Not even sure why I am posting this

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Not even sure why I am posting this
9
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 11:34am
I don't really know what I am looking for here. I guess it's more of a vent than anything else.

Don't want to go through the whole long story - in short: we met, fell in love, didn't work out, split for 2 years, she got married while we were apart. Never stopped loving each other, finally got back together, started an affair, didn't take us long to realize that it wasn't nearly enough and we both wanted more from it than we were getting. I understood it sooner, she later, but I never pressured her - I wanted her to come to that realization on her own and she finally did.

She didn't leave her marriage solely for me, at least I don't think so, it was a combination of many factors, one of them being that she married him hastily and on a rebound and there was never love in that marriage, only long-term close friendship.

Once she made a decision to leave her marriage I sold my house and moved to be closer to her and I believe that it did somehow speed things up. She moved out of their house and in with a girlfriend telling me that until her divorce is final it just didn't "feel right" for us to live together. I have to admit that it was a blow but I thought that if that was the way she wanted it to be, I would be able to handle it that way.

Well, it appears that I've overestimated myself. I didn't realize it until this past weekend. She was out of town on business most of last week and I picked her up at the airport Sunday early afternoon. She did spend the rest of Sunday with me and I was expecting her to spend the night since due to her business trip we hadn't had a chance to have any quality time together. She didn't. She said she was tired and wanted to rest and get a good night sleep. I didn't argue, I let her go, but I can't, for the life of me, understand what would be so wrong with having a good sleep in my arms.

As I said, I have never pressured her nor am I ever going to. I am living my life one day at a time waiting for her to become completely ready to take this next step. But I've come to the point where I am starting to question whether we are ever going to be together the way I want us to. Her divorce should be finalized in August and much as I am looking forward to that I find myself dreading it at times because if after it's been final she tells me again that she is not ready to move in with me yet - I don't know if there is going to be anything left for me to hope for.

Maybe I am just being impatient and selfish. Maybe I should be more tolerant and understanding. More composed and rational. Maybe. I don't know. All I know is that I'm tired of having to overcome all these obstacles that keep getting in my way without getting any closer to what I want and need.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 11:48am
Boston - you know you can vent here any time! I'm sorry you are feeling down today. We all go through periods where we become anxious and wonder what we are doing. It is a very difficult situation. Have you been able to talk to OW about your feelings? I know that can be tough too because you don't want to pressure her. Still, maybe talking to her will help you to understand how she is feeling. She may have had other reasons for wanting to be by herself last night.

Wish I had better advice for you! Just know you aren't alone. Hang in there!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 11:57am
Hey Boston,

You obviously felt something and that's why you wanted to post. I think you are over thinking about the MW to go back to her place to sleep. Sometimes I need to be on my own to recover from travel. Don't care for anybody else to be with me. Other than that maybe you are fine. About moving in with you later, did you ask her why she is not so sure?? I wouldn't be in a rush to move in either, if you ask me personally. Take it slowly. you are in a better place compared to a lot of us here and don't worry about it too much. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 12:07pm
Boston,

You've mentioned a few times before how you are in a role of my OW... and your post could have been written by her in most ways.

I don't know that I have a shred of useful advice or insight. For my part, I haven't even started filing paperwork yet so I don't know when my D would be final.

I did move out, like your MW. And it was for a combination of reasons. Well, more accurately, it was a combination of reasons that led to my being open to an A in the first place and moving out was a natural result of progress. Still, I am out to a material extent.

Since she has moved out, does she ever spend the night with you? Was this maybe a one time oddity, maybe she just wanted to wake up at her place? I kind of feel like that once in a while, but I agree that she maybe could have stayed with you. I don't actually "sleep" any better alone, but sometimes I do wish I didn't have to start all of my days a half hour earlier because I have to drive home. After a long business trip, she might have felt the same and didn't/couldn't convey it. I'm just whistling in the dark here, sorry if I'm not much help.

As for being rational... honestly, I think you're probably consistently the most rational person on the board. If anything, you might not be acting selfishly enough. I understand the no pressure thing, but maybe a little pressure would help? If the OW hadn't put some sort of pressure on me, I would have dragged things out FOREVER. It's just how things are because change is hard, but I'm not telling you anything you don't know.

Try not to let it wear you down too much. Maybe she just wanted to go home for convenience, maybe she didn't feel well... it could have been lots of things.

Venting is good. Sometimes you just gotta vent and know that you're being heard. Vent all you like, at minumim I can promise you that you're being listened to.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 12:36pm
Boston

I totally agree with Juliet. You are just over-thinking things a little. (Hey I thought only girls did that. I am kind of comforted to know it's not just us!). I travel a lot with my work too - and sometimes when you get back, you just need a hot bath and your own bed. I can't imagine getting off a plane, for instance, and falling straight into the hot bed of my lover. Silly as it sounds, such things are special - and you want to make sure you are on top form : look lovely, smell lovely, feel fantastic. I am sure she just wanted to get a great night's sleep, in her own bed, so that she could feel 100% for you the next time she saw you.

As for moving in - again, agree with Juliet. Just take it slow. Let her find her feet in her new situation, feel confident that she can deal with it. She will come around when she's ready.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 1:33pm
Boston,

I am not new to this board, I just haven't written in an extremely long time. I am in a very similar situation. I am in the middle of a D with my H and our court date is Thursday and hopefully I will be divorced. I am in a situation where my MM still has not made a single move in the direction of starting to build a life together like we have discussed, as a matter of fact his W knows about me and has chosen to live in ignorance as long as she doesn't "see" anything, and I am the same when it comes to not wanting to put pressure or be too demanding.

Anyway, things came to a head this past weekend and I had to for my own well-being break it off because I refuse to be second best, and the whole nine yards. My heart feels like it has been ripped out and the pain is so intense sometimes that it feels hard to breathe when it hits. My MM does not want it over and I just had to tell him that when he is free and available then we can talk.

I'm telling you this because you need to listen to your heart and your gut instincts as you take it slow. Give yourself time and her time, eventually the answers will materialize and you will be able to figure out where everything stands and always make sure you take good care of yourself...you're the only "you", you have!! I hope I helped a little. Take Care

MidnightBlue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 2:40pm
Hey boston hon

Email me...I haven't been checking my emails lately -- long story, been having some problems of my own here that's kept me off the computer...but email...OK?? I'll get back to you asap. Meanwhile, hang in there -- she loves you and you have no reason to doubt it. You hear me?:) It's not easy. Looking forward to hearing from you...

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 3:43pm
Many thanks everyone.

It may, in fact, be quite possible that I overreacted but at that point it hurt rather badly. I didn't want her to stay so that we could have sex - I would have been just as content with her simply falling asleep beside me. I was expecting her to stay because I thought that she missed me just as much as I missed her. I was totally unprepared for her acting so uncaringly since we've always been so "in tune" with each other. Now that I can think more clearly I realize that maybe it was I who wasn't understanding enough and expecting too much from her when she was so tired from her travel. I really don't have any right to complain come to think of it. Even though she hasn't moved in with me ever since she separated we've been spending almost every weekend together.

Rain, I understand what you are saying about not being selfish enough but I believe some of us just aren't wired that way - you know it better than anyone else, don't you? At the moment I think I should focus more on what's best for her. She is having a hard time dealing with her divorce as it is without me adding any more unnecessary stress to it.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 4:25pm
oh boy, boston, you are all up in your head today aren't you?! how about a little communication with your lady? wasn't that part of the original problem, not enough honest communication between you two way back when. she might honestly have been craving her bed after traveling all week, living in a hotel (or wherever she was) and though you and those arms are tempting, i can understand her wanting to spend some time with you to reassure you (among other things!) and then going home to unpack, and shower/sleep where she's most comfortable. nothing wrong with that. just because she made a different choice than what you wanted from her doesn't make it wrong, just different. she's never given you any reason to doubt that she's not ready for a future with you, has she? she's erring on the safe side by living with her girlfriend until the divorce is final and then you two can really move forward with a life together.

sweetie, calm down and relax a little. she just needs some downtime, not run-away time. i hope you get to see her tonight (or tomorrow) and just let her know that you need to spend a bit more time with her since she was away so long. but no guilt-slinging!

take care, babe. try to remember that everything IS moving in the right direction. just too slow for you!!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 6:49pm
Boston,

I don't think your MW was worried you might press her for sex. Its the feeling you get when you get off from an airplane and you want to go home shower and hit the bed. I am not suggesting the your place is not as good, but its not home for her right now. One day you home will be home for her and she will come back home and rest in your arms as you wish for it. Wait and see, that time is not too far off in the future...

Juliet