Not my fault - the mantra

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Not my fault - the mantra
46
Thu, 09-03-2009 - 3:50pm

I read the betrayed spouses forum a lot and the advice always given to the betrayed spouse begins with - "It's not your fault". I want to be sensitive to the unspeakable pain they are feeling so I am posting up here.

Is it constructive to think that you can never at least be partially at fault? Infidelity is not murder, or even a felony last I checked. If someone is unhappy with their spouse and communicates their unmet needs to their spouse in vain and for one of many reasons doesn't want a divorce is it impossible to imagine that the betrayed spouse is an innocent victim? I mean totally blameless.

Let's just say if my wife had an affair I wouldn't look in the mirror and say I was without any blame for driving her to that. For people to say "I know our marriage had it's problems, but I am blameless for his or her actions" sounds like you are just sticking your head in the sand. Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Fri, 09-04-2009 - 1:26pm

" I think the BS is not totally blameless. If the marriage was good you would not look elsewhere to be fulfilled."

"but I think her indifference is "letting" him do what he wants to do. If things were good at home wouldn't he want to be home? wouldn't he want to go home to her?

His W is not to blame but she bears some responsibility in my opinion."

I agree with this post. I would also add that this all comes down to the fact that indirectly, the BS is at fault as well.If the problems in M have been addressed and inspite of that,the WS's needs are not being met ( with D not being an option),the WS will be inclined to AP.
We all are human and do have emotional needs.If the spouse wont provide them,someone else will.Its then that the BS comes running and plays the victim.

I 100% agree that if the M was good, no one will look out ( not including the A's which are based on sex,lust,serial etc.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Fri, 09-04-2009 - 4:11pm
Unfortunately I have been in an A with a MW for 3 plus years. My wife is near perfect, I am deeply flawed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
Fri, 09-04-2009 - 6:03pm

TC,


From your posts on EAS, here and elsewhere it seems you are determined to justify your actions regardless and are simply looking for validation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Fri, 09-04-2009 - 6:48pm

I apologize for not being clear. This post is not about my situation. My wife is not at fault. My behavior is impossible to justify.

I was commenting that over on Betrayed Spouses that each reply post begins with "It's not your fault" I don't agree with that 100%. But in my A it is certainly true that i am 100% at fault. But some people are in bad marriages and can't/shouldn't get a divorce.

But what about people who don't want (can't) a divorce. Do they just forgo happiness? Companionship? Sex?

You should just exist within a bad marriage, or get a divorce? I can accept that, although I don't agree with it. And once again, I am 100% to blame for my A,I can not justify my behavior, but I don't believe everyone in an A is as bad as I.

Hey everyone out there in an A, or previously in an A - Was it all your fault that you chose an A? You should have been faithful or got a divorce? This isn't about my situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Fri, 09-04-2009 - 7:23pm

There are two issues being confused here.


1. Both people in a M are usually responsible for a bad M. Sometimes one more than the other. So, a BS is usually at least partially responsible for the problems in the M.


but


2. It is the WS who is responsible for being a WS, ie for cheating and turning outside of the M to fulfill needs, while still remaining in the M. The BS has no responsibility for the WS'

Sunshine

.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2009
Fri, 09-04-2009 - 7:27pm

Your post really struck a chord with me, Coach.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2009
Fri, 09-04-2009 - 8:41pm

Hello all ~


@ TC - I get what you're saying. I too have read

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Fri, 09-04-2009 - 11:23pm

i believe there certainly has to be a disconnect in the marriage for


an a to happen, and as usually happens, the w will blame the ow,


the mm will blame the ow and the ow becomes the scapegoat


generally.


as far as defending lying to be an a, all a's have some degree of


deceipt on the part of all parties involved. the question is can


you live with yourself and the lies it takes to keep up the facade.


it would most likely induce more lies when d day hits and on and on.


if a spouse is unhappy enough in a m to be seeking out some


type of other relationship, then why is it that the possible ws


is not able to discuss this void in the m with their spouse, or


maybe they have and just didn't get the answer they wanted


to hear from their spouse. it is a broken r anyway you look at it.


mm are reluctant to leave a m due to many things including


the thought of facing the loss of contact with children, fear


of financial loss, comfort zone, etc.


it is certainly a personal choice, no i do not believe that the bs


is always a blindsided victim, but it certainly brings up more


questions than answers.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2009
Sat, 09-05-2009 - 12:40am
More than likely the BS fault - she/he didn't put out enough.... All the affair partners are blameless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2009
Sat, 09-05-2009 - 8:28am

"But what about people who don't want (can't) a divorce. Do they just forgo happiness? Companionship? Sex? "


YES, YES and YES! If you do not want a divorce then things are not that bad and you should work on your marriage. THere is NO SUCH THING AS CANT!!! "Cant" is a GIANT Cop out!!!!!!!!!! Its just a way of being a cake eater..end of story! Kids, money, school is all BS. Get a divorce.


I agree with the post that said something like