Not if but when?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Not if but when?
36
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 11:00am

I've seen it said around here and elsewhere that being discovered is not a question of "if" but "when" - in other words, if the affair goes on long enough discovery is an inevitable occurrence.

How many of us really believe that?

What would you stand to lose if you were discovered?

I would lose pretty much my whole life. People I love dearly would be devastated. Some of my dependents' whole lives would have to be re-arranged because of ME. I'm not positive that I would ever be forgiven by grown children or even ungrown grandchildren. Not sure I would be able to keep living in this house I love (said as I gaze out a window onto a beautiful spring scene - contemplating going for a walk to look up close and personal at all the blooming, budding sprouting going on)... My biggest fear would be for my H and everything he would go through.

How can I risk so much on NOT being discovered, when everyone pretty much thinks it's a "given"?

It has to be for more than stolen moments of good sex. What motivation is there? I do love my OM, but if his welfare is balanced against the welfare of so many others, why do I choose him?

And why am I seeking therapy and insight from all of you? We're all equally messed up! LOL!!

Let's talk about why we think we're doing this and risking so much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 11:50am

I'm at a point in my marriage where I dont care anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2010
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 1:26pm

I don't know what to say,ofcourse there always be a risk but I believe its "IF" and being careful matters the most.

Its not given that we will get discovered.

I think there are many people whose affairs didn't get discovered and they take it to their grave and don't stressed about it,I mean you have done it for 11 years.

Its because it is about ourself not about OM or so many others involved,I think we have affairs for ourself and only ourself,thats why we chose OM over others,well if we see clearly its not OM,its affair we chose.

All I know is I am doing it for thrill and excitement.

We are seeking therapy and insight because we can understand each other and biggest is we don't get judged and give each other advice on affairs and where else can you get that.

All in all its a secret world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 1:58pm

good point - there is NO other place where you can freely talk about your A and get advice. The only advice you will get is to get the h*ll out of it!


That's why i only read on here and talk to an online friend (who's also been in an A) about it. No one else can relate or stay away from telling me to get out.


I also find this board very sobering. Very down to earth. With real people who live real lives. Not some sugar coated, polite, fake existence. Real issues are discussed. I find real people who admit to who they really are.

Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 3:57pm

Pretty much my only fear about being discovered would be the hurt it would cause H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 8:52pm

Well.. i think the why's are pretty obvious and changes actually depending on the couple.. however, i think for each couple, there is a risk assessment that goes on.. and, those who make this work, take very little risks, both emotionally and logistically.. and i think, once the honeymoon period of an A ends, either people have a D day at some point soon enough or settle down to some secure paths that keep this work... if you feel that you're pretty much at a routine, then the risk and therefore an immediate feeling of doom doesn't really surround you.. maybe this is a false sense of security but it works.. for us for example.. over time we learned a lot of lessons..where now.. all communication is initiated by her.. no playful texts or emails.. all relevant information to A or meetings discussed in person or on the phone.. everything deleted after sharing.. and so on.. so tomorrow, if someone looked, there'd be no electronic or physical trace of the A.. like hikers visiting a national park, leave no trace behind.. no footprints.. people's lives mostly go around some kind of

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 12:37am

Hey Lexi,

Great post and things to ponder.

<<...if the affair goes on long enough discovery is an inevitable occurrence...>>

Hmm. I don't know if that is true. I am five years in and I don't think my AP's H will ever find out. She has her life setup where she controls all of the ways that he might (e.g. cell phone and credit card bills). I can't imagine how he'd ever discover it, unless she left her cell phone around or her e-mail open...I just doubt that it would happen. Of course, there's always chance that someone she knows might see us out or something; I guess. If you ask me, unless a major error occurs ( my DDay was idiotic ), I think the spouse has to WANT to discover it. I mean, seriously, if you think about all of the sneaking around we do and the excuses we make, a spouse would have to be either REALLY trusting or kind of oblivious. I wonder which is worse.

Why are we risking so much?

Oh, what a difficult question. I wonder how much any of us really consider the potential consequences of our actions, and even if we did, would the consequences matter to us? I am not sure I have consider the consequences in my A. Perhaps, though, it might be worth thinking about whether the things you listed really ARE as important as you think they are. I know that you feel a certain attachment too them, but you didn't really list anything you couldn't live without. I know that "losing" these people and things (your house) would hurt, but nothing is really life-threatening. What if adultery were punishable by death, which it is in some countries. Would that dissuade us from having an A?

Reading your post I am struck by how self-centered it is (I know that I am self-centered in my behavior in the A, so I don't mean it as any kind of attack).

Why do we think that people would be "devastated" by our actions at all? To think that we, and our actions, could have such an impact on people doesn't seem all that good, or balanced, to me. Actually, when I feel that way, it kind of makes me feel infantile. Do we really think we are the center of everyone's universe; a kind of glue that holds everything together? Many of our posts on this board seem to elevate our own self-importance and the correctness of our actions (and rationalizations). Isn't that a major flaw in our thinking and our character?

<< I do love my OM, but if his welfare is balanced against the welfare of so many others, why do I choose him?>>

Because you, I and others actually aren't paying that much attention to anyone's welfare but our own. If we were really considerate of the welfare of others, we'd never lie, deceive, hide and manipulate to get our own way. Are we REALLY that much different from Bernie Madoff or other crooks, cheats and swindlers? Whatever our rationalizations and justifications, let's just admit that we aren't being honest or considerate of others needs. When we sneak off with our APs we are taking time away from those same people that we think would be devastated to learn of our actions. I believe that I am only able to do that because I choose put my own needs, wants and desires above those of others; whatever my primary motivations (e.g. sex, love, excitement, risk). I doubt that most people really risk this much just for sex; even "sex addicts" like Tiger Woods and Jesse James, must be getting off on being admired, adored and worshiped (i.e. the center of everyone's universe).

<>

I think the same about my W, but at the same time, it seems like a ridiculous feeling. It kind of reminds me of some old movie scene that I remember when a parent/teacher is beating a child/student with a belt/paddle and saying, "this is going to hurt me, more than it hurts you". Oh really? I wonder how many of us would really like to be on the other side.

<>

Reminds me of a t-shirt, "I'm not as think as messed up you are".

Anyway, it's just this male's point of view.

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 1:40am

Some tough questions lexi, but I will try and answer (mostly to myself).

What I hate most about the whole thing is what I did to my H, who did absolutely nothing to deserve it. I picture it like this, H, just sitting there...and all of a sudden someone comes up and swings an oar at his head...totally blindsides him. Well, that's what my A did/was to him. I will say it again (although it doesn't really mean much in the grand scheme of things) but I DID NOT look for this A. I didn't want an A, and as a matter of fact, it was the farthest thing from my mind. If I could answer the why, I would go to school and become a psychiatrist! Really, I still can't figure it out...H and I were happy. We were expecting a grandchild, we both had great jobs making great money and finally getting everything we've always wanted. Really, I could liken what my AP/BF did to me the same way that I described how I think it must have felt like to my H....it was like being hit on the head, totally out of the blue.

What did it cost me? It cost me a good marriage, to a pretty wonderful guy. Yeah, he wasn't perfect...but who is? It also cost me my job and my sobriety...which in the end, is what I think I deserved.

I love my AP/BF a great deal, and I can honestly say that while I did love my H...it came nowhere near to the feelings I have for my AP. Lately I've been thinking and thinking...why did I do this? The only answer that my screwed up brain can come up with is that I am punishing myself. I mean no disrespect to my AP/BF, but that is how I'm starting to feel. And I think it all started with the charges that my son was facing at the time. I have always blamed myself for getting raped...and I felt so "small" from that experience, and that I didn't deserve anything good happen to me, so that when something came along to really prove what an awful person I was...I grabbed it with both hands and didn't let go. It's a horribly messed up way of thinking...but there you go. I feel like I deserve every single rotten thing to happen to me. That I stole the happiness that I did experience throughout the 25 years of my marriage (which includes my children) and that I deserved to have it all taken away. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel absolutely worthless. I tried very hard to bury those thoughts when I got married and became a mother...and then all the ugliness reared it's ugly head again...

I haven't explained it very well, I doubt I ever could. Yeah, I need therapy alright :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 3:32am

Well, I am not all the way in an A yet, lol, but unlike most others, I have been looking for the opportunity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 7:41am
Yes, your situation is a little different oh-my. Sometimes people have "exit" affairs, when the marriage is ready to fall apart anyway, and yours sounds like that somewhat. In those cases there might not be as much to lose, and sometimes the affair actually gives one the reason, purpose or courage to forge ahead with a divorce. It sounds like your MM would be more the one to answer or think about the question (but if you're like me you won't ever let him come here to answer anything LOL. My OM knows about this place but I don't encourage him to come - everyone would probably tell him he deserves so much more than our relationship - heck if he was "disguised" and I didn't know him I'D tell him he deserved so much more!)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 7:44am

I also believe that it's an "if" not "when". But there can always be the unexpected something that can happen! My OM and I do go out to lunch or I do errands with him around where he lives - granted he lives far enough away that running into someone who knows my H would be unlikely but not impossible - it's only about a 35 min. drive.

The thing is, if I TRULY believed it was a "when", I would stop today. I think many of us feel that way.

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