Not if but when?
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| Mon, 04-12-2010 - 11:00am |
I've seen it said around here and elsewhere that being discovered is not a question of "if" but "when" - in other words, if the affair goes on long enough discovery is an inevitable occurrence.
How many of us really believe that?
What would you stand to lose if you were discovered?
I would lose pretty much my whole life. People I love dearly would be devastated. Some of my dependents' whole lives would have to be re-arranged because of ME. I'm not positive that I would ever be forgiven by grown children or even ungrown grandchildren. Not sure I would be able to keep living in this house I love (said as I gaze out a window onto a beautiful spring scene - contemplating going for a walk to look up close and personal at all the blooming, budding sprouting going on)... My biggest fear would be for my H and everything he would go through.
How can I risk so much on NOT being discovered, when everyone pretty much thinks it's a "given"?
It has to be for more than stolen moments of good sex. What motivation is there? I do love my OM, but if his welfare is balanced against the welfare of so many others, why do I choose him?
And why am I seeking therapy and insight from all of you? We're all equally messed up! LOL!!
Let's talk about why we think we're doing this and risking so much.


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"there is NO other place where you can freely talk about your A and get advice. The only advice you will get is to get the h*ll out of it! "
Sometimes that's the advice people get here too! LOL! But if that's the case, it's because we see someone getting treated really badly or someone who's very unhappy with her AP. You are absolutely right about this being the ONLY place to vent or talk about having an A. I was thrilled when I found this place. I go to lots of message boards and have a lot of cyberfriends, but talking about having an A is so taboo that I had to pick an anonymous name on another board that I used to frequent - and boy did I get bashed by the very people who were my friends otherwise (and didn't know it was me, of course).
Good lesson about mentioning the AP! Hopefully after enough time they will forget about what you said.
Proud to be a
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A lot of what you said resonates with me niffer. Somehow, since childhood, I've felt like, if people knew the "real me" they wouldn't love me. I had a mom who gave "conditional" rather than "unconditional" love. She was a great mom when we were babies, toddlers, small children. But when we got old enough to have a mind of our own she made it clear that if we behaved certain ways that we would not be loved. Maybe she didn't even "mean" it, but that's how it came across, dunno...
I also ALWAYS liked having a "double life". In high school AND college, I had two entirely different sets of friends who didn't really know each other. For instance in college there was the frat and sorority crowd, and then the pot smoking laid back frat/sorority haters LOL.
Somehow, when I'm doing my own therapy, I feel like those two factors have something to do with my choices. I'm still responsible for my choices, but those factors of my upbringing/personality have something to do with them.
Proud to be a
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I'm a lot like you never, except that I keep e-mails. My OM told me I should delete them, but I said someday, that might be all I have left of him! We do see each other during the daytime when I'm out and about anyway, and my part time job with weird and varied hours helps that (and his job with days off during the week). I've never "disappeared" during times that anyone would actually notice. I think my chances for discovery are low because of all that - but we're also not in an "infatuation, can't live without you, let's take risks and spend a Sat. together" sort of phase.
But I'm definitely banking on discovery being a huge "if", and a remote possibility with me.
Proud to be a
You've
You say your DDay was idiotic - but we're all idiots sometimes! We're human - we can make mistakes, leave cell phones unattended (although that's not a problem for me), leave our e-mail open (I've actually done that once or twice, as careful as I try to be!)
"Perhaps, though, it might be worth thinking about whether the things you listed really ARE as important as you think they are."
My grown children never forgiving me and my grandchildren's lives being thrown into turmoil are not as important as I think they are? There are certain life situations I have that make this statement about grandchildren more a certainty than a guess.
"Why do we think that people would be "devastated" by our actions at all? To think that we, and our actions, could have such an impact on people doesn't seem all that good, or balanced, to me."
Have you ever read the betrayed spouse board Mpov? Do you know anyone who was blindsided by a spouse's affair? "Devastated" is the perfect word, and don't fool yourself into thinking it wouldn't be devastating. For my H I think it would be especially so - maybe I'm being self absorbed by saying so - but we've known each other since high school, and there's not a day that goes by that he doesn't show me in a million ways that I am his number one priority. He does not deserve the pain he would get - and yes I say he would have great pain, and I don't think I'm being "self absorbed" to say so, I think it's just the simple truth.
"Whatever our rationalizations and justifications, let's just admit that we aren't being honest or considerate of others needs."
I don't rationalize or justify - when have I ever NOT admitted that I am not honest or considerate of other's needs? I'm the first to say that I'm responsible for my own choices, and obviously my needs come first to me if I keep doing this. But then, on a day to day basis, other people's needs are always coming first and that often includes my OM. In the grand scheme of things - I'm terribly selfish and my needs come first. Me admitting that is nothing new.
I do agree that discovery is not inevitable. If I thought it was I would have to stop! Discovery is unthinkable to me.
Proud to be a
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Proud to be a
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Proud to be a
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Hey Lexi,
I was trying to take a different view of the words you used, playing them back to you in a way, but maybe I didn't do that successfully. Let me try again,
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What I meant in asking, "it might be worth thinking about whether the things you listed really ARE as important as you think they are", is simply this,
Why would you risk something that was THAT important and that you cherish so much? Someone responded, effectively, that she is willing to risk the loss of her M, because her M isn't that important to her. To me, that makes sense. If I were to reach down deep and ask why I continue in my A, even post DDay, the only answer I can come up with is that my M really isn't that important to me. I know I care about my W, but I can't argue that I really care about the M (how could I at this point?). The relationship I have with my son is VERY important to me, but I don't think that hinges on my M. I know that my son might be very upset to learn I have been involved in an A, but I choose to believe that would be repairable (rationalization, I know).
I have read stories of people who avoid A because of the importance of their M and family, and the fear of losing it all. All of us here are, or have been, involved in an A, but it's good to remember that people can say NO to having one; It can be done, even if we can't at the moment.
If these things are THAT special to us and people that we don't want to hurt, saying NO to the A should be easy. Shouldn't it? If our spouses asked us to slap them in the face or punch them in the stomach, would we do it? What I am getting at, is that I don't think any of us is hardwired to want to hurt someone.
It's really just me replaying the question which you are trying to answer. If the opinion, well-being and feelings of your children, grand-children and H mean so much, why are you hiding? In simple terms, for me, I think there are two ways to think about it...
1. They are THAT important, but you do it anyway (what's that all about?).
2. They aren't THAT important, so you are willing to do it (I am not saying that is the case for you).
Trust me, Lexi, I am not oblivious to my own actions. I've gone back to my A even at times when it seems so wrong and knowing full well that it would upset my W. I know something isn't right with the way I am thinking about it. I am suggesting we all could think a little harder about the question by answering number 2, first. Maybe if we could honestly answer that, then we could honestly answer number 1.
And yes, my DDAy was WAY beyond DUMB; story for another day.
MPV - Rationalizing and justifying his life away.
Hi Lexi - I've been around ivillage since 2005.
I'm so sorry for what you've went through, benska.
I wanted to share with you that you and I share (or shared) similar beliefs, though for different reasons.
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