Oh no...Mixed Signals ... Confusion

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Oh no...Mixed Signals ... Confusion
8
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 11:10pm
As I posted on here earlier than I was planning another weekend getaway with the OM to discuss our 'R' and to finally be up front about my M and the EMA and what he wants and what I can give...etc.

Well, the time we have to "talk" is minimal since my H is home in the evening and his "roomate/ex-GF" is home as well... So our talking is limited to emails and IMs in the early AM when he gets to work. I had sent him 4 emails since 8/4 - none of which he read ( until tonight) and he had not been online at his work since Tuesday.

I guess my mind was overactive and I was obsessing about everything ( the new house, the H, the M, the EMA, the OM... you name it) and I had been having a really emotional few days due to leaving the cottage I have been happily living in while I was seperated and before H moved out here to be with me again.... so I thought his non- communication was that he was not interested in continuing our R, and that frankly, he was too busy for me.

It's a long story that I won't rehash here ( it is in previous postings) but I have been fully in love with this man for 2 years. And I never waivered in my thoughts about that emotion until today. I started thinking - why am I, the "MW" driving 6 hours to pay for a hotel to see him ... rearranging my schedule etc. and he can't even bother to hop online to chat for a few minutes..

Well, I drove about 2 hours towards his place today and turned around and came home. Of course I bawled all the way back home and felt like I was turning my back on him and the EMA. Again... due to the lack of communication and time issues as stated above. I paged him 2 X to kind of get a feel for where his head was at and he had not returned my call.....until 9:30 PM tonight.

We just spoke on the phone for an hour. He told me due to the viruses ( he is in IT) he has not been able to check his email or be online to chat since Tuesday, and that he has been working from 5 AM until 7 or 8 each night. Tonight he finally took a couple of hours to sit and have a beer with one of the guys before calling me to see if I was in town yet. When I asked about the pages... he said he didn't get them since at the times I paged him he was in the computer room and it is tough for pages to get through ( all the high tech interference.)

I told him how I was feeling and he basically kinda cleared it up for me.. and now I am wishing I was there! He asked me/begged me to come to town and spend the weekend with him... that he was looking forward to it and counting on it.

I am so confused... do I go? Do I not go and just let the EMA go?( I am feeling I am not being fair to him .. and I am expecting too much from him...since I am still M)....

Not asking for anyone to solve my problem - just looking for input and suggestions...

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 11:53pm
Hi Chloe, and welcome back.

I believe I remember you saying how hard it was to pack up the things in your cottage when you had intended for OM to be there with you, and that H didn't appreciate the cottage?

You need to stop obsessing! Believe you me, I know where you're at - I went through a period of that, too. It doesn't get you anywhere, but deeper in a quagmire!

What do you want to do - do you want to stay with H and work on your M? Do you want to stay with H and have an EMA with OM? Do you not want to be involved in either relationship? Where do you see yourself 6 months or a year from now? Consider what you want, what will make *you* happy (regardless of other's actions or emotions - because you can't base your actions or emotions on what you think someone else's may be, because it just might not be the way you perceive it). Picture what you want in your mind and work towards it. But, be sure to picture other positive aspects in your life (other than relationships) so as to keep a balance if the relationship(s) you desire does not pan out as you envision. Stay positive in what you want - accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.

Whatever relationship(s) you desire, know what your expectations are - and communicate your expectations to ensure the relationship(s) meets your needs/desires.

Often we make things more difficult in our mind than they are. KISS - keep it simple, sweetie. Know what you want, and work towards that. You'll be happy just knowing you are moving in a direction you want to go.

Good luck, Chloe - and be sure not to leave it so long to update us!

Hugs,

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 11:01am
Ahh, I'm sorry you turned around and drove home.

Maybe with all your confusion you can just postpone

your weekend getaway with him until next weekend?

Your confusion is visible and I'd feel the same way!

Hang in there and let us know what you decide! ~passion
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 11:35am
Hi Meow

Thank you so much for replying to my post. You really help me to focus on some things and not feel so totally helpless.

Yes, I am still trying to move out of the cottage. I am living between the new house and the cottage and I am sure that is part of the problem and part of my stress.

What do I want to do? I truly don't know... if I were to follow my heart right now, I would be in my car with my pets and a suitcase and heading towards the OM. But the truth is... I don't know if he would let me into his life totally. He is guarding his heart and rightly so as I am married and I can't expect anything different from him. I did call him this AM and basically LIED about why I can't come this weekend. I know if I were to drive out there I would fall apart and be a big emotional basketcase - and I know that would not futher our relationship at all. He was clearly disappointed. I did tell him that I do want to see him and that I do miss him... and thankfully he didnt say what I thought he would say ( which he has said to me before - "if you wanted to be here - you would be here")

My head tells me I need to stay in my M and try to work things out or wait until it is more feasible for me to leave. I guess I am a big chicken - waiting for my H to decide the M is bad and leave. I know financially it is not the right time and schooling wise .. it isn't either. And honestly, I dont know if the OM would want a fulltime relationship - and it would be a leap of faith - since we have never been together for more than 2 weeks ... and we haven't spent more than 3 days together in the last 18 months. There is no opportunity for us to really know if it is "right".

My plans now that I am a bit more lucid... is to focus on getting moved to the new house. Just keeping busy with the unpacking and packing and maybe once I am all in one place and all put away - I will feel somewhat less "lost". But I am so close to the edge I feel like anything will cause me to crumble.

You are so right, meow, I DO need to focus on things other than my relationship with the OM... and I will try.

Thank you Meow.. I am trying to hold on...

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 11:36am
Hi Passion.. thanks for the post.

I wish I didn't turn around...

I really miss him ... and after talking to him it is harder than ever being away from him this weekend.

Hopefully I can make the trip in a couple of weeks...even if it was only for a couple of days midweek - we could still spend time together in the evening...

I feel so lost...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 12:42pm
Well Chloe, I think you are right in not dropping everything to rush to OM.

Oh, I feel that way sometimes - not just about MM but in other difficulties. I want to run away and escape - and I think I have done that in the past (not literally, but mentally) and not faced or come to terms with the experience/situation. Now I'm older, lol, I realise I need to come to terms with something, learn from it and move on or better the situation if it's something I want. I don't think we can really escape from something - it seems to follow along with us as "baggage", it'll pop open wide at some point and the contents will spill and create a mess.

It's easy to consider we are lost - not knowing which direction we are heading in. It's true that we need to consider ourselves first - I know it sounds selfish, but if we aren't happy in and for ourselves, then what makes us happy is only a temporary fix. Now I'm (usually) happier in myself, it doesn't so much matter what direction I take to where I want to be, as long as I'm happy along the way.

I don't even like talking with MM when I feel emotional, because I know it's something in my own mind I need to work out and I don't want to "put it out there" to MM before I work through it. It's a good thing he knows me - or rather maybe it's in the way I convey I don't want to talk about it - sometimes I do want to talk about it but not sure how to delve into it, and let him extract it from me. The other night I had been up till the wee hours crying, and when I saw him the next day he asked if I'd been crying - I said oh, I just had problems sleeping - we both knew I had been crying, but since it was about the A I didn't want to talk with him about it yet - I'd been considering ending the A. Of course I feel a bit differently now, so I'm glad I didn't tell him what I was thinking about right then.

I don't know if there is ever an opportunity to find if an A would work as an open relationship, while the A is going on. I think the dynamics of the relationship would change, and just as one can only imagine what an A would be like while they aren't experiencing it, we can only imagine what an open relationship would be like before we experience it.

Did you know one of the most stressful things can be moving? It's a big change to move from something that is comfortable and have to find a new comfortable in a new place. Consider it a challange and an opportunity to re-invent something in your life, whether it's temporary or not. I think it's boring to be stagnate and not experience change, and one is not really experiencing life without change.

Good luck, hon - in the move and dealing with your confusion. Know you'll get where you want to be in time.

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 10:43pm
Meow..

I am in awe of you! You sound so sane and together... I *used* to sound that way once :)

I printed out your post and shunk it down and put it in my wallet to remind me to keep going and look for happiness wherever I am ...

Even though I am crying buckets right now... it made me feel better.

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 08-23-2003 - 4:05am
If your intent is to hang on to the EMA & OM is on the same page, then why can't he meet you halfway? Why, indeed, are YOU driving 6 hours??? That's 12 hours on the road. Split the drive, split the hotel charges, etc. If you, a mom & W, can steal away for a weekend, he should have the basic courtesy & respect to meet you halfway. Afterall, his roommate is JUST that, right? A roommate???
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Sat, 08-23-2003 - 8:05am
Kira

It is a bit more complicated than that... but I agree with you. Actually last winter we did have plans for both of us to meet 3 hours away... and I canceled that weekend since I was waivering on continuing the EMA at that point.

But since then, it is sailing season and usually we spend most of the time aboard his boat but truly that is not the reason I am going there - and this time around his vehicle is out of registration since he has been fixing some things on it that caused him to fail the inspection ( new to this state...so many people are having issues registering their vehicles!)So, it made most sense for me to make the trip.

Chloe