Not my fault - the mantra
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| Thu, 09-03-2009 - 3:50pm |
I read the betrayed spouses forum a lot and the advice always given to the betrayed spouse begins with - "It's not your fault". I want to be sensitive to the unspeakable pain they are feeling so I am posting up here.
Is it constructive to think that you can never at least be partially at fault? Infidelity is not murder, or even a felony last I checked. If someone is unhappy with their spouse and communicates their unmet needs to their spouse in vain and for one of many reasons doesn't want a divorce is it impossible to imagine that the betrayed spouse is an innocent victim? I mean totally blameless.
Let's just say if my wife had an affair I wouldn't look in the mirror and say I was without any blame for driving her to that. For people to say "I know our marriage had it's problems, but I am blameless for his or her actions" sounds like you are just sticking your head in the sand. Any thoughts?

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This is JMHO but I had an A during my first M and I can truly say that it wasn't my XH fault. Yes, it was a bad M and he was not a good H but my decision to cheat was all on me. I don't care how many times you communicate to a spouse about your unmet needs and they don't meet them, you cannot blame your spouse for YOU deciding to step outside of your M. We are all adults and can make a decision to end the M before we bring a third party into it. No M is without problems. Not wanting a divorce but getting your needs met by two ppl means that you individually don't feel like you are a whole person. Talking about myself too in the past. If you had enough courage to step away from the bad M and pursue someone who can do better at meeting your needs you will see that you had an A because YOU wanted it all. No one person can truly meet your needs 100% of the time and expecting someone to do so is unrealistic. You have to find that thing within you that makes you whole.
A long time ago I was a BS and it does feel like murder when you are on that side. It is the worse pain I have ever felt.
I don't want to be misunderstood - I am not talking from personal experience. My wife is about as close to perfect as one can be.
But when I look in the mirror, or observe other spouses' behavior I can't say I would blame the spouse for cheating. I don't believe it's either divorce or silent suffering if you have problems with your spouse.
But I guess it's impossible to defend lying.
I mean it's your own personal decision to have an A.
I agree with myrasfriend here..
Ultimately the very decision to resolve marital problems by cheating is our own decision.
The BS can be
Sunshine
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I see you are taking offense to my honesty. I tend to shoot straight from the hip. You maintain that if your MM was happy at home he wouldn't be sleeping with you but can't one say that if he were so happy with you he wouldn't go home to his W? If telling yourself he is so unhappy at home that he needs you helps you to sleep at night doing what you are doing, that's good, but at the end of the day both you and his W are enabling him. It seems as if he needs to women in his life catering to his needs to be "happy". Just a thought.
One has to be happy with themself and not want to lead a double life full of dishonesty. I'm not throwing stones I have BTDT and I have lived that life and I am in a happy M now but happiness and dishonesty are not tied together. OK, I am done with this thread.
"I don't want to be misunderstood - I am not talking from personal experience. My wife is about as close to perfect as one can be. "
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