Oh my, never thought I could ever
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Oh my, never thought I could ever
| Mon, 01-19-2004 - 11:53pm |
Hi. I am having a tough time with something I did this weekend. I consider myself a Christian and believe very strongly in marriage. Well, I went out with a girlfriend this past weekend. I had a couple of drinks. I know that that is not very "Christian" of me. This is not something that I normally do. In fact, I am a stay at home mom. Hubby is away alot with his job. And I never go anywhere. This was the first time in a really long time. Anyway, I ran into an old boyfriend. We stood and talked for a really long time. I ended up dancing with him and kissing him. I am extremely blown away that I would do something like that. Never in a million years did I think I would do that. I have been married 8 years and have 2 children. I have never even come close to doing anything like this. I feel absoulutely awful and full of guilt. I could never tell my husband. He would be devastated. I don't know what to do. I'm scared of judgement. I am completely remorseful, and then on the other hand I find myself thinking about that kiss. I know that God will forgive me. I can't get in the right frame of mind. Satan has a stronghold on me. How could I have ever gotten myself into something like that. I have always considered myself a very morally strong person. Any advice?

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You asked for advice, So I am going to tell you to do the hard thing and tell your husband everything, yes he will be hurt no question about it but if you keep this in the dark you may find it very hard to stop from doing this and worse things again.
If you are afraid to tell your husband then perhaps your minister can help you by sitting down with you and your husband and moderating the discusion.
If you really want to stop this from going any farther getting it out in to the light of day is your best bet, this will help remove all the thrills and excitment from the whole thing and help you regain your emotional balance.
You also need to talk seriously to your husband about any problem your haveing with him working away a lot you need to talk about that to and make what ever changes are required.
No Contact with the X B/F is a must now that you have given him ideas that he may very well want to prosue.
Iv do the brave thing here not the easy thing if you want good results
FREE
Sorry Free... but I don't agree on that one... I would not tell your DH what has happened... all it will really do is unload your guilt onto him... and I for one... do not think that is fair.
Being a christian... yes! you can turn to the church for advice and assistance... as far as I am aware it is confidential... so you haven't a problem.
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
I actualy grew up in the church and have met christian woman that have had A and attempted to keep them under wraps, the guilt of hiding there activitys and lieing by ommission ETC... did as much harm to them and there M as the A did in some cases.
I think also that she is showing the first indications of the addiction by focuseing on the kiss, the one way that I have seen that has a high probabiliy of killing it out right is to get things out into the open, thus the telling he husband is not so much the guilt releave as to remove the stimulas that gives the addiction its power.
The issue that seems most obvious in the little info provided is that hubby is spending a lot of time away on the job and should be addressed.
Always nice to here from you
FREE
I'm also a Christian, have always been very religious & moral, and I've been married 2 years and am CRAZY about my husband. But he also travels all the time for his work- he's been away since mid-October, so it's been 3 months since he's been home.
This weekend, for the first time since I met my husband, I was crazy attracted to someone I met while on vacation abroad. I was with a single girlfriend, and we met these guys there, all of us drank tons, and one thing led to another, and lets just say there was more than just kissing but we did stop at a certain point because he and I both realized it would be devastating to my marriage to go further.
Now I don't know what to do. I'll never see the other guy again. My husband comes home on Saturday, and I don't even want to see him. Part of that is because I don't fully regret what I did- it was kind of fun, and I get a thrill when I think about it. But I know as soon as I see my husband, it's going to tear me up inside....
My plan is not to tell. I can't. It's not worth ruining all our plans for the future, or
what we already have. It's not being bad so much as being weak.
I guess now I know that I'm vulnerable, and hopefully won't ever put myself in the situation again.... what else can you learn from this?
I wish you the best, and I hope that it helps to know there's someone out there who is going through exactly the same thing as you right now. I'll say a prayer for you if I can get past my mountain of guilt and talk to God....
What matters is where your head is.
Handle this through your church, don't tell your husband (WHY would you? Just to hurt him??), and understand that whether you're a Christian or an atheist, you're a human too and humans do things that don't make a lot of sense sometimes, especially in this area. You were a wild child for one evening, and you're otherwise a fantastic example to your community and children. Don't sweat it. Seek peace in yourself and through your church and chalk it up to a life lesson learned.
I normally just pass over your posts and keep my thoughts to myself but this time I'm going to say something.
Just because you grew up in a church (like many here I might add) and "knew" someone in an affair from a church who acted a certain way, or the fact that you had an affair and you realized that you weren't getting what you wanted/expected, that is not the case with everyone here.
I agree with Sweet and do not think that she should go running to her husband because she "misbehaved" when she finally got out of the house and let loose a bit. For one thing, the girl has not had an affair and given that it sounds like she is generally at home without "any" adult company, she is allowed to make mistakes. Mistakes don't become "addictions" just because one doesn't just wipe it from their minds or pretend that they didn't happen. Sometimes all a person needs to do is express how they are feeling (like she is doing here) and "that" can make it go away.
Also, all telling her H will do at this point is make her more secluded and feel more guilty. If they have issues they need to address in their M, then perhaps this is a sign that she needs to look at those and start addressing them instead of making "this" the issue. She didn't go looking for this exBF and given the fact that she normally doesn't go out, it isn't as if every Saturday night she is at risk of dancing and kissing him.
Finally, while many who are "anti-affair" seem to believe that it is the route to go, guilt and having others go out of their way to make you feel bad does NOT keep you from thinking about things you desire. That comes from within and others can't control that, by force or putting you down. Her H is not her guard and having him suspicious and mistrustful while he is gone all of the time is not the answer to a wondering mind...
Rose
I do not remember putting her down at all, and in fact did not do so , anyone that can be controled by a short post has bigger problems to deal with then a post on a public board.
She asked for advice and she got it mine and others she is free to jump whatever way she wants.
I knew when I posted that there would be many opposing views which is fine with me, she got both sides of the argument and can decide for herself.
I agree that they need to deal with what ever issues may be in there M, the fact that he is away a lot seems to be one of them.
She did not have an A or ONS, but what she did do concerned her enough to post at a board of this nature and to me it said that it was both bothering her and confusing her, my concern is for her long term peace of mind, not whether my post would make me popular with the girls.
Clearing the air between her and her husband I believe will be for the best for her and her M, it is not just a matter of deguilting herself, it could also help him to understand that there is a problem they need to address in there M.
An open honest relationship with her husband may intail some discomfort or guilt but will IMO lead to a better relationship and a M that will be stronger and healthier.
""Mistakes don't become "addictions""" I have to disagree with that statement happens everyday.
I know that some people have a problem with views that disagree with theres and feel the need to insult and level inacuarate charges to try and silence other people, but that says more about them then the views of the person being apposed JMHO.
I make a point not to post a second time to anyone that does not respond in a positive mannor to the intial post as a matter of respecting there right to think and act the way they please, I ask the same courtesy.
FREE
This woman is a Christian and she made a mistake. She can go to God, go to her church, whatever, and ask for forgiveness and that will be fine. HOWEVER, for the remainder of her life she will be harboring a secret from her husband. While we all probably have things we hide from our spouses, in this woman's case it is something that could become bigger and bigger with each passing year, eating away at her. She'll never fully forgive herself.
Telling her husband serves two purposes. It lets her get it out in the open and move forward and it probably makes it more likely that it will never happen again. HOWEVER, I do agree that it pulls her husband into the situation unfairly and that it could do more harm than good. I'm not saying this woman should do one thing or another -- just that in some cases, telling the spouse does put closure on at least the affair. I know if I spilled all to my spouse tonight, my R with MM would certainly be over. But then my marriage would be irreparably damaged as well.
Look ahead, not behind. There is no counsellor that will tell you to admit it. It is over, it is done, keep it that way.
If you know this was your mistake, your poor judgement, something you will not do again, what good is it to tell your husband? You will unload fears and distrust in him for no good reason. His head will be spiralling out of control like yours is now. Would you wish that?
Move on, and put all this wasted energy into your children and your marriage. If he is gone too much, make mention. Let him know you miss having him around. But, a kiss, that is ridiculous. I do not want to know that my husband kissed a girl once, while drunk, that he would never do again. Humans make mistakes. That is how we learn.
And, if you confide in the church, I would be careful who I tell. I am catholic and know that people are just people. They gossip like the next person.
Your peace relies in you and God. Not with anyone else.
Good luck.
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