Not my fault - the mantra
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| Thu, 09-03-2009 - 3:50pm |
I read the betrayed spouses forum a lot and the advice always given to the betrayed spouse begins with - "It's not your fault". I want to be sensitive to the unspeakable pain they are feeling so I am posting up here.
Is it constructive to think that you can never at least be partially at fault? Infidelity is not murder, or even a felony last I checked. If someone is unhappy with their spouse and communicates their unmet needs to their spouse in vain and for one of many reasons doesn't want a divorce is it impossible to imagine that the betrayed spouse is an innocent victim? I mean totally blameless.
Let's just say if my wife had an affair I wouldn't look in the mirror and say I was without any blame for driving her to that. For people to say "I know our marriage had it's problems, but I am blameless for his or her actions" sounds like you are just sticking your head in the sand. Any thoughts?

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"But what about people who don't want (can't) a divorce. Do they just forgo happiness? Companionship? Sex? "
yes, you chose your spouse and chose to marry. if you don't like the confines
of either of those choices, then get out.
neutral question just
i guess my question is kind of like, so after so many years
xap and i cross paths again and my thoughts as to what
his reaction is, is maybe like pavlov's dogs....i am the dinner bell,
so to speak, he sees me and instantly thinks about sex with me
thanks, i'm honored, lol, me too, i remember the great sex, too
and would love to do it again, but reality is, i don't want to be
left high and dry again so once he is sexually satisfied by me,
he goes about life like i don't exist, and i don't. i am pavlov for
him, i represent sex to him and nothing more. that part is not very
flattering, now is it...lol by the way, i bought him a fleshlight...
maybe that will help when he thinks of me, but if he wants the real
deal of me, then he will give me the whole enchilada, a real r i can
pursue with him as a man who is available to offer that to me
Hi Survivor, You make a statement that I always shake my head at - "Why do single women get involved with married men" It must be for the sex and maybe having someone older, more experienced to talk about life. I have a 50 something MM friend with a 28 year old SW. They see each other once a week. She actively dates others and I think has great sex with mm and she uses him as a de-facto counselor. I don't know??? Who the Fxxk am I to judge?
Any SW monogamous with a MM makes me crazy. As a mm I won't fool around with a sw. I'm in my 40s, and seeing how this is anonymous WTF - I attract a lot of positive attention from women. I'm the typical narcissist bastard. I work with 20 something year old sw (s) and see others at the gym, who would have sex with me. I don't for 2 reasons: (1)How horrible do I want to be to my DW? (2) After/while being involved with me these young girls would be in greater need of a psychiatrist than moi'. Yes, they may say they just want sex, but it doesn't ever end up that way.
So your question - what's in it for you? It would have to be supplemental (no-attachment) great sex. (is that an oxymoron?)
You can see him, but you MUST be actively dating single guys. Use the mm for whatever you need from him - its a purely selfish, decadent relationship. I could go on forever if you want to email me off line, I'm just gonna deeper hole . But I NEVER NEVER understood the SW going for the MM unless she just wants sex. And can keep it at that! Hey women - even if he leaves his family - then you have a broke divorced guy with kids who has already proven to be a lying cheat. GREAT CATCH!!! your Mom will be so proud! Now it's your turn to be the BS.
TC, this makes good sense. I try to read as much as possible on these MM to try and understand all of this better.
In my experience, i did just that, pursued a MM for sex and for a "counsellor", something my own H could not ever give me, and MM being about 17 years oler than me could do well. But you know what ends up happening? We get attached. and after MM started using "i love you"'s, after a while of that my emotional wall came down and i found myself very much attached to him.
And after some time
Sunshine
.
Welcome to being human. He F'd up the rules by saying he loves you. Well, you are a MW so you do have a H (and kids??) to fall back on, so you're not a SW pining away by themselves limiting their future happiness for some MM cheat. (like me)
But yeah, I have spent countless hours missing my mw ap. I'm surrounded by family and feel totally alone.
But I think a MW, who wants to stay M can have a greater emotional attachment to a MM. Unless your A is the only thing keeping you married. Then the A or the M needs to end. Am I making any sense with my double standards? I think I am because there is a world of difference in situations between a MW (who wants to remain M) and a SW.
you are right...i am also 40's and i am getting smarter about it
is all i can say, i have no problem calling his bluff, so that is
probably why mm looking for an a goes for younger s women,
they haven't figured it out yet, and don't care, the younger sw...lol
any man has to bring more to the table than just his
member if they want to be involved with me. we do know
that half of the population, give or take has those things,
so, yes, what else does he bring to the table....i am sw with
jr. high school child, it is not uncommon for dating folks in this
age bracket will have kids, ex's, etc.
Yes you make a lot of sense.
He f'd up royally when he introduced 'love' in the A. Telling me things like i love you, i miss you all the time, blah blah blah.
It took me a while to say it back but when i did i really meant it. After some time of that the A became very emotional and eventually it became toxic for me - it was harder and harder to leave him each time. And he seemed to be ok with it, which bothered me. Of course he denied it and said it was hard.
Im M, i have no kids (only married a year) and xAP has 2.
I'm NC with him now for the 2nd time and it's crazy the amount of grief i'm going thru. We work together so i will see him and it will be really really bad.
:( I just couldn't continue with this..the coming and the going, the limited time together, the fact that he'll never be with me like normal couples are, all that..just too much pain.
Sunshine
~Saying good-bye to the times we've had is the same as saying hello to the times to come~
Sunshine
.
another question, so is it that mm thinks that ap would not want
him if he left his m.....mm is under a lot of pressure, to try to maintain
the appearances of a happy home life, being a good dad, etc. but
he is feeling that his ife has no happiness in it for him and he feels guilty
for wanting his own happiness outside of what society tells him he
is supposed to do. see, some of use do understand that....but
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