Now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Now what?
12
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 1:37pm
Well I had left this board because my H had found out about the A. That was last month. On January 1st MM had the worst argument he had ever had with his W and left the house that night and called me and we spent the night together, something that we had planned before and never happened. He was very upset and said that he was mostly thinking about his daughter. On that night we had sex but I asked him during if he was ok to do it and he said yes but then stopped by making an excuse that I was tired. I really didnt think that after what he had gone through that it was ok for us to have sex, I don't know. Well after that he was depressed, but still asking me how my situation has been going and what I am going to do. We have been spending alot of time together that we could never do before. He moved into another room in his house and he says that he is going to get a divorce after taxes and doesnt know what to do about the house. I had asked him after this happened if he would like to give me a chance if things didnt work out with her and he said yes. They have an agreement that he and her don't have to ask each other where the other has been or tell where they are going. Basically, he says, he is living there for room and board until he finds something. I already left my house. We both keep saying to each other that one or the other is going to go back to W/H and we both say no. We have not had any physical contact since that night and he said that there should be no sex for now to be on the safe side, whatever that means, but he does talk about it and wants to. I am just content with spending time with him, but not knowing what comes next is killing me.

Sally

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 1:45pm
Wow, Sally, I remember you. I wondered what happened. I would take it very slow and continue to talk things through. If you two decide to give it a shot, I don't know, I think it would be best to go your separate ways until the dust settles. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. What do you think? Just take it very SLOW.

Again, WOW!

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 1:51pm
You are right charlotte and that is exactly what we are doing, but I am very emotional now because I have this sinking feeling that I have lost both of them. I know dumb thoughts.

Sally

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 2:08pm
whoa, sally, that's some development! what a way to start 2004!!

i don't know about you, sally, but i couldn't comfort my MM without sex! oh we would talk and hold each other, etc. but our intimacy level deepens so much with skin-to-skin contact. and it reaffirms our feelings toward each other.

so i'm confused by your MM's reluctance to have sex "for now".... does sexual contact with you confuse him because he would fall further into you or is MM just confused about life in general??

if both of you want to be together in the future, you have to do the work now to get out of bad marriages, live on your own and "date" to see if you can build a real R, not one based on secret, clandestine meetings and deceit. and give the R time to heal and grow. and yourselves too. there are some hard decisions to be made here. and i hope you and MM have good communication so there's none of that "does he want me" "is she going back to H" stuff. talk, talk, talk to each other on every issue, no matter how difficult or ugly. and hug each other alot too!

good luck,

gurl

Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 2:13pm
Gurl, Why do I pay a therapist 120 an hour when we have you? NMR :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 2:15pm
Listen to the wise gurl...and Sally, they are not dumb thoughts. When things like this happen, it's normal to feel like your entire world is going to crumble. But it won't, I promise. No matter what the outcome you'll get through.


Hang in there,

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 2:31pm
nmr, now i just don't know why! just provide my counseling services free of charge to my girlfriends (and a couple of guy friends too!). ;-)))))

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 2:33pm
sally, okay, listen to me AND to charlotte! whatever happens with you and MM, you are still a strong woman (GODDESS!) and capable of being the best you can be (and i'm not talking about the marines either!). just hang in there and keep moving forward!!!!


gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 2:44pm
MM is very playful and he puts his arm around me now and pretends to give a massage. He does now want to have sex he talked about it this morning after work. I think we are both afraid to push each other away. We both can see that we want to at least hug each other, but on my part I don't want him to feel uncomfortable and that I am crossing the line while he is going through this. Of course I am going through it too so he is reluctant also. This sucks! We have had the problem before of not wanting to push the other away with too much attention or affection and we both agreed that it was stupid, but this is a different situation. I just don't understand why he keeps telling me "youll never know you might fall back in love with your husband and things could work out" when I have told him no and I am the one who left my house.

Sally

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sally289
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 4:38pm
sally, MM is scared out of his wits!! he's thinking about ending the M and wants to make sure he has someone to go to -- YOU - his new GO-TO girl!! you can reassure him you're not going anywhere but forward. certainly not backward, back to your H, if you are finally finished!

just be there for MM, or should i say, stbxMM!

hang in there missy!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
In reply to: sally289
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 3:23pm
It seems that he is scared, but he says that if I find somebody that I like to go to them even though he loves me. He has no hope and says that he has to be realistic that people fall in and out of love all of the time. I had told him that I could not bear to hear that he was going to go back to her and he wondered why I was thinking about that. He was teary eyed and said that it would just be better if we were friends. He said that he doesnt understand why I am behaving that way. It doesnt make any sense to me. One minute he says lets just be friends then he says lets be together but leave sex out to be on the safe side then he plans to have sex and tells me I look sexy and beautiful. I told him I dont know if you are coming or going. Now we are both "free" what is the problem.

Sally

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