Oh no he didn't say it

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Oh no he didn't say it
13
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 9:49am

I'm talking about my H here.

I have been staying at the house for a few months even if we have been legally separated.  One reason for me to go back and staying is that I get to spend more time with my kids.  Also, trying to not think so much of my AP who is of course full time with his W and spends only some time with me, now I'm doubting that he is trying to cut  back.

H came up to me, said "what are you doing, you don't seem to want to do either totally break up or come back, I'm thru with you, just go back to your house and let us do what we need to do here".  Oh that hurts.  I know what I have been doing is wrong and confusing kids, H, and myself. So I packed my bags AGAIN and left Friday night.  I just couldn't take the fact that I wasn't going to be hanging with AP last weekend, so I made some excuses and went back to the house on Saturday, hung out with them, pretended like nothing had happened with H the day before.  H came and said it again "You just don't get it do you? Just leave us alone".  I begged him to let me stay for the weekend, he said this will be my last weekend staying, and stick completely to the days I have my kids.

I am a really horrible person, aren't I?  Very selfish, very confused, and so trashy because I am getting crumbs from another woman's leftover.

Star

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 10:52am
You're not a horrible person - don't let your guilt eat you up. That doesn't benefit anyone except your soon-to-be-ex who will of course throw as many awful things your way in order to get a reaction. Divorces are never easy and get a lot meaner once the wheels start turning. Just remember - he doesn't matter! Hang in there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 11:21am
Starz, did you leave your marriage for AP and now your coming to terms with a dream that is never going to materialize?

Your not a horrible person, but you are confused and second guessing yourself.

I understand you miss your kids, I understand you are lonesome at your new place. But Starz you made a choice, now you have to come to terms with it! Regardless of why you left your marriage, you did. You don't love your H, but do love your kids. Show your kids how much you love them, pull yourself together and start living your life.

Spending time wallowing in self-pity is hurting you and your kids. Regardless of your love for AP, it is a dead end street, so ask yourself today am I better with him in my life or without?

You do need to give your H and your kids the space to adjust to being without you. If you want a second chance at your marriage talk to your H. Move back home and let AP go. If you know that is a dead end, them stick to the schedule you and H created and allow them all time to heal and grow.

You need to accept where you are, then you need to make firm choices (fence sitting and riding the rail to see where things will go is not working). Make a choice move in a direction and most of all, accept the life you chose and deal with it. Only YOU can make it better, not H, not AP.

Big hugs, I wish you peace.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 5:52pm

I think what is hard for you is that you know what you want, and you just can't have it, so it makes it really hard to commit to any other path.  I remember feeling that way when I moved out and started D proceedings with my H.  In my case though, my H was a good guy who had always treated me well.  But with the way you describe your H, I think if you focus on the the negatives it should make it easier to stay away from him.

It sounds like you do not like to spend time alone.  I have a few friends like this.  It makes them really sad, lonely, and scared to be alone.  It also causes them to make some bad choices sometimes b/c they hate being alone so much.  I think that is at the point where you may be right now.  It sounds like it is hard for your STBXH to handle the coming and going.  I can understand that.  He needs time and space to create his new life without you.  You don't sound like you really want to go back, so you have to make a choice now and clearly define it in your head.  And you need to do it soon.  If you truly deeply in your heart want to go back to your H and you are willing to spend the rest of your life with him, then commit to that decision and ask him to take you back.  If that idea repels you, then commit to the idea of being alone.  It's a scary thought.  

On the nights when you are lonely, call a friend and chat. Make plans with a friend, maybe just to take a walk together or grocery shop with one.  Get some good books that you can lose yourself in, nothing dark or sad or serious.  I like to do crafts as I watch TV because it keeps my head and my hands occupied.  You have to find a new schedule for your life, and like it or not, part of your life is being alone.  It's time to deal with it head on now instead of running away from the way it makes you feel.  Like I said, scary I know, but it is part of the choice you made and your new life.  You can do it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 5:55pm
starz1212 wrote:

I'm talking about my H here.

I have been staying at the house for a few months even if we have been legally separated.  One reason for me to go back and staying is that I get to spend more time with my kids.  Also, trying to not think so much of my AP who is of course full time with his W and spends only some time with me, now I'm doubting that he is trying to cut  back.

H came up to me, said "what are you doing, you don't seem to want to do either totally break up or come back, I'm thru with you, just go back to your house and let us do what we need to do here".  Oh that hurts.  I know what I have been doing is wrong and confusing kids, H, and myself. So I packed my bags AGAIN and left Friday night.  I just couldn't take the fact that I wasn't going to be hanging with AP last weekend, so I made some excuses and went back to the house on Saturday, hung out with them, pretended like nothing had happened with H the day before.  H came and said it again "You just don't get it do you? Just leave us alone".  I begged him to let me stay for the weekend, he said this will be my last weekend staying, and stick completely to the days I have my kids.

I am a really horrible person, aren't I?  Very selfish, very confused, and so trashy because I am getting crumbs from another woman's leftover.

Star

 

Horrible is a very vague adjective. However, if we break it down to the parts that you mentioned:

1-Selfish: Yes. We all are, more or less, unless you're mother Theresa. In order to be happy, you need to be somewhat selfish.

2-Confused: Yes, because you go back to see your kids if your H was not there, and only because the party with AP didn't happen. It will confuse your kids and it won't give your H space. It's called a separation for a reason.

3-Trashy: This is one the terms men invented for women to make them "obedient". Can guys be trashy? Is your AP trashy for cheating on his wife? He'll probably be called a womanizer. and it doesn't matter who's getting the crumbs from whom, but as sunny said, you're walking on a dead end road. That has my copyright on it BTW, sunny :smileywink:

and listen to this from carmela:


One of happiest time of my life was when I left my exH.  I was alone, didn't have any man in my life but I felt more beautiful that I ever did before and I had no fear of anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 8:34pm
"I think about my kids a lot. They are too young to be without their mom for those days." I know what you mean. We have an unconventional custody schedule: every other day. That means I get to see my 4-year-old DD every day (either in the morning when dropping her off for daycare, or picking her up and taking her home at night). It is not the easiest set up in the world, but it allows her to see us both about as much as she saw us before the D, so it is worth the extra effort. Maybe that would work better for you and you wouldn't feel as guilty about the kids, or as lonely for them.

I think it is easy to just get sad sometimes. It hurts to know that the person you'd like to be with is out there and in not choosing to be with you. :smileysad:


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2012
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 8:37pm
Why haven't you filed yet?why you are stringing you H along while you continue sleeping with mm ?