Numbing Confusion
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 04-10-2004 - 9:50pm |
I wasn't going to post here, other than to respond and offer thoughts and support to those I feel might benefit from my experience, however, I feel the need to vent and I need to do it in familiar surroundings.
Since my H has been told of my A, I have had many emotions and feelings, the most dominant being Guilt. Not guilt for the A, but guilt for hurting him to the depths of his soul. Through it all, I have had you. I have written my most personal and troubling thoughts to virtual strangers, and you have helped. Every time I hit the "Post" button, I think to myself, I shouldn't have done that. I feel guilty. I feel like I'm betraying my H once again.
Be that as it may, I can't stop myself. I need this. I have not told H about this, and I don't want to.
Consequently, I was writing a response to xxx_trouble earlier this evening. I had some time to myself, and thought I would check in on the "troops" (as I describe everyone here). I didn't really have any words of wisdom for her, I just wanted her to know that I was thinking of her and would be here for her if needed. My H walked in. I paniced! Closed the window quickly. So he asked me, what was that. I tried to brush it off as me just browsing the net, but he wasn't buying it. I told him I didn't want to tell him - why not - because it's my "santuary".
Anyway, he just walked off and I have been receiving the cold shoulder ever since. He doesn't trust me, and I understand that. Every day is a new discussion regarding my A, and I'm tired! I have done everything that has been asked of me, including producing pro and con lists for my H and xMM (against my better judgement and much of your advice). My H also produced one on me, and I have to admit, he seemed to put in much more effort than I. I am not giving him the answers he wants, try as I might. I am being honest in that, most of his questions, I don't know the answers to.
As many of you know, I began anti-depressant medication three days ago. So far, other than dry mouth and a little buzzing, I haven't noticed much difference. Then today, I was watching a movie "My Life" about a very careeer oriented, goal-setting individual who is diagnosed with cancer at the same time his wife discovers she is pregnant. At first, he is in denial, but then when the "end" is inevitable he begin to document his life on video as a gift to his son - someone he will never see grow up. It's heart-wrenching, and normally I would have been bawling from beginning to end. However, not one tear was shed by me. This is not normal. I said to my H, I don't think I like what this medication does to me, it's like I don't feel anything. I'm numb! I imagine it will sort itself out, once the dosage is regulated, but in the meantime, I can't figure out how I feel.
I don't know what to do. My H said to me yesterday in a very sweet and understanding way, "I know why I want our M to work - because I love you heart and soul, I can't imagine my life without you in it, although I could if I had to. I will never love anyone the way that I love you, and I want to grow old with you if that's what you want. Now, you have to figure out why you want our M to work. It cannot be because you don't want to be alone or you don't want me to be alone, and it can't be because you don't want our kids to come from a broken home. It has to be because you cannot live without it. Otherwise, you'll never be happy"
I asked him if I could have some time figuring it out. He said I could. Now, with this numbness enveloping me, I almost feel like I could care less. Everyone could walk out the door, and it wouldn't matter. I even thought about xMM today (as I always do) and thought, I don't feel anything - my heart is not aching, my stomach isn't churning.
I'm not sure which is worse - feeling everything, or feeling nothing!
Thank you for reading
Take care
Red

Pages
maybe keeping a journal would help also...
you sound as if you are mourning the loss ---
it's normal but your H or you even, may not know this -
you can go to websites about breaking up and ending affairs and it will tell you
about how it's like grieving - ( I have read about this because I had contemplated ending my EMA months after it began )
Therapy may not be a bad thing either because it explores more than just the reasons for you seeking out an EMA ...
I am sure these idea's may have been explored
but I hope they may help you or both you and H understand what you are going thru
Kikki
As I read your post, I almost felt a sense of deja vu. I too was on anti-depressants many years ago and I needed them. I had quit my job, quit school and could barely get out of bed. They helped me get back on my feet and get my life going again. But I still have some very negative feelings about the way they affected me. I have always been a very sensitive person and although I wouldn't have admitted it at the time, I did more than my fair share of crying through my youth. Once I started on the anti-depressants though, I never shed a tear. In fact, it was years after that before I ever felt moved to tears. It was horrible for me to go through situations where it seemed like I should be upset and I would just be calm. I've slowly worked my way back to feeling things, but to be honest, I still feel like maybe I lost a part of myself way back then. I'm not sure if that is real, but it is my impression.
Please don't let this affect your decision to take the anti-depressants. Because as I said, they did, in fact, help me. I just wanted to empathize a bit. I also had gotten engaged a short while before the depression set in and I got married in the middle of my treatment. I now realize what a huge mistake that was. I was going through the motions and never truly established a bond with her. I know that what you're facing with your H is incredibly difficult. He sounds like he genuinely does care for you, but he's right, you have to decide what you want. My W genuinely wanted to grow old with me as well, but that isn't what I want. So although I am afraid of being alone and I hate hurting her, I am moving out. It is the right thing to do, despite how hard it is. I don't know what the right choice is for you. Only you can know that. Just be strong as best you can. The medication and depression are so tough to face without the prospect of your M being in danger. I can't even fathom what you must be going through. I'm sending you love across cyberspace and hoping you find your way through this.
I think antidepressants are great when there truly is depression that is caused by a chemical imbalance, not life events.
Being, sad, frustrated, etc. with what we are going through is NORMAL. We have these rollercoaster emotions because of events, not chemical imbalances.
I think anti-depressants are over-prescribed to help us deal with stuff that we can deal with on our own. I do think that they have their place, but I also think that the negatives just aren't discussed as they should be.
When I was on Paxil, it felt like my emotions were sliced off--both the highs and the lows. I felt like I was in some sort of puragtory. I didn't feel bad, but I didn't feel good. I also couldn't orgasm. I couldn't cry. And I had a hard time laughing.
To me, that's not LIVING. So I quit, and haven't looked back.
If you have depression without any real cause, then YES, anti-depressants are great. But I think they are too often used to mask our real emotions, ones that once we look deeper into them and into what we are really feeling, can help us eventually make decisions that will move our lives forward.
It is normal to have your anti-Ds adjusted 2-3 times before they get it right, your dosage may be to high, tell your doctor about your concerns he/she is the ownly one qualified to deal with medical matters such as this.
I'm going to offer you an alternate opinion. If you've only been on the new anti-depressant a few days, I don't think your lack of feelings were from it. They take several weeks to really work. Maybe you're just numb from the conflicting emotions and confusion? Maybe you're all "emotioned out" from real life? Please don't give up on the medicine. You will need to adjust to it and then stablize. You are in a difficult situation, and I wish you luck sorting it out! ((hugs))
Renee
You have been thru quite a lot for sometime. It might be a numbing experience without H loosing confidence in you. I would say just take it easy and let the anti-depresssants take over. :-) Its a healing time. Take time, don't over do "confessions" with H. One step at a time.
Funnyface
Your going on line and looking at this board is in my opinion, a healthy place for you to vent your feelings. Maybe he would understand if you explained to him that this is literally like a group therapy session, and that you need this outlet to help you unravel your feelings. Ask him if he wants to continue punishing you, or does he really want to help you get your head back on straight. I know he's wrestling with his own inner conflicts about the affair, but he's not helping the situation.
You may also want to talk to your doctor about the level of medication you are on and see if it should be adjusted.
Good luck to you and e-mail me if you want to talk sweetie.
Virgogirl
Hang in there!!!
GB2
Pages