Now what? Just trying to organize my thoughts...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Now what? Just trying to organize my thoughts...
Wed, 07-30-2014 - 3:15pm

I know this sounds like an 'After the Affair' or 'Ending an Affair' post, but I was here a long time ago about this situation. Ended it before and kept it off for a while. Obviously, we started up again....a lot happens when an affair goes on for YEARS!

I've known my AP for 13 yrs. The A has been going on for the better part of 12 yrs. At first, we were both married. I ended my marriage in 2005; not because of AP, but because my Ex is a shitty human being. AP didn't end his marriage and of course I knew he wouldn't, never expected him to (even though he complained about his wife A LOT), so I always knew this 'relationship' had nowhere to go.

AP & I were best friends and used to have mind-blowing sex. Unfortunately, he's a functioning alcoholic (in my opinion) and one of the side effects of too much alcohol & stress is ED (erectile disfunction). We haven't actually had sex (to completion) in a couple of years (we see each other very rarely anyway), but several times when his wife was out of town, I stayed with him. We hung out, kissed, and slept together (cuddled & spooned only). He called me every day, multiple times a day. We talked about anything & everything. I guess you'd say it was both physical & emotional the first several yrs and became more of an emotional A the last few yrs due to logistics and his ED.

In April, I said something on the phone, he took it the wrong way and actually hung up on me. I was at the end of my rope with him for serveral reasons at that point and I finally took the leap - I deleted his contact info and blocked him on my cell phone. Bam! Over! In June, I found out that he had taken a job on the west coast (I'm on the east coast) and was leaving in a couple weeks. I was pretty upset by that. Not really sure why. It was already over, as far as I was concerned. I guess him moving thousands of miles away made the ending too real, too 'final?' I don't know. Anyway, I contemplated calling him, but kept putting it off...until it was too late. I thought that was that.

2 days ago, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. I never answer those. They're usually telemarketers. I usually look up the number to see who/where it is and I often call it (with my number blocked by *67) and tell them to take me off their call list. Well, I did that, but when I called the number, AP answered. I was stunned. I figured he'd just 'lose my number' since he moved so far away. I honestly didn't expect to ever hear from him again. I hung up without saying anything, but of course I thought about him all evening...

Yesterday, he called again. I hesitated for a second, but answered this time. He sounded tentative, like he wasn't sure how I would react. I was pleasant, but not overly friendly, I guess. We talked for about 20 mins, just got caught up on a few major things that have happened in our lives over the past few months, since we last spoke. We didn't really address the reason WHY we hadn't spoken and I just didn't feel the need.

Now I'm wondering...where do we go from here? When we got off the phone, he asked me to save his number in my phone and call him anytime, just not to forget the time difference. I said 'Ok,' but was generally non-committal about future communication. He said, 'Talk to ya soon' when he hung up.

Thing is, 1) I am in love with this man. 2) I know that I can never really be with him. 3) Now he's thousands of miles away, so the possibility of even a FWB relationship is gone - with or without ED. 4) I'm doing great on my own and hope to move on (to someone who's actually available) at some point. I honestly don't know if I'll be able to do that if I continue any communication with him at all. Even if we are just friends, even if it's only considered an 'emotional affair,' my feelings are SO much deeper than that...

If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. :-)

I'm a isn't just what I do; it's who I am!


Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

I think I remember you from EAS, Cattitude :)

Seems you already understand that it'll be difficult for new love to enter your heart if a man you know can't give you what you want is taking up space in there.

And this guy hung up on immature and rude.  You're single now and doing well for deserve a mature man who will make you his priority and doesn't pull a disappearing act so you can't even talk about how he misconstrued what you said so it could be made right.  Who needs that crap. 

I just left a high-functioning alcoholic after 10 years. They tend to be egomaniacs with inferior complexes, always playing the victim, manufacturing slights where there are none, becoming billigerent - and trying to reason with them is similar to trying to reason with a two year old.  

Let him go and leave your door open for a good man to walk through. 



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006

I remember you, Clarity! It's been a LONG time. Thank you for responding!

You are 100% correct. Ya know what I was thinking after I talked to him yesterday?

"No New Contact = No New Hurt" Something that stuck with me from the board way back when.



I'm a isn't just what I do; it's who I am!


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2014

Agree wholeheartedly with WClarity - you should move on with your life.  You have a communication problem with this guy, regardless of who if anybody is to blame for it.  One of the best things in my experience about an affair is being able to talk about things I never could with my wife, but it demands honesty from each AP - at the very least the honesty to talk about what your boundaries are.  This guy sounds like he wants something, and he may not be sure what, but if he isn't willing to be open about it he certainly doesn't care what it costs you.  You may have talked to him on the phone this last time, but you weren't "communicating." 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
He's the past and he's thousands of miles away from you which is great. He's probably in a rut in his marriage again and started fishing again.Block his # and don't look back. You've been in a good place and don't need to retract. Don't block your blessings of finding an available man because your busy entertaining someone who is taken. Like attracts like, you have to focus on someone who can compliment you and not have to hide or be a secret. What you both had was fun while it lasted. You've learned from that experience, he was a lesson in your life. Keep moving forward and go NC.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

As the others have said you really have to totally detach yourself from AP, in order to move on to another man. Of course the hardest time is now, right when no-contact starts. It gets easier over time, but the temptation is greatest right now. I think too that meeting another guy eventually , will also go a long way to removing the desire to contact AP. You will be filling in the void with something substantial.