Not if but when?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Not if but when?
36
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 11:00am

I've seen it said around here and elsewhere that being discovered is not a question of "if" but "when" - in other words, if the affair goes on long enough discovery is an inevitable occurrence.

How many of us really believe that?

What would you stand to lose if you were discovered?

I would lose pretty much my whole life. People I love dearly would be devastated. Some of my dependents' whole lives would have to be re-arranged because of ME. I'm not positive that I would ever be forgiven by grown children or even ungrown grandchildren. Not sure I would be able to keep living in this house I love (said as I gaze out a window onto a beautiful spring scene - contemplating going for a walk to look up close and personal at all the blooming, budding sprouting going on)... My biggest fear would be for my H and everything he would go through.

How can I risk so much on NOT being discovered, when everyone pretty much thinks it's a "given"?

It has to be for more than stolen moments of good sex. What motivation is there? I do love my OM, but if his welfare is balanced against the welfare of so many others, why do I choose him?

And why am I seeking therapy and insight from all of you? We're all equally messed up! LOL!!

Let's talk about why we think we're doing this and risking so much.

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 9:19pm

"Why would you risk something that was THAT important and that you cherish so much?"

I don't know why! I think it's because I don't think there will ever be a D-day, but that's stupid to really believe that it's impossible. I know that. It's all very illogical, and part of why I'm forcing myself to think about it here. Do you think that everyone who feels they have a lot to lose don't REALLY think their family and loved ones are THAT important?

"They are THAT important, but you do it anyway (what's that all about?)."

I don't know what that's all about. My children are grown. I think grown children are a lot more unforgiving than small or half grown ones are. They put their parents, especially moms, on a pedestal somewhat. Thinking through possible consequences makes me wanna go get a drink right this second...

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 9:24pm

I've been reading D-day threads today funky, and it's a scary scary thing... We have one here, but there's also one on the EAS board. It's the stuff of nightmares! I think, no matter how careful, no matter the small chance of discovery, it's always a good possibility. Maybe not 100%, but I wonder how many affairs ARE "taken to the grave"?

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 9:28pm
That's an awful story Jenn - and I do remember you! I hope you've had some therapy since your ex's suicide, and I hope you know that what he did was not your fault. I know you must feel terrible guilt - I can't even begin to imagine! Was he in any sort of treatment for depression? So sad for your kids too. Hugs to you, and thank you for sharing your story!

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 9:31pm
niffer, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that! What a great loss to you that was. Children (and obviously grandchildren) suffer greatly with suicide. It's like the worst of all things - abandonment by a loved one and death of a loved one all rolled into one. Hugs to you sweetie!

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 9:46pm
My H the other night walk in the room pat me in the back and tell me "__________I know you have another man in your life. I just want you to admitted it to me, I am not stupid. I just laugh and told him he was crazy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 9:58pm

"I don't know what that's all about. My children are grown. I think grown children are a lot more unforgiving than small or half grown ones are. They put their parents, especially moms, on a pedestal somewhat. Thinking through possible consequences makes me wanna go get a drink right this second..."


ITA with this statement, right down to the wanting to get a drink right this second;).


I guess I'm fortunate (if you could call it that) in that the only person who would get hurt would be H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 10:07pm

Thank you, lexi.


It took me years to get over, and had far reaching consequences for everyone in my family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 9:04am
If divorce is inevitable Still, why not take the bull by the horns (so to speak) and start your new life NOW? Will it ever be a better time? It just seems you're very miserable in your marriage. I know it's hard to imagine the steps you have to take, but start imagining taking them. Write a list of what things you would have to do to get your ducks in a row, and maybe DO whatever you write as the first step. Maybe it's getting a job or a better paying job? That's hard to do right now, but set your sights on doing it, and don't think about any other step until that one is done. I think going about doing what you have to do will be time consuming enough that you won't be obsessing over AP as much - and you'll feel so good about actually trying to get yourself a better life! I know you'll probably give me a long list of reasons that you can't do it, but really, you COULD do it if it was important.

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You've

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Registered: 03-29-2010
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 9:08am

"I've actually thought about this before in relation to my own parents. I love them both dearly, and if either one ever cheated on the other, I would have a hard time forgiving. However, my parents are also very happy together. If they were miserable, or treated each other poorly, it would be easier for me to understand and get past, kwim?"

But that's what my kids see niffer - the same things you see when you look at your parents - we ARE happy together. We enjoy a lot of the same things, we treat each other well, (that they can see), we enjoy our family together. So they would be totally shocked and blindsided, trust me, and in total support of their dad. I'm not sure they would ever speak to me again, and I'm not sure I would expect them to do so!

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2008
Wed, 04-14-2010 - 6:48pm

Very thought-provoking topic, Lexi, and