Now I'm having an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Now I'm having an affair
5
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 1:46pm
deleted


Edited 1/1/2009 6:14 am ET by complexity2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 2:23pm
Well, one thing I can say is that there is pretty much no way you have a "perfect" relationship with your SO if you're sneaking around behind his back. Perfect, by it's definition, means that it can't get any better than that. The fact that this is not the first extracurricular activity you've had, even though you didn't have sex with the other one, tells me that there are issues there. My advice? You obviously aren't ready to be engaged to someone. And that's ok. You're just clearly not ready. So, if I were you, I'd stop thinking of yourself and think of your SO, quit stringing him along thinking you're a faithful woman he is going to marry. End the engagement. See other people. Then decide where you want your future to lead. It's only fair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Mon, 12-01-2008 - 1:38pm
deleted


Edited 1/1/2009 6:14 am ET by complexity2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Mon, 12-01-2008 - 3:14pm

Complexity,


Hi.


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Have you considered that perhaps you are just not cut out for monogamy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Tue, 12-02-2008 - 8:12pm

I have used this analogy a couple times here on MAS, but I think it once again applies.

I use to be just like you. Every time that someone showed interest in me it validate my self worth. If they wanted to sleep w/ me it made me feel special, like I must be an ok person, because this guy wants to be w/ me. But the validation never lasts. It always wore off, and once again I was searching for someone to make me feel worthy.

I use the analogy of a bucket w/ a crack in the bottom. You can pour water in it, and it will stay for a little while, but eventually the water leaks out the bottom, and you have to replace it. It's an endless cycle. I call them leaky people. It sounds like you must be experiencing something similar to that. I think that the only remedy to what ales you is counseling. You have to learn how to validate yourself, and stop relying on others to do it for you. I just hope that you can resolve this issue BEFORE your boyfriend finds out about AP.

I can totally identify w/ the fact that you feel like you are older now, and don't want to keep making bad choices. I am 36 yrs. old, and I feel like I have NO time left to be making major bad choices. I think that my age was a major factor in leaving my AP, which BTW was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I am not a spring chicken anymore, and guys my age want girls in their twenties, but fortunately I am attracted to older men, and those in their 50's want girls roughly around our age. I think they know that a girl in her twenties might kill them, I know I would have LOL.

If I were you I would seriously consider removing AP from the equation. You say that you have a great relationship, AND great sex. I think that's the first time I have heard a woman on here say that she has both w/ their SO. You are blessed. Don't screw it up, and it's very likely that you will if you continue to burn the candle at both ends.

I don't know if what I have said helps you, but I really hope that you can get some counseling to help you w/ your self esteem issues. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Wed, 12-03-2008 - 8:53am
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Edited 1/1/2009 6:15 am ET by complexity2000