Not sure where AP is going with his q's

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2009
Not sure where AP is going with his q's
9
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 10:34pm

Hi everyone-

I'm new here. Just a little background--AP and I have been together for about 6 weeks now. We're both M with kids, and not wanting to change our individual situations. My H travels quite a bit. He has made some references about his W and their sex life, or lack thereof. And quite honestly, given what happens when we're together, I kind of believe the "lack thereof" part, lol.

We saw each other last night and he asked me when H was going away, and then he said "well, at least you have 2 nights to take care of things". Now, he has skirted around my life with my H before. I try not to talk about my M or the unhappiness in it as I want my time with him to be happy, an escape if you will. So I said to him, "why are you so interested if my H gets some or not" and he said that they were both men and that they have to "take care of each other" and that his wife doesn't take care of him, so he just wants to make sure that some wives take care of their husbands.

I don't know though....I get the feeling that he's looking to see how involved my M is, but can't bring himself to ask me.

He is a really sweet guy and has mentioned that he's not looking for just sex, but that he wants someone to talk intelligently with, and we certainly do that--ALOT. He has also told me that he's been looking for an "emotional friend with benefits" as his marriage has become "mechanical". I feel that he's being sincere when he tells me these things, but I'm just a little confused about his interest in my sex life with H.

Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2007
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 10:55pm
i think he is jealous.....he is...especially that he is not only looking for sex, it might be bugging him that your H gets sex as well as everything else. PLUS, men interpret emotional connection with sex as well....so, i guess
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2009
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 11:03pm

That was my first impression too--the jealousy. Hmmmm. Well, I guess I get jealous too, I mean really, he sleeps with his wife every night, I'm alone 4-5 nights/week. He's got alot more opportunity than I do.

I want to talk to him about it and yet I don't. It's so early in the R, I'm a little hesitant. Plus I'm afraid that we'll delve into my M deeper and I don't want to do that yet.

I have to say that I'm surprised at my depth of emotion for this guy. I've never had sparks fly on an initial meeting like they did with him...

THX

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2007
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 11:40pm

in my past A, my AP once dropped me off at the hotel where my H was staying for work, because my H had a work function, I met with my AP prior to that and just showed at the hotel after the function. He asked me after "did you go to the hotel and had sex with him?" Our relationship was only physical, but my AP did have hard time with me getting married. And let me tell you something: i think that APs want to hear that we are not happy, we are miserable, we get no sex and all that. Once I was talking to my AP on the phone while my H went to pump up my car with gas and when i mentionned that to my AP, he was very suprised and i caught that note of jealousy, he asked me why i could not do it myself. I guess, he saw it as a very caring act, and was upset that my H was taking care of me and making me happy. Remember: people are much more comfortable with others suffering than being happy....unfortunately....


MY mistake was i let my AP know that i was not happy in my M and would like to end it, he now thinks that he is the best thing that have ever happened to me and that

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2009
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 4:07pm

" i think that APs want to hear that we are not happy, we are miserable, we get no sex and all that."

I agree with you on this one, my AP seems to want to hear this, and even though it's true, I tend to stay away from talking about my M, at least for now. Once I start talking, I know I won't stop...and there's ALOT to say about it, lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 10:43pm
Hmm, yeah...my AP has admitted on more than one occasion that he is jealous of H. He said that HE'S the one that should be taking care of me and sleeping with me every night...it's his arm that I should be on when I go out....I just smile and sarcastically remind him how he had that chance more than once and he blew it. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2008
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 4:43am
I wouldn't tell AP anything. Let him wonder. Like someone else said once he learns that he puts the bounce in your step he is going to get a little heady on you. I let my xAP know that he was my first love, and Oh I love you so much, you're the only man for me, blah, blah, blah. I'm paying for it now. He knows that he is the be all, end all of my world, and that gives him a power over me that I'm not comfortable w/. Besides men like a little mystery in a woman. Keep him guessing, you'll be better off in the long run.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2009
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 6:59am

A little mystery sounds good to me--I don't want him getting all cocky, that's for sure...

He actually made another comment in an email yesterday about how he hasn't gotten me to the big O yet and that he feels bad and he's gotta live up to it or else I'd continue my search for someone who would. I just didn't address that comment in my reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 12:04pm
my AP always takes me to the big O but i don't let him know all the time..he doesn't need to know.....also he knows i love him very much he can probably tell he's my all in all but, i've never said it...he does get his insecure moments with me..but GOOD it can stay that way...justice is right..let em sweat a little....

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2009
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 6:02pm

I'm sure he'll figure out how to get me there--he's got something to work towards, lol

I think I will let him sweat it out...I don't want him to know how he's making me feel emotionally...I have enough problems with my H thinking he's the center of my universe.