Now really not sure

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Now really not sure
10
Sat, 07-21-2012 - 11:00am

I posted a couple months ago that my AP was separated and I wasn't sure that I wanted to be with him now. I am still M but I was thinking that I would be leaving my M. AP and I have been on and off again mainly because I had a dd and I decided not to leave my M at that time so we took a break and then got back together, only to break up again. For last year we have more friends than anything but we are in daily contact. But when he separated we talked and he said he didn't want to go back into a relationship with me. I understood because I was still M and if I was in his shoes I would do the same thing. My problem is my feelings. I thought I didn't want him but I do. I guess my question is, why is he in daily contact with me if we are just going to remain friends. This has been real hard for me because I want to be more than friends but I can't bear to cut him out of my life or leave my M yet. I know it's crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 10:19am
Update-

So we had been keeping in contact daily and basically just a friendship when out if the blue he asked me to come over for sex. I take this as my moment to tell him why in the world would he ask me that. After all he told me that he did not want to be in a relationship right now and I knew he was seeing other people and that I sincerely cared about him and was not willing to be a fwb or fallback or fill-in for him. He basically clams up and says he thought our relationship was different. Different than than what? An escort service? This happened last week. And the first day I felt so goo that I stood up to him and didn't allow myself to be used. I know I did the right thing and since then we have talked a little but he basically is not giving me any feedback. So I don't know if he doesn't care or what. And now I feel a mixture of anger and sadness because I really did fall for him and I know I shouldn't have but it happened . I always felt our relationship was real and he really does care about me but maybe I'm just a fool.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Re: Now really not sure
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 6:01pm

I don't know your whole situation & hope you won't mind my asking this, but are you waiting for AP to commit before you'd leave your M?  I'm not sure how you could really give him an ultimatum then.

I think sunny makes some good points.  I'm not sure I agree that he's taking you for granted or having you as a fall back girl, though.  If you've had a strong emotional connection, it could simply be he values your friendship.  What is the context of your R with him now?  Is it only as a friend or are either of you continuing to talk about more than that?  Do you feel he's in limbo about working to get back together with his W?  Sorry for all the questions! :smileywink:

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 6:33pm

Ok, I'm 1/2 asleep & posted my last reply before seeing your last post.  First of all, you are NOT a fool.  You said no & stood up for yourself despite your feelings for him & wanting to be with him.  Give yourself a LOT of credit for that!!!

My experience is different than sunny's in that I've always seen men rush into a new R faster than women, mainly for sex & comfort.  He's totally out of his element being alone, and you are familiar/comfortable.  Hopefully the reason he's not giving you much feedback is because he's embarrassed, is feeling a bit dumb & regrets it.  Time will tell.  In the meantime, you have to do your best not to take it to heart.  You will have to decide based on what you know of him if he's worth the benefit of the doubt.  Have you been able to talk through any of it or does he avoid the subject?

I am just SO proud of you that you didn't do it.  I hope I can be that strong when xAP comes back around. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 7:13pm
Thanks for the support I really need it. First of all we were in A for 2 years. Then we got found out by my H and we went NC for 3 months . We used to work together but he took what he thought would be a better job and when the recession hit he lost his job and was out of work for almost four years during that time we kept in touch mainly as friends but last summer it became sexual again. Not regular because we don't run in the same social circles but last summer he got a job and we began being in contact daily again. In nov of last year he said he was unhappy but staying with the wife. But by feb she left him I supported him while he lost his house moved into an apt and basically started over we where intimate one more time before he told me he wasnt ready for a relationship yet. I said ok I understand an we remained in daily contact as friends. Yes he told me about others he went out with and called himself being honest with me. I think he does care but so much is going on with him it was a misstep but one I couldn't afford to let him make on my expense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 7:32pm

No, and you did the right thing.  I had to reply & tell you that I got a txt from xAP a few minutes ago.  When I talked to him yesterday, I had asked for the name & price of the lady he goes to for massage.  Well, his txt said if I hadn't made an appt yet, he could do it a lot cheaper.  I know he didn't mean any harm by it & would certainly not want me to feel that's all he thinks of me.  Maybe they just want to hear "oh yes baby let's do it"!  lol  So please, don't dwell on thinking he doesn't care about you... I guess it falls on us to keep these boys in line!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 9:08pm
You know I guess so. He has not said too much of anything to me this week. I could tell he was still upset even though he said he wasn't . I think that he just looks at it (sex) as supporting him and keeping him happy but not looked at my side of it. I'm sure that is part of his problem in general. He backs away from conflict so when I calm down a little we will talk about it. We always do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 8:31pm

or hopefully he will give me that chance to talk about it, you would think after 5 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 8:05am
2nd update
Well he finally said something not an explaination just that he wasn't upstart anymore. I guess it's over for good we have only spoken yesterday when I told him it was not my intend for us to end up not on speaking terms. I didn't take anything I said back because I meant what I said. And obviously he wants to carry on and I must not be that important anymore. On the one Hand I feel like I shoul be glad. But on the other I feel a little lonely with him to look forward to everyday.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Mon, 10-08-2012 - 2:53pm

Believe it or not. I am still not really sure about this. Yes for about a week we did'nt talk. He really got mad at me because I would not give in and he kept  making comments about it, so finally I just told him that my feelings for him never changed even after we broke up and that I didnt want to just sleep with him with no strings. He told me that he understood. But he never told me how he felt. In the meantime he told me that he had filed for divorce. We still talk everyday as friends. And maybe that is all we will be I'm not sure, I still hold some hope we will have more but it is up in the air.