Oh good god Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Oh good god Help!!!
14
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 9:12am
So, I've written on here about my flirtatious friend and my messed up marriage. Well I've been very good about avoiding him. Three weeks with NC.

Yeah, that was until last night. A group of us including H went out. I met H at the bar so we both had our cars there. H and I are sitting around waiting for the rest of our friends to arrive. I didn't know OM was out too, but then there he was, looking funny in a cute sort of way with this silly hat on. He sat on the opposite side of the table as far away from me as possible and we didn't make any eye contact.

When H was ready to leave, I didn't feel I was safe to drive yet because I'd drank two beers and I didn't have any dinner. I wanted to have some water and wait an hour or so to make sure I was safe to drive. (I'm pretty anal about not driving drunk.) He left for home and I stayed with our friends.

But around 11 I decided I was good to go home.

OM decided to walk me to my car since I was parked a couple of blocks away in a parking lot behind a couple of businesses. I know I should have said no, and told him I would be fine on my own, but I didn't. :(

We get out to the car and he tried to kiss me, I didn't let him. God knows I wanted to more than anything, but I told him flat out I won't cheat on my H. He said he knows and he doesn't want to cheat on his girlfriend either. I'm telling you though the sexual tension between the two of us is insane!!

We wound up talking until after 1 a.m. sitting around in the parking lot. Just about stupid stuff, like college war stories, and favorite disney characters etc. He knows our friends are going to talk and say something about how we walked out together and he never came back in. About the only saving grace I can think of is one couple we are friends with were parked in the same parking lot and saw us sitting around talking. We we sitting on the ground with plenty of personal space inbetween us and it was obvious we weren't up to anything naughty.

UGH!!! If only I was a happy wife this wouldn't be a problem. But I'm not, and I'm lonely and I'm horny as hell and this friend is sexy and funny and charming and God help me but I want him more than I can ever remember wanting any man in my life!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 2:20pm
Well its been an interesting week. H and I had a long discussion Wed. night and again last night and now again this morning.

I asked him to move out and offered that if he didn't want to that I would. I explained that I need some time and some space to deal with all my emotions and to figure out what it is I want and need.

He told me he is completely blind sided by this. Which I really don't understand. We've been in couples counseling, I've told him before that if this is how our marriage is going to be that I can't stay, and I've tried talking to him over and over again all summer long only to get cut off or told why I'm wrong, and he knows I'm in counseling on my own.

This morning he said he doesn't want either one of us to move out. That he doesn't see how time apart will help us fix any of the problems we are having. He's left the apartment now, gone for a drive. I don't know when he'll be back. But I'm going over to a friends tonight and I don't plan on coming back here until tomorrow. I at least need a night away from him.

I don't need nor want to add an EMA to all of this confusion. OM knows that. I told him that when I saw him Thurs. and he tried to kiss me. He told me he understood and said that regardless he wanted me to know that he was there for me and that if I ever needed him he was just a call away.

Here's were am at, I've found my bottomline. I want out of my marriage. H says he'll change. Says I just need to give him more time. Says I've been just as much of a problem as he has, which I'm sure I have been. But I'm scared to death of waking up 5, 10, 15 yrs down the road and realizing that he never did change and I've lost my chance at happiness. I know that makes ending the marriage my fault. But at this point I don't care if I loose every friend and family member I have, I need to get out for my own mental well being. Two people that are married and suppose to love each other should not hurt each other over and over like this. I just can't keep banging my head against the same wall and I don't think he should have to either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 6:31pm
Celtic ~ I feel for you very much. I have been where you are right now, wondering if I made the right choice about M or the EMA. I always said abuse happens because the abusee (if there is such a word) enables the abuser. Like Meow said, I too had a weak spot for my husband. I was emotionally abused by H because I let him. He had pushed myself esteem to a low level that I had panic attacks even to do the smallest thing without his permission. I went into therapy some five years ago to improve my esteem issues and come into grips with my situation. I was on anti-depressants for the longest time. My counselor told me that I made a *choice* in letting my husband take control of my life and thereby enabling him to abuse me. It took me quite a sometime to break that vicious cycle of the abuser(H) being enabled by the abused(me). My H has come to realize that what he did was wrong even though he did not consciously do it. All abusers and control freaks themselves are abused. My H has an emotionally abusive family that did not appreciate whatever he achieved in his life (and he did achieve quite a bit) and was always told by selfish parents that their wants and needs was what that mattered the most. Of course all that does not change our marriage, the loss of love from my part, but it does make me understand where he comes from and why he did what he did. Anyways, Celtic, it is a hard decision to be in a M and finding good reasons to be in it. You may never know until you give your M a try with all you got, and ten/twenty years down the road even if your H did not succeed in changing you will happy that you gave it all your best. Good luck in whatever you decide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 10:16pm
Hey Meow,

I really like that idea of planting your own seeds in your mind. I think I will go with that one. My counselor told me that I should stand up for myself, just like I do for my kids, not to let H disrespect me or belittle me. Easier said than done, but if I combine that with planting (good) seeds in my mind about myself, it might be easier.


Thanx,

itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 11:43pm
Meow,

Thanks for the input - the "seeds" idea is very interesting. Think I'll work on growing myself a little garden there... While I'm not glad to know that someone else has been through this, too, it is a comfort to know there are good people out there who understand. I'll take you up on the offer of support. I truly have no idea what my next step is - my H is a good man who, as someone else in this thread said, doesn't mean to belittle me and can't understand why I don't feel as strongly about him as he professes to about me. I truly don't want to hurt him. Strange, huh?

Celtic, hang in there. Sorry if it sounded like I was sending a dire warning - nothing ever has to be settled in a day. Just don't let those days string together any longer than is good for you both.

Kottn

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