Numbing Confusion
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| Sat, 04-10-2004 - 9:50pm |
I wasn't going to post here, other than to respond and offer thoughts and support to those I feel might benefit from my experience, however, I feel the need to vent and I need to do it in familiar surroundings.
Since my H has been told of my A, I have had many emotions and feelings, the most dominant being Guilt. Not guilt for the A, but guilt for hurting him to the depths of his soul. Through it all, I have had you. I have written my most personal and troubling thoughts to virtual strangers, and you have helped. Every time I hit the "Post" button, I think to myself, I shouldn't have done that. I feel guilty. I feel like I'm betraying my H once again.
Be that as it may, I can't stop myself. I need this. I have not told H about this, and I don't want to.
Consequently, I was writing a response to xxx_trouble earlier this evening. I had some time to myself, and thought I would check in on the "troops" (as I describe everyone here). I didn't really have any words of wisdom for her, I just wanted her to know that I was thinking of her and would be here for her if needed. My H walked in. I paniced! Closed the window quickly. So he asked me, what was that. I tried to brush it off as me just browsing the net, but he wasn't buying it. I told him I didn't want to tell him - why not - because it's my "santuary".
Anyway, he just walked off and I have been receiving the cold shoulder ever since. He doesn't trust me, and I understand that. Every day is a new discussion regarding my A, and I'm tired! I have done everything that has been asked of me, including producing pro and con lists for my H and xMM (against my better judgement and much of your advice). My H also produced one on me, and I have to admit, he seemed to put in much more effort than I. I am not giving him the answers he wants, try as I might. I am being honest in that, most of his questions, I don't know the answers to.
As many of you know, I began anti-depressant medication three days ago. So far, other than dry mouth and a little buzzing, I haven't noticed much difference. Then today, I was watching a movie "My Life" about a very careeer oriented, goal-setting individual who is diagnosed with cancer at the same time his wife discovers she is pregnant. At first, he is in denial, but then when the "end" is inevitable he begin to document his life on video as a gift to his son - someone he will never see grow up. It's heart-wrenching, and normally I would have been bawling from beginning to end. However, not one tear was shed by me. This is not normal. I said to my H, I don't think I like what this medication does to me, it's like I don't feel anything. I'm numb! I imagine it will sort itself out, once the dosage is regulated, but in the meantime, I can't figure out how I feel.
I don't know what to do. My H said to me yesterday in a very sweet and understanding way, "I know why I want our M to work - because I love you heart and soul, I can't imagine my life without you in it, although I could if I had to. I will never love anyone the way that I love you, and I want to grow old with you if that's what you want. Now, you have to figure out why you want our M to work. It cannot be because you don't want to be alone or you don't want me to be alone, and it can't be because you don't want our kids to come from a broken home. It has to be because you cannot live without it. Otherwise, you'll never be happy"
I asked him if I could have some time figuring it out. He said I could. Now, with this numbness enveloping me, I almost feel like I could care less. Everyone could walk out the door, and it wouldn't matter. I even thought about xMM today (as I always do) and thought, I don't feel anything - my heart is not aching, my stomach isn't churning.
I'm not sure which is worse - feeling everything, or feeling nothing!
Thank you for reading
Take care
Red

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Edited 4/24/2004 4:32 pm ET ET by julietsfate
Brief history.. I take an older anti-depressant that I was given to fend off panic attacks. I'd have an attack in February and take the med until July. Then I would wean myself off it with no problems at all. I never felt anything one way or another - I simply took a pill in the evening. In December come holiday time... I could handle everything but a month later (after learning that what I had done was to actually stuff all of the holiday stressors and anxieties into my cup) they would overflow around February 1st. I would freak out (wondering why on earth this was happening to me) and I would run right back to the doctor who would immediately put me back on the AD. Very vicious circle and I honestly believe one has absolutely nothing to do with the other if that makes any sense. So was I ever I depressed? Nah! Do I still have panic attacks? Nah! I created the anxiety and I took it away.
I'm not sure what I'm getting at. Anxiety and depression are just so "HUGE" - there is so much to it and we are best if we don't try to figure it all out (cuz with anxiety you will just feed it by "what if?" thinking). Anxiety is also the byproduct of guilt and worry, high expectations, low self esteem and just a whole string of things. From reading your posts over the past months I do not see you as a depressed individual, just one with a lot on her plate and a wonderful ability to share that with others. You do not find yourself wanting to simply lie around and away everything.
Do you take vitamins? The B vitamins are for good mental health as are Calcium and Magnesium. Stuff yourself with Omega 3 tuna and dark green leafy veggies.
elf
Edited 4/12/2004 11:45 am ET ET by dementedelf
((((Red))))
a few minor notes... what you're describing sounds a lot like my OW who has been through bouts of depression. She also went through the numbness and eventually quit taking everything for a while because of it. Not recommending that of course, just sharing.
As for the "everyone could walk out the door" feeling... well, I don't think I'm depressed or in any way chemically imbalanced, and I get that feeling too. I think it just happens when your emotions are so thinly protected after being pushed so hard for so long. I've had that feeling with W and OW before, but I've also had it after playing a couple of gigs in a row or recording vocals for a few days; it takes a little connection and emotion to get a good vocal performance, and after going at it for a few hours a day, a few days in a row, I'm completely numb as well. It's almost like one part of the mind protecting another part.
Good luck, Red... we'll all be thinking about you. Stay in touch, even if it's not about your A and such... you're safe here with us, and that's important.
rain
I don't think I can add much more to everybody else's posts, maybe only my sincere sympathy.
I have to agree with those who are saying that your feeling of "numbness" is probably not medication-related since you haven't been on it long enough. I believe that there is a "switch" somewhere in our brain that mercifully turns itself off so to speak when we are overworked or emotionally overloaded. I've had that happen to me a few times. A self-defense mechanism of sorts, protecting us from having a nervous breakdown. I would venture a guess that what you are experiencing right now is normal.
But certainly discuss this with your doctor and take good care of yourself, hon, OK?
What would I do without you all?
I can only say that I will definitely take all of your advice into consideration. I will agree that maybe I am "shutting down" so to speak as a protective device. I mean, there is only so much a person can take.
I admit that I am an overly sensitive person, but I do believe that this depression is real. I just haven't dealt with it in the past, and now is the time to do so!
Trying to clear my head and put a priority on my emotions has proven to be a difficult task. Trying to determine what I want or where I want to be is proving to be even more difficult. My only hope is that I can straighten out the jumble in my head, so that I can finally give the proper attention to the people in my life, as they deserve it.
My H keeps saying that he is trying to get me to "fall in love" with him again, and I feel really terrible because at the moment the person who possesses my heart is the one person I can't have. I'm actually looking forward to the day I don't wake up or go to sleep with my first and last thought being of xMM. Then, maybe I'll truly be able to move forward.
Take care and love always
Red
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