I absolutely think that I made my xAP's marriage much more bearable by my presence in his life. I provided intimacy, emotional support, a shoulder to lean on, a sympathetic ear, someone to share everything with. He is not close to his W (and they have no kids) so I filled a huge void in his life. And of course, the paradox - I did such a great job of being his pseudo-spouse for 3 years that he had no reason to change his life, he had everything he needed!
I did everything imaginable to try to get him to make a move and nothing worked, the farthest I got was when he visited a D lawyer a year and a half ago. I ended up leaving him b/c it was going nowhere. I am still processing the fact that he prefers to be in a miserable boring M than with me; the 'rejection' really stings. All the beautiful 'words' came out of his mouth, he said everything I wanted to hear but when it came to action... nada. Ah, the fantasy of A-land :-(
I'm willing to bet that many affair partners have experienced this, but were unaware of that fact...that they were unwittingly making their MAP's situation at home more
Most MM in an A are in it to supplement their lacking M. If they can get it without too much hassle from the AP then why make any changes? They got it good in both worlds....and if the AP gets too demanding and create too much drama, then that's when the excuses comes in. If push comes to shove, it's the AP that usually get the bad end of the deal and they go back to finding another AP who's more willing and pliable to his needs. Which is of course just to supplement his bad M.
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
My most honest answer is that telling him you are done in hopes that he will realize what he lost and leave his wife to be with you is a very dangerous proposition. I wouldn't expect it to work. Sure, he might very well appreciate the challenge and come after you, but that does not mean he will leave his wife.
So, I think in reality, you need to decide what YOU want. And you need to be realistic and realize that he may never leave his W.
i wanted to make a quick response. if you have an AP who has been married for 15, 20, 25 years or better. it's not easy to leave a marriage no matter how bad. you have your comfort zone. how could anyone expect an AP to leave a marriage for an AP they barely know that has been in this long committed relationship. then there are AP with small children, you can't expect them to leave those children. there's home, children, finances, ect. it is selfish to suggest it. also we are the intruders in their lives. their lives come first, as it should be. enjoy your time with your AP for what it is. i told my AP i want to make him happy. i asked him if i do, he said yes. that's all that matters to me. him leaving his life, would be totally selfish to even think it.
I'll probably be in the minority on this, but I don't think it is selfish for someone to live their life with truth and integrity....meaning, if it truly is their AP they love and want to lie with, then that is what they should do and that to me is actually the less selfish choice as it alllows the other parties to live their true life.
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I absolutely think that I made my xAP's marriage much more bearable by my presence in his life. I provided intimacy, emotional support, a shoulder to lean on, a sympathetic ear, someone to share everything with. He is not close to his W (and they have no kids) so I filled a huge void in his life. And of course, the paradox - I did such a great job of being his pseudo-spouse for 3 years that he had no reason to change his life, he had everything he needed!
I did everything imaginable to try to get him to make a move and nothing worked, the farthest I got was when he visited a D lawyer a year and a half ago. I ended up leaving him b/c it was going nowhere. I am still processing the fact that he prefers to be in a miserable boring M than with me; the 'rejection' really stings. All the beautiful 'words' came out of his mouth, he said everything I wanted to hear but when it came to action... nada. Ah, the fantasy of A-land :-(
trixie
Hi anon :)
I'm willing to bet that many affair partners have experienced this, but were unaware of that fact...that they were unwittingly making their MAP's situation at home more
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
- Ramona L. Anderson
Thanks ladies.
I keep wondering why AP stays in his M if I offer so much to AP and his W offers so little...
I haven't read anyone's responses so forgive me if I'm redundant.
My most honest answer is that telling him you are done in hopes that he will realize what he lost and leave his wife to be with you is a very dangerous proposition. I wouldn't expect it to work. Sure, he might very well appreciate the challenge and come after you, but that does not mean he will leave his wife.
So, I think in reality, you need to decide what YOU want. And you need to be realistic and realize that he may never leave his W.
Anon,
I'll probably be in the minority on this, but I don't think it is selfish for someone to live their life with truth and integrity....meaning, if it truly is their AP they love and want to lie with, then that is what they should do and that to me is actually the less selfish choice as it alllows the other parties to live their true life.
That is how i feel with my AP, that we love each other and were he not M with kids we would be together.
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