A note for people leaving marriages!
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 05-04-2004 - 11:31am |
a) it helps putting things into perspective without another person clouding your judgment.. what if you loved the OW/OM just because you had problems in your own M and that OW/OM is not really the right person for you
b) there are quite a few people here who got married early and didn't really enjoy a single life and then got burdened with kids, busy lives, taking care of "taker" spouses so why not go out, enjoy the field, date (you don't really need to have sex to enjoy a date), do some of the things that you always wanted to do in your life and never got the time to do it, etc
c) as they say "If you love someone, set them free ", if you and OW/OM are really meant to be, you will come back together...just like that Jack Nicholson movie with Diane Keaton....he fell in love but kept dating and eventually they end up back together and since he dated other people he knew for sure that this was the woman he wanted....I know most of the people here would assume that the OW/OM are their soul mate but what if they are not...then you have another failed R at your hands…I know for most people the impulse is to tie the knot when you find the person you want…but I think if you date more people after that it kind of solidifies your conviction that this person is definitely for you and years later when you look back in retrospect you could always trust your decision and not just think that you jumped into this person’s lap when you divorced your spouse..
d) for women here who are getting divorced...have kids…are waiting for MMs… first of all you don't have any biological clock ticking...you had kids…done with them...so this second phase of dating should be better than the first where one had the need to get married early because of the biological clock...so why not go out and enjoy dating because now there is no hurry to settle down early...
I know at least I would definitely enjoy time alone if I and H ever split our ways before jumping into another R even if I had one guy totally in love with me and available or not available…Anyway, a few rambling thoughts.
PG

Pages
I empathize with you. Having the biological clock ticking and having to wait for MM to make a decision. I would certainly think that you need to date other people. I would say the resentment issue would be tied to having sex but if you are not having sex, it should interfere with your current situation. But lets says that you do get to meet an available person whom you click with and want to be intimate with, well in that case you got your answer. You and MM are not meant to be.
PG
I think the way you describe getting to know someone is a wonderful thing. Too often in our society we focus on physical things and not what really matters. That said, physical compatibility is also important as I'm sure you're aware. I think the best scenario would be to get to know someone as a friend and then progress to a more serious relationship. But alone time is certainly something that is required at some point.
As for what I disagree with, well let's just say that although you specifically pointed out you didn't intend your comment to be about me, just the fact that you mentioned me leads me to believe there is at least some reference to me in there. So I wanted to address that point. You said you've had that scenario "played out with you on chat". Well IS and I may have met online, but I didn't tell her I loved her until we had spent hours talking on the phone and both of us started to fall for one another. And we have met one another in person several times now, so I don't think there is any parallel between whatever people you may have chatted with and myself. I understand you might have trust issues with someone you met in the way that IS and I did. But keep in mind that you don't know me and you don't know IS. Our relationship is beyond something I could describe on a message board and frankly, I doubt I'd even try. All I can tell you is that she does trust me and she should. I've been nothing but up front with her about everything and I've given her no reason to not trust me. I'm still not sure why you seem so intent on the idea that if someone breaks up with you and then comes back, somehow their feelings are more believable, but trust me when I say that is not something IS or I worry about.
I agree with you about getting to know other people. I *love* getting to know other people. When I meet someone interesting, I just like to sit down and ask questions and hear what they have to share. There really are a lot of interesting people out there. Lots of people who suck too. But what can you do? Being a jackass isn't illegal...
I see your point. I suppose that's part of where my W and I had problems. I am perfectly willing to get to know someone without sleeping with them. I don't necessarily see that as dating since I'm not weighing them as a candidate to be my mate. I just consider that spending time with and getting to know someone interesting. Dating, for my money, is if I'm on an outing with someone whom I have at least a slight attraction to, physically, emotionally or intellectually and I'm wanting to investigate. Semantic difference from your definition, I know. But there it is.
Your comments about getting involved with people on the way out of something and trusting it... I think you're right, it's hard to trust that sort of thing. Strong emotions breed strong emotions in the situations you descibe. Can't argue that. I see your point.
As for me being Catholic (or recovering Catholic)... nope. I just have enough friends that are Catholic I can participate in most "surface level" Catholic discussions. I haven't actually "converted" to Buddhism... I'm sort of reading it all and taking it all in. The Koran sits on my shelf beside the Bhagavad Gita, The Tao Te Ching, and the Bible (with a nice selection of lost gospels, writings by the Dalai Lama, etc.) I'm a mess, I know. But I'm okay with it.
rain
(ps... if you'd be willing to chat more about the Islamic faith in private email, let me know and I'll send you an address; I always have questions and currently do not count any practicing Muslims amongst my confidants.)
You are an interesting person to be studying all these different religious books. Sorry about the assumption about you being Catholic...you once mentioned a Catholic friend and I just thought you were too. Again I agree "dating" is a wrong word to use for just getting to knowing people of other sex without any romance or sex implied.
Fire away questions if you have any. I will try to proselytize and see if I can convert you (pun intended in that remark but then who knows).
PG
I didn't want to get beaten by you and that’s why said its not you I was implying. Also, I am not talking about breaking a committed relationship where people are already living together...I am more or less referring to where people who haven't really moved in with their lovers and still contemplating leaving their spouses, there’s definitely a confusion factor there....and to women who are out on their own after leaving their husbands and just waiting for MMs...
PG
What if he/she *is* the one? Why waste the time apart?
I am divorced, and while I'm not "waiting" for MM to leave, I'm not dating either. I simply don't want to, can't imagine it - I am a red-blooded woman, lol, and can find other men attractive, though I'm not attracted *to* them.
I know MM is staying in M, but (big but) if that should change, and if he asked, I'd say yes to M, and I don't know that I'd want to wait. Of course, everyone's situation is different...I knew I was getting D'd when the A began and so did he, there's no question of my getting a D because of wanting to be with him.
MM saw me through the ugly times of seperation and divorce, and still sees me at my weak times ...again he and I both know those ugly times have nothing to do with him. By believing in me, and being empathetic and not sympathetic - by not taking on my problems as his - by being suggestive and supportive - he makes me feel stronger in dealing with the uglies and in making decisions myself (even when they are wrong, and bless him he doesn't say "I told you so", lol). I would do the same for/with him.
There's all the light and dark in any situation swirling about each of us...we each have the power to lean into the light and shrug off the darkness. It's more breath-taking leaning into the light with someone! And, even if we started leaning in different directions, I know the shadows wouldn't be forever and that I'd always treasure what time we'd had. I've always said that it's the man I love, and not the situation.
I do understand what you are saying, and it may not be wise to D and jump into another relationship straight away...it all depends on the persons involved and where they are along their path.
I wish for you, PG, that your path is well-lit!
Meow
Pages