ohh what have I gotten myself into ?
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| Sat, 11-15-2008 - 7:12pm |
Sorry everyone..just needed to vent for myself ...and feel the need to get it out since I have no one I can talk to or share with..Hope everyone understands..
I am having such a hard time today for some reason..Maybe its because its the weekend and as usual without it ever being said there is a NC rule ...ughh I hate the weekends!!Or maybe its a good thing it is the weekend or else I would be on the phone calling him and whining and nagging him ..lol..I hate this roller coaster ride and not being able to be in control of myself or even the situation..Why have I done this to myself ? I keep asking myself that today..over and over...Darn it..I have been involved with MM now since Aug.so going on 4 months.I am a MW and yet all I can think about is when will I see MM again...I saw him on Thrusday for an hour and very short to soon over hour and I have been missing and wanting him so badly since..UGHHH..
Why did I start this ? Maybe I should just go back to my boring ,safe ,secure ,dead life.?I don;t know what has happened to me..but since right before I got involved with AP I just feel like I woke up from a deep sleep from the last 10 years..I met Ap right when I was starting to feel all this and he with that sparkle in his eyes was right there..He never made a move on me..would just come by work office to say hello and chat and check out..But there was just something ...something about him that intrigued me,that fasincated me and before you know it ,,it was me emailing him about work related stuff and then calling him .We talked for a few weeks on the phone just chit chat and before I knew it ,I was asking him to meet up with me in person..What was I thinking?? or was I? arghhh..We met up in a very private place and sat and talked and before I could even think about it,we were kissing passionetly,.It just felt so right....For one brief minute in my head I asked myself if this is what I wanted to do..and my head and heart both answered yes yes yes...

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Oh. Your post struck such a chord with me. I could have written it myself a couple of years ago. I too felt that XAP woke me up. I had been feeling dead inside, no spark left, crushed by an H who shut me out of his life. I thought something was wrong with me physically. Being with AP turned me back into another person I had forgotten a long time ago. People asked me what I had "done" because I looked so much younger!
All I can say are two things: It does NOT get better. Like you I convinced myself at times that I was OK with it, that I could compartmentalize and deal. Other times it hurt like crazy, only meeting for a few minutes in the parking lot. We were in love and talked about leaving our Ms. It just got harder and harder.
The second thing is, you do not have to go back to your safe, dead life. I haven't. Ending the A was the most painful thing I have ever done. We held each other and cried, our bodies shaking. Awful. We said we would still be friends but that has been difficult at best. Too much history there. However, ending my A gave me the strength to end my M. Now my life is incredible. You do not have to go back.
XAP stayed in his M. He is desperately unhappy. But that is his choice.
In the depths of my despair I read on here that you would end it only when the painful times outweighed the good. You will know when you get there.
Thank your for your reply..My head is playng the mind games with me all day again today...I hate this..Why can;t he just call me once on the weekend to say hello..or I miss you or anything...just to make me feel better...Why does it have to be by there rules??? I have been sitting here today thinking about the women before me...He told me this is not the first time he has been involved outside his marriage..and I can;t help but wonder about those women and feel for them..I wonder how much their hearts were broken.funny I really donn.t think about his wife much..or care how she feels..shame on me.but the other women from before..I wonder,about..was it the same way with them how he is with me? Do they still contact him I wonder..? do they still care for him ,does he have any feelings for them still? or did he ever?So many damn questions..
Never in a million years would I have ever saw myself in a situation like this..Never..Having been cheated on by my 1st ex H to many times to count and by exBFs ..I know the hurt well..and yet here I am Married to someone who has never cheated or lied to me Ever,who is good to me ,who does not drink or do drugs ,who is good to my family..here I am ,wishing to be any place but here...What is wrong with me??
My story is so complicated and long..besides the affair..Maybe I am just not a good person really...Maybe I don;t deserve happiness or love ..
All I know is that when I hear from OM and am with him the world stops turning and its only the 2 of us for that short little while..I know its not reality..but like you, meeting Om changed me ,I look way younger these days and take better care of myself. alot due to my work ..but alot to due with him also..I am sure.
I just can;t right now see myself without him in my life..Life would be so empty and lonely and nothing to look forward to..Its sick..but right now I live for Mondays and the days I can hear from him or see him..I have no one or nothing else here going for me..My family all live thousands of miles away..I really have no one here besides H..and well he lives in a world of his own.one that I find almost unbearable lately..
This is my second marriage..so taking that step to do something about ending it is very very scarey for me..I have tried time and time again to talk to H about my (our ) unhappiness..but nothing ever comes of it..Its all the same again and again..I know this can not go on forever..I know something will have to end..the M ..the A..maybe both..but right now I just feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants and am just haning on for the ride..My whole life seems like it has been an adventure..I have had so many people tell me I should write a book .about it..The things I have experienced and done have all made me stronger I suppose..but right now I am feeling weak and vulenarable and would give anything for close friend to confide in and cry on .their shoulder..
To me the A is still so new.we are still or should I say I am still trying to figure out how it all works and where I fit in .if at all.I guess you are right and I will know when the bad outweighs the good
I feel your pain.
'
I don't know what is wrong with you, but when you figure it out, could you let me know?
Well finally heard from Ap..tuesday afternoon~ I can tell you I had every imaginable thought going through my head includiing if he was laying in a hospital or morgue somewhere..Ughhh,..I was sad..mad and then relieved when he called..Said he could not call cause he had family member working with him and didn;t have a moment alone..Of course I gave him
"So be careful and make sure your accounts are automatically set to sign in .."
I'm guessing you mean AREN'T automatically set to sign in! LOL.
Glad he was in touch and that he explained... When you're in an A you just have to learn to chill over stuff.
D x
LOL yes I meant to write that you are not signed in automatically..sorry was in a hurry when I wrote that..
it was actually a web page of his that I had left a comment ,so we got away lucky I think this time.
And yes I need to learn to chill a bit, he keeps telling me he is trying really hard to find us some time ,said he is tired of the hour meets up here and there and wants to spend some time together..Its just so hard for me to understand at times ,cause I always make the time for him.and it hurts and is confusing when I don;t hear from him for days at a time...and I guess I just plain miss him ...sighhh
Hi Ruled,
I am going to chime in a little here. I think in A land it is oh so very hard to not act like it is a real R. We want to expect our calls to be returned in a timely manner, time to be spent with each other, all that stuff. But the reality is it just can't be that way. Believe me I know it is hard not to want those things darn near impossible. During the times you cannot commuicate keep busy, it will help. Go and try something new, new hobby perhaps. It can also help you in you "real" life too, cause you are not invisible.
Hi Ruled,
Glad you finally heard from him.
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