Ok girls.....I really need someone to...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Ok girls.....I really need someone to...
8
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 3:56pm
give me a kick in the butt. I've been posting here off and on for the last couple months about an A that I've been contemplating starting. Well, I still haven't gotten up the nerve to make any serious moves and it's making me mad. I can never get this guy off my mind and I know that he feels the same about me but both of us are in relationships (I'm married and he's been with the same girl for about 2 yrs) so I think both of us are worried about taking it past the flirting stage. We've never discussed our feelings but I just want to scream at him how much he means to me and run up and kiss him. But we are never alone and of course, there's always the fear of rejection.

AAhhhhhhh!!!!!! you guys never said this would be easy!!! LOL!!! God, the rollercoster has already started and I haven't even touched him!!! I don't know what to do. I contemplated leaving a note on his car yesterday but then my doubt hit me and I decided against it. I think I just need to go for it and worry about what happens later.

There is a bit of good news though.....he is going to be in one of my university classes this year. We're both adults going back as mature students so it'll be nice to have him there. Maybe this is fate's way of trying to get us together since both of us are too chicken to start anything!!!

What should I do? Should I wait until classes start (our first class together is next Thursday) or should I make some sort of move now? I will see him tomorrow (we both work in the same building). This has been going on for at least 6 months and it's driving me nuts!!! I generally such a confident person but I've never had to do something like this! But I know this is what I want and if I don't do it.....I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

Anyway, i just needed to talk to someone!

hugs

NSW

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 4:31pm
Well, I'm in a situation similar to yours, although we have had steamy conversations and we did kiss. We don't anymore. Let me tell you from what little experience I have with this, taking it physical does not make things any easier. It complicates things. Right now you're just having a flirtation. Once you kiss, you've gone into the "affair" realm. And once you've done that, your friendship might suffer. I don't think you need to go for it and worry about what happens later. I think you should think about it long and hard before taking it to that next level. After the kisses I shared with my MM, there was a huge lump of guilt that settled between us, but the emotional intensity of our relationship was so much stronger. It's incredibly hard when you get to the physical point of your relationship to keep your emotions out of it. I can't imagine what making love would do to a person. Just make sure you're willing to deal with all the emotional baggage that comes with the physical stuff before you go there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 4:57pm
NS,

Have you thought through ALL the "what ifs"?

I mean, you think now that if you don't ever even try, you will regret it. Ok.

But is there any other "what if" out there that you might regret more?

Like, what if...

- your H found out?

- your coworkers/boss found out?

- after one kiss/one lovemaking session, he felt too guilty to continue

- after one kiss/one lovemaking session YOU felt too guilty to continue

- after several times together, he wants you to leave your M

- after several times together, you want to leave your M

- after one session, he wants to continue but he's lousy in bed, and you don't (come on, it could happen!)

Seriously, have you thought through all the potential repurcussions and decided you could live with those, too?

Not trying to dissuade you. Just want to make sure when you make a decision to do something, even if you know in the end it will land you in a world of hurt, you do so KNOWING what you're facing and willing to do that. Even 'dumb' decisions can be informed ones! Do what you want, but do it with knowledge.

Good luck.

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 5:39pm
Thanks for your advice, but as I did mention, this has been going on for months so yes, it is something that I have thought about very long, and very hard. That's why nothing has happened yet because I've been thinking it all through. That's also why I came to this board in the first place. I got a lot of good responses to some of my earlier posts and it helped me to see what I was in for.

Thank you so much for your concern, but it is something that I am ready for. I am not ready to stay in a marriage where I'm unhappy just because I'm afraid of what people will think.

hugs

NSW

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 5:44pm
I agree that thinking everything through is wise, but not always easy.

If you do feel compelled to talk to him about this I would definitely wait until you are in class together. If you pursue this and he "gives in" and then feels guilty about it you may lose your relationship altogether. I think you need to give it a little more time and see if he is willing to take the risks that you are.

With my A, I was the one being "gently pursued" for a while..nothing overt, but I got the definite impression that the OM was interested. One day literally overnight I woke up and realized I wanted him too. If he had been more persistent or direct earlier, I never would have let him in my life the way he is now. I had to be ready.

HUGS to you and good luck, please keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 8:21pm
If you know for sure this is the move you want to take, then why wait? As long as you're happy with making the move... regardless of his response, you know what YOU want and are willing to go after it... then I wouldn't have the patience to wait until next week! You don't sound like you're moving blindly ahead, so if you have a scenario in mind for tomorrow, I'd go ahead and play the cards. It could make next week either that much more delicious in anticipation, or give you some time to change classes if you feel like you need to! Good luck. I would love to hear how you approached him and how it went. I am in a similar position to yours, but have not yet come to a 100% certainty that this is something I want. When I do, (if I do) I will throw the gauntlet down. But until I'm more confident in what *I* want... at any rate, would love to hear from you how it all plays out.

take care,

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 8:36am
Well, I can tell you that it was easier for me being the pursued one. I never would have had the nerve to make a move on someone. It takes a lot because you are risking being rejected. What will happen to your friendship if you try and he pushes you away? You are a married woman, and I could see him pushing you away on principle alone. Could you give us a little background on why you aren't just leaving your marriage? Are there children involved?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 11:18am
Dear NS,

You are getting good advice. As far as tactics

of the approach go, I prefer something more subtle.

I too do not like rejection. It sounds like the

approach you are working on is an all or nothing

moment though. This has never worked well for me.

Your goal is to judge the receptiveness of someone

to you without actually asking outright or scaring

them. The following is from a male perspective, but

should work for you too.

Try first to be alone with your target. It is

a subtle show-stopper if you cannot seem to arrange

this with them, for whatever reason. There are lots

of innocent places and excuses for being alone together.

An innocent touch, briefly taken, on some impersonal

body part (an arm is good), will escalate the tension.

Use it to emphasize an innocent conversational point.

Pay close attention to their reaction. Give them time

and if they return the touch, proceed. Anything else,

proceed with extreme caution. This works well for

women and is usually a very natural gesture.

If this all works, try a little pressure on their

personal body space. Get a little closer to them than

you normally would. If they don't allow you to even

get close, or if they become uncomfortable, or back

up to re-establish a comfortable distance, back off.

You might try entering his intimate body zone (within a

foot or so of his face), even if only briefly. This will

tell you very quickly how receptive they are to you. Back

away and watch their reaction closely.

He will probably make the first move if you get this

far. If not, some close eye contact should tell you

all you need to know about proceeding. Some men really

like agressive women, but some do not too.

You may want to go through these steps on multiple

occasions, going a little deeper each time, if you

have the time.

You can accomplish a lot with strategy and a little

body language, never have to say a word, and never

really risk significant rejection. Even when I am turned

down, and that is rare if I am paying attention, most

people are flattered at the attempt. Just be sure to

give them plenty of opportunity to avoid your approach.

If they do so, respect their wishes. No words of

appology are usually necessary, there is sufficient

ambiguity to cover that.

It helps to have an exit strategy planned with a light

hearted comment to soften the mood, just in case things

go very sour.

Just my opinion here. Good luck!

ditr

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 2:56pm
deleted

Edited 9/4/2003 2:57:22 PM ET by charlotte1203


Edited 6/1/2004 10:53 pm ET ET by charlotte1203