Is that normal ?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Is that normal ?
30
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 10:33pm

Nothing has really changed between me and AP. He still comes to see me every day of the week, despite it taking him 1 hr and the high gas prices, not to mention being busy. He still says that he loves me and wants to be with me. He still says that he doesn't love his W and doesn't see his future with her.

He even wants me to help him with his business and I did. It does make me feel more involved, he even says "we" when he talks about it and he doesn't mean his W.

Yet, every freaking weekend (and some evenings), I feel sad and anxious. As soon as more than 2 hours pass between his texts, I become restless and are no longer able to enjoy whatever I'm doing.

My weekends are not spectacular, it's basically spending time with my 4 year old son. I love him to death, but unlike many mothers, I just don't enjoy being with him 48 hours non-stop. I wish I could have some split custody, but my stupid ex decided that his new found ideals are more important than being involved in his son's life.

My AP is with his kids and he enjoys it. He always does something fun with them. And of course, the W is there too. And while they might not always do something super exiting, I still wish it was me who were there instead of her.

I've never been that needy in my whole life ! I used to be in a long-distance relationship with my ex and I was ok with one phone call every couple of days and I wasn't even worried about him cheating on me.

I thought that maybe I have abandonment issues. So I started seeing a psychologist. I read a couple of books on self-improvement. For now, not much help. I met new people with whom I can do activities with kids. A bit better.

But I'm still feeling sick and anxious whenever I don't hear from him for some time or if he's not sending super loving texts. How sick is that ?

I was ok with being single before I met him. I wasn't really interested in men and here I am so attached to him.

I thought about breaking up many times, but I figure that I'll suffer even more. But then, I might lose a chance with him. How many attractive, sexual, family-oriented men who love kids are out there ? And how many of them are crazy about me and are ready to raise my son ?

On the other hand, God knows when he decides that it's the right moment to break up with her. What a f &^%$ed-up situation I got myself into ! I wish he continued telling me that he's not leaving his W, it would have been so much easier to move on !

I'm starting to wish that there was another man who would came and save me but of course, it's not gonna happen....:smileysad:

The limbo continues for now..... 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
In reply to:
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 11:36pm
Oh wow! ((hugs)). Your not a bad mother or person for not wanting to spend all time with your child. We as mothers need a break too!
Why do you get anxious so soon afterwards? Do you think once he leaves your out of sight out of mind? I'm curious because I felt that way for the last couple of days too. I see AP everyday and have something to say to him but sometime I get freaked out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
In reply to:
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 3:53am

I think its pretty normal to feel this way in an A relationship, especially if one person is single. The balance gets thrown off.

If it were a regular relationship where both you and your AP were officially a couple and you still felt uneasy and insecure, I think it would be abnormal. 

I think its just the A relationship that is throwing you off. If he divorced her, and was coming home to you every night, I highly doubt you'd be getting anxious after not hearing from him after a few hours. There is just something about knowing a person you love is spending quality time with another woman that really can create insecurities. I know for me, even if my AP is constantly telling me he wishes it would have been me there with him on the weekend, I still don't fully accept it. I believe what he is saying is true for him, but I can't accept it. Also, like you, my AP does send very loving emails and texts. When I am not getting them, I get that insecure feeling. Its totally ridiculous and I'm probably a bit spoiled by it, but its still hard not to feel jealous and insecure. And more ridiculous yet, I don't even have a right to feel this way since I'm in the same position as he...

But I'm pretty positive that if he and I were together, these insecurities would not exist. It messes with your head so much. I have never had these types of insecurity feelings with my boyfriend, or any other guy, up until this A. 

I think what you are doing is great. Keep busy on the weekends with the new friends. I think all parents agree that it ishard to spend so much time with children. Adults need interaction with other adults, or it can be very isolating and depressing (no matter how much you love your kids).  And of course when the feelings pop up, just remind yourself that he is giving you all he can in his situation right now. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
In reply to:
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 8:46am
Ladies, find yourself!!! Letting yourself become so wrapped up in these MM is feeding your insecurities and self-worth. What you are struggling with is a battle with the unknowns. Not knowing what he is doing, what he is thinking and when he will contact you.

Be true to you. Sireanita, find a single mom's support group, set up play dates, your son will be able to release steam and you will have adult interaction. To the others, if your kids are older and more self sufficient find a new hobby something to occupy you hands and mind.

Make AP a part of your life, not your whole life. That is why men seem to handle affair easier, they know how to compartmentalize. They do it to keep inner peace, you can to and believe me, both you, AP and your children will benefit and be happier for it.

HUGS for all of you!!
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
In reply to:
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 11:56am
You are right sunny. I think the reason many As, or at least mine, become harder with time, is because after some point after he continually professes his love and preference for me, I begin to feel like when he is with her he is cheating on ME! In the earlier days it felt like we were both hiding and sneaking around so we could cheat on the spouses ( ugh how bad does that sound) but now it is reversed. the more he shares with me and loves me, the more possessive I become.

However unlike many men my AP is not able to compartmentalize his feelings. This A has torn him up. We are so stuck :smileysad: I guess like you said we need to just step back and stop over thinking things. So hard to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 4:53pm

No we are never going to be together, which sounds pretty sad, but is realistic. There are a million and one reasons why we can't/shouldn't be together, and only one reason why we should. The only thing that would change that, was is if there were some sort catastrophic natural disaster which left us alone and single. It just makes those feelings even more pointless for both of us. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 4:56pm

sireanita said:

"That is so funny ! I almost feel that if she ever confronted me, I would just tell her to back off. LOL"

I know what you mean exactly. Me and him have a lot of pictures together, and when I see a pic of them together, I almost want to wave it in his face and say "What is this? Why are you in a picture with this woman?!" lol. crazy. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 7:37pm

"He's telling me that he's my man and I'm his woman. He tells me that he doesn't want me to find anyone and gets jealous, etc. So it gets to the point where I'm thinking what the hell is that woman doing next to him ! And I'm becoming more demanding.:

I had written a response yesterday but deleted it because I couldn't phrase it right, but you basically said it yourself here.  I think the hardest part is that he expects you to put your life on hold for him, but he will not give a concrete timeline for being together.  To me, that reflects a selfishness that I think would be hard to handle in a longterm partner.  

But I can totally understand how the situation would mess with your head!  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 10:51pm

"Well, yes and no. He says that he doesn't want me to find anyone (just like I don't want him to work on his M eventhough he has the right to do so if he wants to), but of course, I am free to break up whenever I want and he says it too. If I stay with him, he wants me to be exclusive with him."

 

NO NO NO!  He does EXPECT you to stop dating other men.  It is his expectation.  Of course you have the right to leave him---he can't lock you in the closet and make these demands.  But he has made it clear if you do chose to date, he will end his R with you. That means he has the expectation, and that there is only one proper course of action in his opinion. If you do not take that course, he will respect your decision but he will cut you out of his life.  That puts intense pressure on you to do it his way. That is very unfair.  Whether or not you can play the field and whether or not you are OK going along with his demand, it is hypocritical and it is a double standard.  And that does not say good things about him.  It says that he is more concerned with his own happiness and comfort than he is with yours.  Is that what you want in a future H?  A man who has shown repeatedly that his needs will come first?  He did it again when you were pregnant with his children. You wanted at least a chance to discuss the possibility of being together and becoming a family, but he did not give you that as an option.  Whether or not he went with you or paid for the procedure, he put his own needs ahead of yours without even considering the life that you wanted.  And now he is expecting you to put your life on hold, when he won't give you any timeline for leaving his M.  That is selfish.  You call it stubborn, but it isn't just stubborn...it's completely self-centered.  

This cannot be your dream guy, sireanita.  I just can't believe that somebody with such high ideals about love would desire a man like that.  I hate to say it so bluntly, but just about ANYONE you could find would be better than him based on what you have said about him.  He's a chronic cheater, he's older than you, he already has so many financial and time obligations in his life.  I know he has many things you love like his affection for you and his devotion to his kids, but I think if you were to write a really realistic pros and cons list about him, you'd begin to see that waiting around for him seems a little crazy.  He should be the one waiting around for you, because it seems like you have much more to offer the world than he does.  And that said, I actually LIKE your AP from many of the things you have said, but I would not wish him upon any woman who I liked or respected.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2012
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 8:38am
"Now he says that I knew that he was married and I am always free to break up if I don't want to wait for him"

"he didn't promise that he'll come and find me later. He said that if I break up, he would have to make efforts to heal and forget me

Doesn't this make you upset? When i think of it, I want a man who says he wants me and will not give up on me and will fight for the relationship... not a i will have to forget you and heal.I want that PASSION, passion for fight for me passion to make it work.

just from reading your posts: I think you are too good for this man. He has a lot of baggage starting with you will be the 3rd wife and knowing that he cheatedon his last 2 wives. There is a pattern. He has kids and will need to pay child support. He puts himself ahead of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 10:18am
Hi Anita
Is that normal? The answer is yes when there is a single AP and married AP dynamic.
sireanita wrote:

 

As much as it sucks, I understand that he can't give me a deadline. And I do think that things like that should happen naturally

 

This is dangerous thinking Anita! Leaving a marriage is not the 'natural' course of action, it's a only small percentage that do. If you let things run on their natural course in 'Affairland' , the marrieds stay put. 

Have you read any of the stories on these board that carried the same arrangement as yours for over 10 years? Do you think the single AP's did not have the same strength and hope that you have right now, at the beginning of the A? When the dynamic is like this, the R slowly starts to chip away at the single AP's self esteem, no matter how intelligent or strong you think you may be, the relentless adage of 'why doesn't he pick me?' will be damaging you. How our loved ones respond to us has a considerable impact on how we feel about ourselves, be mindful of that. 

Have a read back at your earlier posts and compare them to your current ones. You are already attached to this man, how do you think you will feel 2 years on? And by that point, not only would you be in deeper, but you will be bargaining the time you have invested in him, you will be thinking 'I have waited this long, I may as well wait for another year'. Please, look after yourself Anita, set a date, and let it be known to AP. Why are you always so understanding about his situation and he is not of yours? Please ask yourself that.

I wish you well Anita.

 

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