Not my fault - the mantra

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Not my fault - the mantra
46
Thu, 09-03-2009 - 3:50pm

I read the betrayed spouses forum a lot and the advice always given to the betrayed spouse begins with - "It's not your fault". I want to be sensitive to the unspeakable pain they are feeling so I am posting up here.

Is it constructive to think that you can never at least be partially at fault? Infidelity is not murder, or even a felony last I checked. If someone is unhappy with their spouse and communicates their unmet needs to their spouse in vain and for one of many reasons doesn't want a divorce is it impossible to imagine that the betrayed spouse is an innocent victim? I mean totally blameless.

Let's just say if my wife had an affair I wouldn't look in the mirror and say I was without any blame for driving her to that. For people to say "I know our marriage had it's problems, but I am blameless for his or her actions" sounds like you are just sticking your head in the sand. Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Sun, 09-06-2009 - 9:24pm

Coach,


Thank you for not having an affair with a SW.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Sun, 09-06-2009 - 9:42pm

I'm not sure if you directed that question to me. My mw ap wants to leave her dh. But for me. She has told him she wants to leave and be with me.

I don't want to leave. Would I be happier with my ap compared to my dw? probably. But the whole package of hurting my dw, and my kids, and her kids makes it an easy decision to stay. And my ap knows my feelings. She says she respects my honesty and my decision. Many times I have offered to end the A for her benefit, and we have gone nc. She knows we will not end up together and some day we will break up, but right now she says she is not ready for nc, or lc. The next easy decision is to stop cheating. But I love and like my ap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Sun, 09-06-2009 - 10:05pm

It's also the invisible hand of self-preservation at work. I would worry that a sw would be significantly more likely to tell my wife, or black mail me if things went South.

But I do honestly believe that an A between a MM and SW is extremely unfair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 12:47am

agreed, it is the path of least resistance for mm until dd


and it also puts a woman in the position of giving away


her power, m or s.







iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 1:03pm
Hmmmm let's see TC. If a man says he is

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 2:05pm
Well, I certainly appreciate the effort you put into your response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 2:33pm

Coach,


Hi.


Post-discovery has a linear and predictable path, which the "veteran" participants on the BSS board are extremely knowledgeable on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 6:40pm

Empowerment1-


Sorry but I think you're post is out of line.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 6:57pm

MoonUnit

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Wed, 09-09-2009 - 2:32pm

Moon,


Hi.


<>


I've been married a long, long time.