Obsessed with cheating????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Obsessed with cheating????
3
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 4:03pm
Hi.

This is really really hard for me to say, and I'm sure many of you might precieve this as shallow and immature... but I can't seem to stop cheating. It started after a 2 1/2 year relationship with this guy whom i fell deeply in love with. The realationship was intence and towards the end got really ugly, resulting in a nasty breakup... finding out that right after we brokeup- he and one of my close friends had sex.

Ever since then, I have been dating men here and there- not wanting to get into anything serious. But everytime the guy starts distancing himself or is just being a total jerk- I cheat on him. I don't plan it or go out looking for it. But, its like when im sad, instead of drinking or doing drugs or getting depressed.... I cheat on my partner! I dont like my behavior and i dont know why im drawn to it!! I need to get out of this cycle. Ive been cheated on before, and I know the agony and pain it enduces. Can anyone help snap me out of it?!?! Dazed and Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 4:27pm
I understand how you feel. I think what you're doing is protecting yourself in a very unhealthy way. I have been married 8 years and I've been unfaithful many times. My W knows about all of them. I saw a therapist once who felt I was maybe convinced I wasn't good enough for her and I was trying to convince her of that. I don't agree with that analysis, but there is an element of lack of self respect in the times I've been unfaithful that were purely about sex. I was looking for something that I needed (love, the ability to feel good about myself, whatever) but obviously never found it that way. I should also mention that my first long relationship was one in which I was completely faithful but she cheated on me many times.

I would advise you to take a step back from everyone, spend some time alone and get to know yourself again. It sounds like you were severely hurt by this original relationship and haven't fully healed. And at some point hopefully you'll reach the stage I have. I know that I am capable of being 100% committed and faithful in a relationship. Most of that confidence has come from confidence in myself and also from finding someone who I truly connect with and love. In the meantime, don't doubt yourself and don't beat yourself up. What's done is done. Just know that you deserve better than that and believe that you can find it. Believe in yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 9:42pm
HI S you need to see a therapist you have hidden wounds that need help to heal.

Please do not be insulted, emotional wounds are as bad as physical ones

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:36am
You need help. And I have been there. I started seeing a therapist when I was living with my now-DH and had a brief affair with a MM, which appalled even me, and I was used to cheating on my BF at that point. Counseling helped me realize what was going on.

Cheating on someone you care about doesn't "just happen." It takes a decision to be open to it, which you might make consciously or unconsciously. Assuaging your wounds by having sex is not much different from abusing alcohol or food, and there is a reason for it. Get a therapist and figure it out.