not my problem ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
not my problem ...
6
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 10:34pm

For those of you who have read any of my previous posts my AP is an emotional roller coaster. Every time something happens he swears it will never happen again, that it's killing him ... we go through the same thing all the time. He also maintains very strongly that I have no idea what I mean to him and that he wants me in his life forever. He wants to work towards an 'acceptable' friendship. I have told him I don't think that is possible ... but anyway ... just a quick vent ...

We have for the most part just kept up with the flirty texts/pictures. Sometimes they are more intense than others but it has been dialed back in frequency for sure. Last night there was a little back and forth but nothing too bad ... for us anyway ... then this morning when he was getting off shift he made a joke about meeting him ... I jokingly said sure ... still thinking it was all a joke ... then because I had a nagging feeling I asked if he was serious because I didn't want him to show up and me not be there ... because I had no intentions of actually going ... in the long run he said he was serious ... we joked that we wold try and just 'snuggle' and not let anything else happen ... uh, right ... but anyway ... so I head to where we are meeting but the house is not empty like I had thought it would be so i send him a test letting him know not to come. Now car visits are not completely unheard of for us and that is suggested and he tells me where to go ... I go there and there are people there so he tells me not to go there but to follow him ... so at this point options 1 and 2 have failed ... I continue to follow him through the area and we are jokingly texting back and forth about the situation .... he starts heading back towards his house and I ask if I should still be following him to which he replies yes ... so I do ... we end up having our car visit and going our separate way ... I decide that I'm just going to act like nothing has happened ... I usually get all worried that he is going to freak out and ask if he is ok ... Today I decided not to ... So I just sent him the usual text early evening saying hi and that I hoped he had a good day and got some sleep ... to which he responds ... nope, as usual mad at myself for what happened ... COME ON NOW!!!! He suggested the meeting .... he drove around town having me follow him when the first 2 locations didn't work out ... Was I a participant ... yes ... willingly and happily ... but he had many opportunities to change his mind, this was not some spur of the moment we couldn't control ourselves thing ... this was planned ... this was an active decision on his part to meet me for the sole purpose of .. well you get the picture ... I made it a point not to ask how he was because I just didn't want to deal with it ... In the end I just ended up ignoring the comment and continuing the conversation like he didn't say it ... Most of the time I end up feeling completely guilty that he feels so badly about what happened ... but I don't have it in me anymore. He is making his own choices ... I have been completely up front with him about how I feel and that I do care very much for him and that I enjoy his company both emotionally and physically ... so I know and take complete ownership of my part in this ... I want to be part of it ... i'm not proud that I want to be part of it, but I admit that I do ... How can he tell me he doesn't want to be part of it and then have situations like this morning ... it just doesn't make sense ...

Just frustrated and needed to get my thoughts out there ... Is it bad that I want to be part of this but feel like this whole "i'm mad at myself" isn't my problem. He's obviously making a choice to see me ... that's his choice ... should I say no when he suggests it because he's going to get mad at himself after? Or should I not suggest getting together because he might feel bad after he sees me?

We're supposed to talk later but I told him I had no desire to have any more 'talks' or discussions ... that we could just have our normal midnight chat ... we'll see what happens.

Avatar for earnhardt_jr_fan
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 11:21pm

He has something I akin to buyer's remorse. You know, you see that super cute shirt, try it on and love it. It's expensive, but you REALLLY want it.. so, you buy it. You wake up the next morning and oh boy.. did I really buy that sets in. It's the same thing -- only he seems to repeatedly buy the same damned expensive shirt.

I really think the best thing for you to do it BE HONEST with him. Tell him that you can't deal with this remorse he feels afterward. That he needs to decide if he wants to do it or not. If he does, then commit to it and stop being wishy washy. If he doesn't, he needs to stop asking for it. Plain and simple. I would, perhaps recommend, you don't oblige him next time he asks for it. If he asks why, tell him you're tired of the "Woe is me for doing it" attitude afterward.

Photobucket
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 12:22am
ITA with Brandee.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 8:43am

Agree with Brandee and Niffer. And I wonder - will he ever get to a place where he doesn't have such regrets afterward? If he never gets to that place, can you continue to deal with it? When guys show evidence of this behavior early in an A, I always recommend that the A be ended, because you'll be thought of as the "enticer" "the seductress" etc etc, throughout the whole A. That way he isn't responsible, at least in his own mind. And if there's a d-day - this guy is the one who would throw you right under that bus, saying you were offering yourself and how could he refuse that??

If he never changes his attitude, I would think about being put in this position for the entirety of the A, and if you should have to handle that. He IS responsible, you did not handcuff him and force anything on him, he is an adult with his own mind who chose to have happen exactly what happened. Tell him to put on his big boy pants LOL.

Proud to be a



Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 2:30pm
Why would you put yourself through all of that for a few minutes in a car with a guy who feels guilty afterwards. Don't you think you are worth more than that? If you don't why don't you and why settle for those little crumbs from a man who is disgusted with himself after being with you? I know you can do better than that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 3:59pm

All of us in A's don't always make the best choices when feelings get involved. Why do I do it ... because I care about him ... very much. Because before the guilt sets in he's wonderful. So I know I am guilty of putting myself in this situation and remaining in it. I have also taken complete ownership for my choices ... I have my own guilt, but I have dealt with that or have at least tried to I can't handle his as well.

I don't know if anyone else feels this way but my M was very troubled when this started now I don't know how to fix it. How can I grow old with my H and try to rebuild a happy M when I will always know that I did this. Not only did I physically cheat on him, but I grew to care about another man so deeply that I made it some how ok. There is a connection with my AP that I don't have and never have had with my H ...

I'm just all screwed up right now. I was honest with AP this morning and he did his usual bit about how he has a right to his feelings and I know he's going to feel guilty after ... I don't argue that fact .... but he still makes the choice to show up and I guess so do I ... I don't want a future with my AP, but I don't want to lose him either ... I do want a future with my H but don't this is a big secret to carry around forever.

Sorry, a bit lost and confused right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 4:54pm

While we don't have the exact same problem...regarding guilt afterward, but it's similar...it comes from the guilt,.....my AP gets freakishly paranoid. So doing anything "new" ie...location etc...wigs him out. He is so afraid of being caught that he sucks the fun out. Then I, later, I would get wiggy and insecure and he's all like "what's wrong with you"?

I finally figured that his psychosis was a trigger for mine. I told him that I know, if I were as stressed as him in this A that I know that "I" would not be doing it. So that made me nervous all the time...like always waiting for the other shoe... How could I expect him to do something that there's no way I would do.

I told him that it had to stop or that I had to stop, I was not going to be responsible for his ulcer or heart attack lol..he definitely did not want that! He has eased up on that for sure and taken a (little) more risk but without the nerves.