Not sure how to handle this
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Not sure how to handle this
| Wed, 05-13-2009 - 1:30am |
I'm very new to all of this. I never wanted to start an A. I didn't go looking for it. My DH was away (military)
| Wed, 05-13-2009 - 1:30am |
I'm very new to all of this. I never wanted to start an A. I didn't go looking for it. My DH was away (military)
It sounds to me like you could use some individual counseling. You're obviously a bright and insightful person who feels a bit "deadened" in her marriage, but this statement "I'm pretty sure I need to leave him but the thought of being without him physically hurts me", seems to suggest that you love your husband dearly.
There are so many issues here that I'm not sure what to say without going on forever!
Just remember that what you see of your AP is only the surface. You haven't known him long enough to know all the little details about his personality so it's normal to imagine the best in the small amount that you've seen. The truth is that we all have flaws and problems that we keep hidden in the beginning stages of any R. From my objective viewpoint, he could be using you for sexual comfort and even shelter during a hard time in his life.
And this statement: "I do love my husband and like I said before I didn't go looking for this it just happened". An affair NEVER "just happens". Be a big girl and claim ownership of your choices. There are choices all along the way in an affair. From flirting to talking inappropriately to physical contact and sex, there are choices. In your case you made a lot of those choices "under the influence", but you chose to be "under the influence" in a vulnerable state.
There are still choices. The affair won't "just keep happening" any more than it "just happened".
If I were you I would try to sort out what it is I want from life and from my marriage without the drama and pain of an A. If you decide you want to stay married but fulfill yourself with an A, I would still think hard about this particular guy. Being single, he will probably, eventually want to find another life partner, and if you are in love with him at that point it will only cause you grief.
But it's your life and you are the one who needs to sort out all the possibilities (which is why I think individual counseling would be invaluable for you).
Maybe some marriage counseling could do more for your marriage than you imagine at this point also! It wouldn't hurt to try. Imagine how lovely it would be (for ALL of us here), if we could get what we needed from our H's!
Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.
You've got a lot of choices. I
I have no intentions of trying to have any kind of serious relationship with my AP other then sex. I know he is only interested in sex.
I know it gets hard, but try to hang in there. I am married to someone in the Army, and I understand some of what you are dealing with. I know you said you didn't want anything to do with any orgs that are military related, but that is what you need in all honesty. Our couples are often hit with situations like this because of all the long deployments. I remember telling my husband once that I felt like I was married to a ghost.
It is hard to wrap your mind around having to get visits from your spouse because it seems like we are the OW when it comes to the Army. You are not alone....yet I would like to point something out. I am not saying that the man you are seeing is this way........but you have men who wait for our husbands to go just so they can take advantage of the spouses. Be careful.........
It has nothing to do with him being away. It's how he acts when he's home. It's been 8 years, and 3 deployments. I've never cheated before this. I've gone to counselling on the base before and I don't like the way they do things, thats why I said not military related. I was in the military myself, and I've seen many a friend wait till their husband was away so they could sleep around. I've also come across many of the "I can keep you company while he is gone" types. I've always stayed away from them. I'm being VERY careful about this. I understand your concern though I've seen friends get taken advantage of before...Another thing is I always told myself I wasn't going to be one of "those" military wives and here I am talking about my A. I do have strong feelings towards my AP but I know that it's just the fun and the sex and the feelings aren't going to last. I also don't have a problem keeping those feelings to myself.
A long time ago my H and I told each other that if we were going to cheat we would leave. I kind of feel like I owe it to my H to keep my promise and leave.