Not my fault - the mantra

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Not my fault - the mantra
46
Thu, 09-03-2009 - 3:50pm

I read the betrayed spouses forum a lot and the advice always given to the betrayed spouse begins with - "It's not your fault". I want to be sensitive to the unspeakable pain they are feeling so I am posting up here.

Is it constructive to think that you can never at least be partially at fault? Infidelity is not murder, or even a felony last I checked. If someone is unhappy with their spouse and communicates their unmet needs to their spouse in vain and for one of many reasons doesn't want a divorce is it impossible to imagine that the betrayed spouse is an innocent victim? I mean totally blameless.

Let's just say if my wife had an affair I wouldn't look in the mirror and say I was without any blame for driving her to that. For people to say "I know our marriage had it's problems, but I am blameless for his or her actions" sounds like you are just sticking your head in the sand. Any thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2009
Wed, 09-09-2009 - 5:42pm

Unless someone explicitly says to their spouse that they are unhappy about something to the point of needing to go outside of their marriage in order to get their need(s) met, that someone is wrong in doing so.

Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love.       ~Anonymous
 &nb

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 12:18pm

"We all have our needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 1:39pm

Mom,


Hi.


<>


He felt they were either unreasonable or undoable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2009
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 5:04pm
If your spouse was so bad, why didnt you just divorce him before looking elsewhere?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Thu, 09-10-2009 - 6:04pm

my guess would be that the a was what cemented her decision


i think most women, once they have decided on an a, to be


physical with someone else, they have already reached the


point of no return in a r or m.


men seem to be wired differently in that respect and will become


involved in an a but will refuse to leave, for the most part,


and never had the intention of leaving when they started an a.


they get their house cleaned, dinner cooked, errands ran, etc.


so they just pick up an ap for

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-11-2009 - 3:12am
in deed a very good question. I should have and I'm kicking myself fully for not leaving a couple of years ago. I also didn't go looking for anything else. This was something that started completely innocently. We truly were just friends, and he was friends with my stbx. I met him, and thought he'd really get along great with

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