oh crap...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2008
oh crap...
8
Thu, 05-28-2009 - 1:48am

So my AP just found out today that his W is pregnant!!! Completely unexpected and unplanned and has all three of us floored... Well, ok, so she was slightly less surprised considering she was the one who went in for the testing so obviously she suspected... But AP and I are just stunned. Him in a good way, he's always wanted kids and even though he didn't want to complicate matters by having one with her, it's still exciting for him. Which I completely understand. He didn't even think he could have kids...

But I'm so worried that this is going to change so much between us. I mean, he still says that if things still haven't changed between them by the time the two years are up then he's still leaving... But I KNOW how much having this kid means to him. And I know he's not going to just walk out of his child's life, no matter how miserable the mother is. I still believe he'll leave her if they're still miserable together, but I just don't know if he'll still be coming back home... *(and by 'home' I simply mean to our hometown)*

And I know it's ridiculous to ever believe in an A that we'll end up together in the end, that AP will leave his W and stay with me... And that it was probably a really really bad idea to let this get to that point... And that I shouldn't have allowed it to happen, esp since I'm expecting too and an A is emotional and complicated enough without hormones... I know all that... I'm just so beyond miserable right now... When he texted me to tell me the drs had called to tell her the tests were pos it was all I could do just to be happy for him. It had been an emotional day for me anyway, and that was just icing on the cake it seemed like. I cried for an hour... And I know that it's stupid to be like that. I should be happy for him.

But it's so hard...

pregnant

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Colleen
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
In reply to: colyne_tba
Thu, 05-28-2009 - 7:10am
You are also pregnant from who your AP ?
msfoolishheart
“"Truer words were never spoken -" Ah, but true words leave hearts broken! Truth is only for the wise - Lovers ought to stick to lies”

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
In reply to: colyne_tba
Thu, 05-28-2009 - 8:09am

There's nothing wrong with feelings. Feelings are something we can't control, what we do about them is what we can control. Stop the negative voices saying "I know I shouldn't have" etc. etc., the situation is what it is and you have to look forward, not behind you.

You're right that, if he's excited about this baby, he will not be moving far away. Think about it for a minute. A little baby gets attached to the people he/she sees every day. That baby grin when we walk in the door - it's very special, given only to those who know the baby day in and day out. It's extremely hard for GRANDPARENTS to have to wait years before a grandchild feels "attached" to us because we live far away - how much harder for a parent. Expect that he will stay put at least for a couple of years, when the baby is firmly attached and will not forget him between visits.

I think you handled it all very well, by being happy for him, even with your own heartbreak in all of it. It does change things - considerably. You're right to know and accept this. If you want to hang in there, you have to know it complicates everything much more than it was, and you seem to be accepting this.

I would advise you to get out of the situation now and tell him to look you up when he's free, but I know how hard that would be. It is something to consider, if you can go through with it.

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2009
In reply to: colyne_tba
Thu, 05-28-2009 - 8:21am
Unfortunately things will change and he will stay with his wife...this just confirmed it. There is a baby on the way....you may want to back off some.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
In reply to: colyne_tba
Thu, 05-28-2009 - 9:04am
How long did your A last? I guess you take care of you and let him go.Kids change the entire thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
In reply to: colyne_tba
Thu, 05-28-2009 - 11:22pm
Did she get pregnant while you were having A with your AP? That sounds as if he was not being true to you about not having any physical thing with her.I wouldnt be happy at all!! i cant pretend to be happy if i am not,thats mens job,lol.
Back off and move on with your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2008
In reply to: colyne_tba
Fri, 05-29-2009 - 1:37am
Unfortunately no, it's not my AP's baby... Should've been, and then the whole A never would've been an issue but it's a really complicated situation - I've tried two other times to explain it in different posts and it just never quite came across... Basically, AP and I were involved off and on for a few years before I got preg on one of our 'off' times... He got married on a spur of the moment for benefits (they had been dating awhile but didn't exactly get along even then), and then we just kind of went from 'just friends' to APs... I'm single now btw, that's usually the next question...
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Colleen
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2008
In reply to: colyne_tba
Fri, 05-29-2009 - 1:49am

It's a long distance EA... I knew he was still physical with his W, sex has never been an issue for us in this, it really is a purely emotional thing. I can be happy for him because on some level I am, I know how badly he wants children and I'm ecstatic for him that he's now found out he actually can have them... I'm just devastated that he found out like this...

I am kind of trying to pull back... We're both trying to turn this back into 'just friends' and we're doing pretty good with it so far... I could never handle NC with this man, we both need each other in our lives, there is no doubt in my mind, hasn't been for almost a year, that we were meant to be together... Apparently just maybe not in the way I'd hoped... I won't completely move on until his two years are up, I don't think I'm capable of giving up on that last little thread of hope. Not right now anyway... If in two years he manages to get custody or something happens (god forbid!) and he does wind up moving back then, as pitiful as it sounds, I'll let him in with no reservations. But if he decides to stay with her, or stay living out there, then I won't put my life on hold any longer than that. I can't do that any more than I can let him go before then...

But I am going to work towards ending this as an EA and put it back as friends where it belongs with his new life...

pregnant

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Fuzzi Bunz at Nurtured Family

~We are what we are at heart and that cannot change~
Colleen
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2008
In reply to: colyne_tba
Fri, 05-29-2009 - 1:54am

the A itself has only been going on since, oh February-ish I guess (never have been good with dates)... Like I've said before, we've been involved off and on for about two 1/2 years now though...

yes they do... in more ways than you think...

pregnant

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Fuzzi Bunz at Nurtured Family

~We are what we are at heart and that cannot change~
Colleen