Not sure what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Not sure what to do
16
Fri, 11-28-2003 - 4:14pm
I'm new to this board, and in need of some advice or support. I've been happily married for over 4 years now and have never cheated on my husband. I've never even really thought about cheating, aside from normal fantasies here and there. But, I think last night I overstepped the line with a male friend of mine. I've been friends with this guy for about as long as I've been married, I met him at work about 3 months before our wedding. We have had several chances to "hook up," such as back before I was married and we had both just started our job, we were sent back east for training and stayed in the same hotel for 2 weeks. Nothing happened, I was so jazzed about my upcoming wedding that I never would have let anything happen back then.

Over the years we've become better and better friends, but we always joke about how we should have gotten together when we had the chance before I was married. We flirt constantly, and for the last 6 months or so I have found myself fantasizing about him every now and then. He plays on a softball team with my husband, so we see each other at least once a week (we no longer work together, haven't for over 2 years.) We also tend to all go out together every now and then.

Yesterday we had Thanksgiving dinner at a friends house, and everyone got pretty drunk. It got late and everyone was leaving, and my husband wanted to head home too because he didn't feel well. I somehow convinced my husband to let me go to a casino with my guy friend, though I told my husband some of the other girls were going too when I knew it would just be the two of us. I wanted to be alone with him, I wanted him to kiss me and I've wanted it for awhile. Well we did kiss pretty much right away once we were alone, though not anything major, I don't think there was even any tongue involved :-) It was kindof like a friendly thing, except we just kept kissing all night, more than would normally be considered "friendly." Right before he dropped me off at home, I stopped him a block away and told him I'd have to kiss him goodbye then, because I couldn't stand to do it in front of my house. We started to really kiss then, except he stopped and pulled away an inch or two and we were just sitting there breathing on each others lips. He said he couldn't do it because I'm married and and I told him he was right and we had another little peck before he dropped me off.

I thought about it all night, I was so excited and still am. I really enjoyed the night, and I'm not sure what to do with these feelings. I don't think I would ever want to sleep with him or anything, I know waaay too much about him and all of his sexual conquests being such good friends with him all these years. In fact, I don't ever want to do anything beyond kiss him, it's just fun. Can I have a sneaky little secret like that if it never moves beyond tongueless kissing? He seems to think that type of kiss is harmless, and I'm wondering if it really is. What do I do??


Edited 11/29/2003 2:11:52 PM ET by jenw77

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 10:46am
Well, you are on the verge of no turning back.

Keep in mind. You have already cheated on your husband. It will get harder and harder to resist this attraction if you continue. Are you prepared to lose it all? Are you prepared to be dumped by this SG?

Think of the worst scenario and be ready for it.

If your husband is wonderful/beautiful, why are you entertaining this temptation?

It's hard for me to support your affair. Yes, this is a support board but it seems you are just bored and wanted to mess around on the side. Go for it if you can accept the consequences. Think it through.

Your friend may not respect you afterward and if your husband finds out, neither will he.

Is it worth it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 12:41pm
I totally understand what it is like to have a wonderful H and still entertain the temptation of an EMA. I support you. Enjoy your relationship with this guy and enjoy your marriage, too. The hot phone calls will likely heat things up for both of you. My MM and I talked about it for 2 months then went away for the most incredible passionate weekend! I have no regrets.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 2:30pm
Thats the funny thing, I haven't done anything more with OM than those few short closed mouth kisses the other night, but just talking to him and thinking about him makes my sex life with DH so much more interesting!

Last night I text-messaged OM, I actually invited him over to burn CD's today while DH is at work (he's been asking me to make a couple CD's for him, but I need him to let me know which songs to put on them). He messaged back this morning saying he had appointments that he couldn't get out of. THANK GOODNESS because when I woke up this morning I thought to myself "there is no way I can bring him into OUR house with the intentions that I have!" Even if nothing happened, which is actually possible, that's just weird to me. I think he may be trying to do the right thing, which I am kinda glad for. I'm sure if we happened to be alone again like the other night, and had a few drinks in us, we'd have no problem kissing or making out. To actually plan it out is a different thing, I don't really think that will happen anytime soon. I sometimes wish we could just meet up only for a kiss or two, but then I do get afraid that one (or both) of us will want to take it further than that and I absolutely don't want that to happen (in my fantasies it can though!)

I'm going to try to keep it to the phone calls for now, then he'll be away for 2 weeks for Christmas and right when he's due back I'm leaving for 3 weeks for work. I have a feeling that while we're distanced from each other, I'll be able to clear my head and decide where I really want to go with this. I do have to see him tomorrow night at softball though! At least DH will be there so I don't have to worry too much :-)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 3:24pm
Oh girl.....you and I are so much alike. The first time I had OM in my house I couldn't help but feel terrible that I had brought him here. This is my place with DH and it was so weird at first. But after about an hour or so of just sitting on the couch and chatting, it just felt so right to have him here. It was the first time we kissed and it was so weird to be kissing in my kitchen. It led to more (of course) but I kept myself from taking it TOO far. I felt guilty for days afterwards, but the love we have for each other is just to strong to ignore. Luckily for me H's job takes him out of town for days and weeks at a time so it is safe to have OM over to hang out. We were friends first and foremost so even if his car is outside H and the neighbors are not suspicious. But anyways I know EXACTLY how you feel.....so nice to have someone to relate to. If you ever need or just want to chat about anything email me, ok?

lovinmymen2003@yahoo.com

*hugs*

~L~
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 12:49pm
It's been a little while since I've posted, not a lot has gone on. I still haven't moved any further with the SM, but we've talked on the phone a lot more often over the last few weeks. Some of these phone calls have gotten pretty spicy, but then we just laugh as if we're joking about it all, there is some extreme sexual tension here, at least for me:-) I've been seeing him every week as usual as DH and him play on a softball team together, and the flirting has picked up a little, which is kinda fun.

Last night we all went to the neighborhood dive bar after the game, there were about 10 of us and no one else in the bar. Everyone was pretty drunk, DH was there of course and SM brought along a girl, but he and I kept dancing together and goofing around like we were the only ones there, it was fun. A few times while sitting next to each other at the bar, he ran his hand up my thigh really quick when nobody was looking. I think I patted him on the rear a few times too, it was just too funny. Here we are, I'm married and he has a date on the other side of him and we're sneaking in groping action whenever we get a chance like little school kids. He is just so much fun to be around, we're a lot alike as far as our personalities and our love for a good time. He loves music and dancing, as do I, and that is something my DH isn't really as interested in (the whole dancing thing).

I don't know what's going to happen, if anything at all. We are all spending New Years together, not sure how I fanagled that, but it'll be SM and his 2 guy friends and me and DH in a VIP room at a club downtown. Yippee, me and 4 hot men in one room :-) Anyway, SM was saying the other day how it's okay for random people to kiss each other on New Years, so maybe we can sneak away and finally get a real kiss in! If not, it looks like he may be among the people sharing our hotel room with us afterwards, now that could be interesting :-) Sorry for the long post again, this is like a diary for me as I can't keep a written one around or DH would find it! Thanks to all who are listening!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 1:02pm
hey jen -- enjoy your time with your SM, but be a little more careful in social situations. when two people are attracted to each other as you both obviously are AND alcohol is involved, the touching escalates (as you well know!) and the pointed looks, winks, etc. become way more obvious to others. i'm frequently in social situations with my MM and for the first two years we were oblivious to other people around us when we were at bars, parties, whatever, exchanging looks, winks, raised eyebrows, groping each other under tables and even kisses in dark corners, but people started to notice our constant proximity to each other all the time, especially my long-term BF and the suspicions started to pour out!

just be careful when you two are together because sooner or later one of you will take the brakes off and that little bit of kissing will lead to lots more interaction! it's only a matter of time girl.

take care,

gurl

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