Now money questions

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Now money questions
43
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 2:16am

Oh Jesus, I don't know why I"m complicating my life with this, but here goes....

So we went to Miami 3 months ago. The point was just to be together, his pretext was the he was going to see friends he hasn't seen in years and we stayed at his house. Basically spent time with them. OK, I paid for my ticket and some other travel related expenses, which is fine. 

Now, he wants to go to San Diego for a conference. He told me to book for 3-4 days (incomplete 3-4 days, they include the travel which is at least 9 hours). He only registered for 1 day and the rest is supposed to be for us. I'm fine with paying for my plane ticket, but somehow I assumed that he'll pay the hotel, since he would still stay there without me, but he said that we should split it 50%-50% since he doesn't have money. 

 

Ok, he has 4 kids, but his W works (doesn't make very much but still) and all Canadians receive money from the gouv for the kids. And he always receives projects and sometimes tells me how much money he would make from this or that project. Yet, he still says that he doesn't have much money and well, maybe....

I was a full time student and have been living on my savings since March. He knows that I have savings and maybe he thinks that they are substantial, I don't know. And my ex is 3 month late with child support. He knows that...

So, I was going to tell him about the hotel, that he should pay for the day that he would stay there during the conference and I'll split the extra days, but didn't have time.

Later at night, he tells me that we def. should stay 4 days, because on day 3, there will be a party and we should go. But that "we""ll have to pay extra for this, i.e. he's expecting me to contribute for the party. I say that it's starting to get too much and he says, don't exagerate baby, it won't be much and that he MIGHT pay for me. I answer something, but no reply from him about that.

Later, he tells me that he found a hotel and that he's going to book it right now. I didn't expect it to be so fast, so ask him to wait so we can talk. It was late and I asked to talk next week, since he's busy with work and specifically told me that he didn't want to argue this weekend. He's asking me what I want to talk about. I say that by text, it's too long for me to type, lets wait. That I have certain circumstances (i.e. I'll have to pay for my son's babysitter in addition to everything, etc.) that make it more difficult. I didn't have time to tell him anything, I really wanted to discuss and see if there's a solution, but he seemed impatient to know at that moment. When I repeated that we should talk during a better moment, he says that he's going to book ithe hotel for him, since it's clear that I don't want to go, that I only want to tell him that and that he knows that it's because I don't have money ,he understands and there's nothing to discuss. Then he says good night and dissapears, so it's obvious that he's annoyed.

I have to say that I don't really care about SD. For me, it would only be to be able to spend a couple of days AND nights with him, but basically this expense comes because he's married, otherwise, we would simply be together normally. So I obviously expected him to contribute more.

In the beginning, he paid for everything himself. He told me that that's the way it is in Cuba and I have to get used to it. But then, 2 of the 4 kids lived in Cuba and he had less expenses. And it was the courtship period. Lately, not only we rarely go anywhere (which is understandable), but I pay half and actually, even invited him twice.

I'm really annoyed right now. It's super late and I can't sleep.

Is he being cheap ? Am I being cheap ? Is this just some communication problem ?

Du to the nature of our relationship, I attribute everything to him taking me for granted. But maybe I have this wrong idea that given that he's married, he should be lucky that I tolerate him and make more efforts ? 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 4:05am

First he accepts $5 petrol money from you as a single mum to come to see you, now he is expecting you to pay to for the accommodation for HIS conference? You're kidding right?

How many times has he spent time at your place, and i am sure he would have had a beverage or a meal throughout those times, and here is his opportunity to take you away (to HIS conference btw) and he is going to make YOU pay for the hotel? Yes he has his predicament, 4 kids, but so do you as a student SINGLE mum doing it all on her own. Where is his compassion and understanding beyond what works for him? Has he ever asked you how you are managing financially?

 

sireanita wrote:

 I'm fine with paying for my plane ticket, but somehow I assumed that he'll pay the hotel, since he would still stay there without me, but he said that we should split it 50%-50% since he doesn't have money. 


If he doesn't have money then he shouldn't be planning to stay an extra 3 days or go to that party.

I'm sorry Sireanita, but these past posts wave red flags to me. Your AP is self centered and not thinking about your situation at all. Also, if he is struggling financially now, what do you think is going to happen when he leaves?

sireanita wrote:

When I repeated that we should talk during a better moment, he says that he's going to book ithe hotel for him, since it's clear that I don't want to go, that I only want to tell him that and that he knows that it's because I don't have money ,he understands and there's nothing to discuss. Then he says good night and dissapears, so it's obvious that he's annoyed.

Do you not recognise this as manipulative behaviour?

I earn double my AP earns, he is cheap in other areas of his life, but when he comes to me, no cost is spared. To me it's not about money, it's about the principal.

My honest advice: Other than your daily travel expenses, don't  you dare pay for a thing! And no you don't have to tolerate any of this, you are doing him a HUGE favour putting your life on hold for no guarantees.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 8:25am
Sireanita, I rewrote my initial response :smileyhappy:
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 8:49am

No i don't think a man should be paying, but i think it should be fair. Like i said earlier he has spent a lot of time at your place, eating, showering, sleeping and using your utilities and here's an opportunity for him to take you away, and he's going to ask you to pay for the accommodation? He should cover the entire stay, it's only $100 in the whole grand scheme of things. I'm not saying that you are poor, but its the gesture and understanding,  and he is very informed that you are not working at the moment, you have a dependent, and you are living off savings.

"nobody would love you more than I do"

With regard to this comment, it doesn't sound endearing to me it's more manipulation in my eyes, my ex would say that often  because he was so insecure about me leaving him. That comment speaks of your AP's insecurities, his fear of you leaving him, and doesn't reflect any true feelings and concern felt  for you, that statement is all about him. I wouldn't say that translates to true love, think about it, have you ever made a statement as such  to anyone? And really who is he to speak on behalf of all other men, what does he know what they have to offer you? I'm sure they wouldn't ask for $5 petrol money to cover his fuel expense for seeing you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 10:03am
I disagree with you Logan, and your taking her showing texts to his W out of context. Sireanita never signed up to have an affair, and AP is making promises that he will be leaving, so she has every right to want to see proof of his genuiness in order to invest herself in this relationship. I don't see her begging and whining, she has been very clear to AP that she will be on the dating scene if he does nothing about it in the not to distant future. And so there a rules in Affairland about approaching the married person's spouse? So I guess carrot danglers should be protected?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 10:43am

Surely I can disagree with u can't I? Where does it say in my previous post that you cant share your opinion? Now you mention that you often tell your AP that you will be leaving your W, is that truth? Or fiction to keep her pacified? I know you're not fond of whining.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 10:50am

My feeling would be that he should pay for the airline ticket as well as the hotel and maybe then you'd pay for some dinners out or entertainment or something.  Seriously--he knows you're a single mom who isn't working so where does he think that you'd be getting the money for a big trip?  We're not talking about going to a little inn in your area or driving a couple of hours away.  The reason for going to San Diego is that he has a conference--it's not like both of you talked and said "Hey, I've always wanted to see San Diego--let's go on a vacation there" like it was a mutual decision.  And don't forget this-the reaon that you have to find somewhere to go and sneak around is that HE HASN'T LEFT HIS WIFE LIKE HE PROMISED TO DO.  See?  It's one thing when people get into affairs and they both know that this is the situaiton and the married person (or both if they are both married) say at the beginning that they aren't going to leave their spouses, it's just going to be an affair and that's what the other person signs up for--then they can't complain about the lack of time and having to be discreet because they know they agreed to that.  But your guy keeps telling you he's going to leave his wife, he loves you, just give him time, but of course has no actual plan or time period--you'r just supposed to trust him & keep hanging around ( probably until you're old and gray) so now instead of being able to take you out & have fun like you used to when his DW was in Cuba, now reality sets in & you can't go out together and basically, if I read the situation right, he comes to your house several times during the week, basically for sex, doesn't take you any where and is now complaining about the price of gas and wants you to pay for your half of the trip and now he's going to act all pouty because you can't afford it.  If I were you I would have made it clear that you have limited funds and you just can't afford to go on a vacation right now so if he wants you to go, then he'll have to pay.  I'm sorry to say it, but if he wanted to be with you so much, I think he'd pay.  And as someone else mentioned, if he does get divorced, then he's going to have to pay child support for the current DW's child, support his other kids, who knows what else, so if you do graduated & get a good job, are you prepared to be supporting him in the future or paying more than 1/2 the expenses, cause that's what it looks like?

I have a friend who met this guy who lived in Calif--and she lived on the East Coast.  He was some well known person in martial arts so he'd go around the country giving demonstrations or teaching so they started a relationship.  They met through her exH so for some reason he wanted to keep their relationship a secret, which was kind of ridiculous since she was divorced--but at the time they met he had a live-in GF.  So she'd go here & there to meet him, always paying for her own plane ticket and even though the people who invited him would be paying for his hotel, or he'd be paying as a business expense, I think most of the time she'd have to get her own hotel room and pay for that because he didn't want the other people to know what was going on.  So he'd teach these seminars, probably have dinner with the other people and she'd be hanging around the hotel and maybe late at night they'd get together for sex--it seemed to me like he was basically treating her as one step up from a hooker, or maybe not even that since at least the hookers get paid, but she was paying.  So eventually they broke up--when he dumped the GF and married someone else!  Eventually they got divorced too--but do you know he still calls my friend?  She doesn't want anything to do with him now, but a few years after they split up he wanted her to go on vacation with him--she said fine, but you have to pay for everything, which he did and they did have a nice time for once as he wasn't working -- it was just a vacation.  But she really learned from that experience that if you want to be treated a certain way, you have to speak up & tell people what you want.  She put up with all this stuff for a couple of years  and I think the guy was well off.  She should have said from the beginning that if he wanted her to come to visit him, he should pay for her ticket & get her a hotel and she was not going to be treated like a secret.  I think it's time for you to stand up to your guy--if he wants to be with you, then you need certain things.  And also, you  have to stop pining away for him on weekends--you need to have a life.  Right now, you're only a part of his life but he seems to be the center of  yours.  Oh I know you have school & your son but emotionally your life is revolving around him.  What's that phrase?  Don't make someone your priority if you are their---why can't I remember that word?  I just think you have to start extricating yourself emotionally from this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 10:55am

I wonder why people believe that their spouse can take their kids from them if they get divorced--unless the parent abuses the kids, the parent will have a visitation right.  And honestly courts hardly care any more if someone is getting divorced because they had an affair (I'm a divorce lawer).   People come to me and say "well my DH had an affair--does that mean I can get more money?"  Generally no, but I'm in a no-fault state.  But no judge is going to say well you had an afffair, now you can't see your kids--but your (ex)W could say things to the kids to alientate them from you==I do see that happen someotimes (not with my clients, but on these boards).  I just think it's wrong to tell the spouse because why hurt an innocent person? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2012
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 10:57am
BTW this is a support board and not a message board, I'm here to support my fellow MAS'er, I have followed Sireanita's story from day one, and have offered support since then, I'm not on this board to offer solutions into how she can 'recapture her AP's full interest'. His well being does not interest me, hers does.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 11:08am
Logan - the risk of any AP blowing the lid is also a part of A land. People get emotional. Esp when the AP has claimed they are planning to leave but at the end of the day never will. They've essentially taken a significant part of someone elses life away because they wanted it all. That doesnt mean it is right to blow the lid and involve a bunch of people. Nothing good ever comes out of that. And getting into an A you could always say we should know better. But that is cr@p. No one deserves to be treated like that. Sireanita is totally honest on this board with what she is thinking. I think she works out a lot of her emotions here. She says and admits to things that i dont have the guts to. She is not whiney. I think she is holding AP accountable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2012
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 11:14am
Saying your DW would take the kids away IS just an excuse to never make a move. Either it is that or you are very uninformed or you engage in other behaviors that would make it possible (illegal drugs, abuse, etc). Now i will say that if DW found out about the A she could make life for you and your kids basically a living hell.

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