see other people and initially kept his R with you a secret. Too bad because perhaps GF would have openly and honesty made some pursuits of her own. I think this is something people like OM fear....that SO may decide to leave them when THEY are not ready to be left.

Do you think you would have gotten involved with OM if he were married? Or is that a line you would not cross?

Thanks for your sharing and honesty. I always aspire to understand other people, especially when they find themselves in such a circumstances that end up causing pain, and more of it then they have bargained for .

I guess enduring "true" abuse (physically, emotionally, or mentally) in a M would certainly be a motivating factor for some to get involved in an A, especially if part of the abuse was unfaithfullness itself. Do you suspect your H has been unfaithful in the past? What ever the abuse was you endured, is sounds pretty valid if H is able to admit he deserves what he got in terms of him suspecting your A. Perhaps not in your case, but all to many times, what people consider abuse is not really abuse but the actuality of a marriage and all it entails.

Would you still dispense the same advice you initially gave Cazrida to ALL people involved in EMA's or just those who found they were not getting what they wanted out of it?

Because you never answered my question about manipulating and lying men not worth spending time on...if the same thing could be applied to women who manipulate and lie, or are a party to it...I'm guessing you must feel thre were mitigating circumstances in your case (due to your H's abuse). Otherwise, do you think the statement should be applied to everyone who manipulate and lie? Again referring to the statement...

<<<<>>>>

OM could have reasons for doing what he did to you and GF.

Pen

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