obssesed with another man

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2003
obssesed with another man
8
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 11:36am
first of all I am not married but have been living with my BF for 5 y in a very committed relationship similar to a marriage-also i have not had an affair so please forgive me if I am not supposed to be on this board, i just thought i might gain some insights here. I am having issues with my BF and our lack of communication and intimacy. Last week I was ready to break things off with him but we sat down and had a heart to heart discussion and he really wanted to try and work things out so we agreed to try counseling. things have been MUCH better since and we go back for our second counseling session this week. i am still very apprehensive about my future with him but I feel like i need to give it more time. anyway the reason i am here is that he has a friend/coworker that we hang out with sometimes whom i find extremely attractive physically and i also love talking to him because he seems to understand me and i don't feel like i am banging my head up against a brick wall like i do with my BF. anyway nothing physical has ever happened between me and this guy and not even any flirting or anything but i cannot stop thinking about him. what is wrong with me? why can't i just focus on my BF and see if things are going to work out or not and stop thinking about his other guy? i think about him all the time and even when i am talking to my BF about something i imagine what it would be like to talk to this other guy about it instead. i think about him during sex also as he is a very sexual man and I can just imagine that the sex with him would be awesome. even at work i can't concentrate because I am thinking baout him. it is like i have turned this guy into my fantasy man who is just perfect and he really isn't. he is your typical "used to be a bad boy trying to be a good boy now" kind of guy and he is alot of fun but i really don't even know that much about him. i really have not ever even had a deep discussion about anything with him-just kind of regular everyday stuff. i feel like a stupid teenager or something and I am 30 years old! i consider myself to be a fairly intelligent independant woman but sometimes i just want to kick myself-aaarrrggghhh!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 1:47pm
hi cats and welcome to the board! feel free to post anytime.

sooooo, you find yourself attracted to another man, you're fantasizing about him, building him up in your head as a great sex partner (bad boy gone good!) and you're having intimacy problems with your long-term BF. girl, you just described about 90% of us on this board!! really, that's why i started my A. let's see a show of hands here from the rest of the ladies!!

i'm not married, but in a 10+ year live-in relationship with my BF and after 6 or so years, lost the intimacy and sex aspect of our R. started fixating on the H of one of my friends (they were having intimacy/sexual problems too). apparently he sensed my interest and started flirting with me. one thing led to another and soon we were having the most amazing sex, friends with benefits! MM and i both needed just that, no-strings sex and it was great (and still is!!), but after a year or so, we became much more involved emotionally and now 3+ years later, MM and i cannot imagine not having each other in our lives. he says he has two wives and i feel like i live two lives.

so basically, you're no different than the rest of us here. you want and need the kind of attention and intimacy (and sex!) that you haven't been getting from your BF, so naturally you eventually start to focus on other men you are attracted to. do you want to stay with your BF and work through these issues? apparently you do since you're going to couples counseling and are very excited about it.

can you give your current relationship a little time to right itself and just use the OM as your fantasy in your mind? please try for a little while longer. then you can say you've given the R a fair shake and not feel guilty if you do end things with your BF.

good luck and take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 2:41pm
yes I am trying to give it time-i just feel bad cause i can't get this guy out of my head. i am just frustrated-and i have to see this guy pretty regularly so that doesn't help either. i just wish he wasn't soooooooo hot!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 2:48pm
well, cats, OM is the perfect fantasy, so leave him in your head and take him out when you need a good daydreamin' fantasy. since you really don't have an in-depth relationship with the OM, it's hard to say what could or would happen if you had the nerve to approach him. but i just feel that you should give your current R a bit more time since you are in counseling.

a few more months of working with your BF on the R should give you the answers to need to stay or go. once you make a decision for YOUR future, you can proceed from there. and if that means staying with your BF and eventually seeing this OM on the side, so be it.

use OM like brad pitt or my fave, george clooney! keep him up there in your head as the perfect sex toy. after all, the mind is a terrible thing to waste!!

good luck honey,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 2:57pm

If you are not married to this man and there are these types of problems now...and you didn't mention kids so I'll assume there are none...then GET OUT NOW! I only wish those were the obsticles that kept me in this situation. 5 years relation to the rest of your life is nothing. Cut your loses and leave. Not that the co-worker of BF is Mr. Right, but maybe it's your subconscious' way of telling you that you are not happy and there is more out there for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 3:37pm
I agree with you completely that i am NOT happy and that is why we are in counseling and I will definitely not marry him unless we can work things out where I can be truly happy. maybe i will move on but i still think there is a slim chance that things can work out but only time will tell. i have been married once b4 and it ended in divorce so this time i am going to be positive it is what i want or i will walk away, hard as that may be. and fortunately there are no kids. thanks for all the responses-at least i don't feel like i am the only one going through this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 3:41pm
i am so glad neither of them are mind readers or boy would they be shocked! if either my BF or this other guy could see what I wish i could do to him it would blow them both away!! but then again if i could read either of their minds it would be pretty scary too i am sure....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 3:54pm
oh my cats, i'm soooo with you honey! my BF has opened up a tiny bit in the last year but he's very 2, possibly 3 positions and that it. on the other hand, my MM does EVERYTHING and more than i could possibly have imagined and it all good!!

share a little of what's on your mind with your BF and OM. it can't hurt!! and if it does, you're not doing it right!! LOLLL!!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 4:46pm
yeah my BF is so "traditional"-maybe i need to spice up his world a little.