ok- this is it

Avatar for stillwingy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
ok- this is it
3
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 2:53pm
I think I'm going to leave my H for OMM. He's pretty much decided to end his marriage. He doesn't love his W, has been unhappy for long long time. Has told her he is only with her for the kids. I know he is ready to end it because of me. I've told him I can't promise him anything. But now I realize I'm emotionally gearing up to divorce my H. I'm feeling crazy and panicky and I have no one else to talk to about this so I'm venting here, I'm sorry. But I just realized that I'm really going to do it. I'm going to leave my H for another man. His wife knows- she doesn't have concrete proof, but she knows. We both have kids. He's 10 years older. Am I crazy- completely nuts?? But I think it has just dawned on me I can't live like this any more. I love my husband, but I'm in love with OM. I have tried so hard to make things right between me and H- I have pushed and worked- I'm the one who has always made the sacrifices. And I think I'm just tired of always sacrificing myself because that's what marriage is supposed to be right? I just don't know. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Every time I try to end it with OM I can't do it. I can't stand the thought of him not in my life. I can't stand the thought of not talking to him every single day. I'm sick of trying to live this double life. God help me what do i do??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: stillwingy
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 3:14pm
wingy, i was right where you are now about 16 years ago -- in a M that was over and had been for at least three years and feeling crazy, dizzy, sick, too! i basically had a mini nervous breakdown. i wasn't finished with my M because of another man, i just wanted more - more love, more attention, more for me instead of everyone else in my life! life is not meant for women to sacrifice all their wants and needs for the family.

i did want to see another man, but couldn't bring myself to do it as long as i was married. so i bit the bullet and made arrangements to leave. i wasn't sleeping with my H, physically and sexually. the evening of the mini breakdown, i sent my three children to my neighbor's house to stay over and had it out with H. told him i didn't love him anymore, nothing in common except the children and the bills (all this after almost 20 years together!!). i didn't want to be with him, but didn't want to cheat on him, just wanted out!

after going around and around for hours, he finally admitted he wasn't in love with me either, but wouldn't leave the children or our house ever, so we finally agreed for me to go. i stayed with a girlfriend about 5 minutes away and was there every morning to get the children up and off to daycare and school. had them practically every weekend too. but after 6-8 weeks, H finally gave up trying to take care of them, the house, their activities, bedtime stories, etc. and his job, which was 12 hours+ daily and on-call hours too.

so H moved out of the house and i moved back in until we sold the house and i bought my own house closer to my family, got a better full-time job, and never looked back!!

don't get me wrong, it was hell for the first two months, coming and going to the house to be with the kids and taking care of them long-distance and then for another four months to split up the stuff and sell the house, but when the kids and i finally settled down on the new house, life was good! and i felt sooo much better, like the world had been lifted OFF my shoulders when all was said and done.

so my advice is -- no, it won't be simple or easy, but life never is, is it?! don't end your M for another man. move out on your own for awhile and see how you like being single. date your OM. let him woo you, wine and dine you. MOVE TOWARD YOUR FUTURE for YOU!! one day at a time! and great, good luck to you too.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
In reply to: stillwingy
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 3:23pm
Do you have any children? If not its best to end the marriage before you bring anybody else into it. Its lot more easier that way. Lesser to worry about - it just your needs that have to be met. However, make sure that this is what you want in the first place and you will not be guilty after you leave. Sometimes when you make hasty decisions you might feel guilty and go back to the H. So make sure if this is what you want - for yourself. Its generally not good to leave one situation for another - you will be carrying the problems from one to another. It will be hard - if you decide to go forward with it. A lot of adjustments to make and once you have go the hang of it you will be a lot more happier than staying in a loveless marriage. Good luck in whatever you deicide....
Avatar for stillwingy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: stillwingy
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 4:37pm
wow! thanks you guys! I didn't think anyone would actually respond but it's what I needed. I definitely have no intention of leaving this marriage for another one right now- OM agrees. We both just want the chance to be together without it being conspiratorial and sordid. He assures me that I have given him the strength not the reason for leaving his W. And for me it was just such a wake up call. I finally realize I can't go on pretending forever. My H is very very good person, excellent father and we are friends. And that's the problem- we are such good friends that I don't think either of us wanted to admit that we weren't in love with each other. Wanting it to be right so badly but I guess it just isn't. Dreading the thought of having to put my family through this has scared me away from even considering it- that and the shame of being divorced. I always promised myself I wouldn't do that. And now here I am. It will be long road I know and H will still be gone for a few more months. I've promised myself I will be here to welcome him with open arms and OM understands this. We have both agreed not to make each other any promises. Just that we are going to start looking out for ourselves for a change and see where it leads us. Thanks for the inspirational words!!