Oh no.......
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| Thu, 08-21-2003 - 4:07am |
I don't know what it is....we've been NC for about a month and tonight I went out for drinks with my friends, he calls me, asks where I am, so I tell him, and lo and behold who shows up. I have a few drinks in my system (as I do right now, forgive me please!) and as I'm leaving, he calls me over to talk to him. What does he do? Pull me close and kiss me. No no no I did not want to get into this again, but seeing him made me realize how much I miss him and it felt so comfortable being in his arms again, I couldn't pull away. He pulls me closer and I pull away, saying 'not here' because there are several people walking by, and I can tell the rejection hurts his feelings. But - that is kind of good in a way. He is a very good looking guy, used to getting hit on all the time, and I am the one person who doesn't act like he's on a pedestal. I think that's part of the reason he pursues me, because he knows I'm confident and I'm a challenge to him.
But now I'm all tangled up in this messy situation again...I thought it was over, thought I could move on with my life. Right now all I can think about is OM and how little NC did now that I've seen him again. I want him so badly but I feel horrible for what this is doing to my M and my H. He asked if he could see me on Friday and stupidly I agreed.
Where do I go from here? I can't resist OM...the feelings are back and are stronger than ever...but H is a wonderful man and I know I'm doing the wrong thing by continuing with OM. What do you think? Thank you :)

I know exactly what you are going thru. OM and I decided that we were going back to FWOB, well as of yesterday we are on our way back to the way things were. We started NC on the 2nd and it is already over. I can't take not having OM in my life at all and I don't think that I could deal with just being friends. I know that I should have been strong and that I shouldn't be doing this to my H but........
I know what I should do but just can't do it. I have been trying with H but without OM in my life I am miserable and it shows in the way I have treated H. So Jeanie when you say "I want them to continue although I don't...if that makes any sense...: Yes to me it makes perfect sense. I have just made a conscious decision that I won't be happy in my life without OM and right now I just have to work out how to continue with my M and with OM. Is it the right decision, probably not but right now this is how I feel. I'm starting to think that to be happy in my M I have to have OM in my life also. I wonder alot how did I ever get this screwed up?
Its not an easy decision but you alone have to make it, we can only tell you what are experiences have been and what we have done. Remember that whatever you decide we are here to support you and if you want to talk somemore email me. DAF
Today she told me that one of the guys said to her "I can't believe that she cheated on her H" (BTW for some reason I hate hearing that word applied to this situation for some reason, it just makes me feel dirty) and he wouldn't elaborate. This guy doesn't hang around with H but I know I'm getting clumsier with keeping this a secret, especially when alcohol is involved like it was last night...I feel bad that some people either know or suspect and H is the 'fool'. I'm also worried that he will find out, in which case I think it would be better just to tell him before that happens. I feel so horribly guilty today and I don't know how to make myself feel better about it.
Great big hugs coming your way. I know that you are hurting right now trying to make this decision but what would happen if you told your H? It's been said on this board before the only thing telling your H will accomplish is to ease your guilt. Your H didn't ask for any of this. Do you honestly know how he would react to finding out that you had an A? Your life would be a lot simplier if you didn't have a R with OM at all but is that what you want? If it is then you need to start NC right away and stick to it. You need to avoid any place that OM is going to be and if he shows at a place you are at try and ignore him. This won't be easy but if you are serious about ending it with OM what choice do you have. In your situation, too many people know or suspect because of your actions so do you think that any of those people will say something to your H? You never know what people will say or do so you can never trust anyone with your secret. My advice would be to deny, deny, deny (as everyone says) unless H sees you with OM or someone has pics I think you can get away with deny. However if you decide to continue with OM you should start being very careful, no more public meetings. If you are careless then yes I think that your H will find out sooner rather than later and it might well be someone else telling him but unless he has concrete proof go with the deny route.
I know the guilt is hard to deal with a lot of the time but you have to decide what you want and decide now because you are beating yourself up worrying about what ifs and that is not healthy. Make a decision, we will support you and move forward with your choice. You have to do what is right for you but I don't believe that telling your H will accomplish anything. Keeps us posted. DAF