OK- need all the advice I can get right

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Registered: 09-16-2003
OK- need all the advice I can get right
9
Fri, 11-28-2003 - 7:01pm
deleted


Edited 12/1/2003 9:07:41 PM ET by stillwingy
Avatar for stillwingy
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Registered: 09-16-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 12:06pm
bump
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Registered: 09-20-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 1:50pm
Hi Stillwingy,

I can definitely relate to the disappointment you are feeling with MM right now. I have always been a firm believer in actions speak louder than words, but after being involved with a MM (going on 6 months) I have realized that there is a big contradiction between the two. I believe it when my MM tells me I'm the love of his life and that I'm incredibly important to him. I also believe his actions when he puts his family first. I've had to accept that he has a life that doesn't include me (thats the one with the W, the kids, the house, whatever). All that was in place when I stepped into the picture. If he ever chooses to leave his situation, he gives up everything he has known and that is a HUGE sacrafice. And, honestly, I'm not sure I could give up my life (my comforts, my security, my whatever) without a considerable amount of contemplation, if at all. There are times I would love to scream at him "put me first." There are times I would love to scream at him, "She treat you like crap so why is she worth it and I'm not?" But then I realize it isn't about me and her.....its about everything. My choice is whether I want to be in an A and accept the R, as is....or do I want to walk away.

Stillwingy, that is what you need to decide....do you want to stay, or do you want to go. Only you can decide what you are comfortable putting up with in the same manner your MM decides what he is comfortable risking. In your current scenerio, he wasn't comfortable taking the risk of upsetting his family during the holiday. Your reaction to this was a build up of many disappointments that we all face in this type of R. For the most part, we are to be the understanding one, the flexible one, the patient one....and sometimes we just can't do it. You've put some things in motion by returning his gifts and telling him goodbye. Its natural to miss him. Its natural to want to go back to him. But if you cannot deal with the R as is, then you need to stay strong through the healing process. If you choose to walk away from him, you will heal....it just takes time.

Now, in regards to his birthday, you don't have to be involved with him to wish him a happy birthday.

Best wishes to you, whatver you decide.

Hugs,

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


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Registered: 11-07-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 4:56pm
wingy, are you doing all right today? I know how exactly it feels - down the blues with people all around getting ready for the holiday season. The radio station drives you nuts by playing all romantic holidays songs and you are reduced to tears. All the while the MM's are giving us some silly excuse or another about not able to make it for the date. This is the first season for me with him and its already driving me crazy. Hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 9:07pm
They take a big risk whenever they are with us. I'm in LDA and there are times I think I'm going to explode if I go another day without seeing him.

I don't like that he has to do the family thing. I don't like that he puts his kids first, but I would never take that away from him. I know he loves me. I know he wants to be with me, but I also know he loves & wants to be with his family too.

I know how much it hurts to see him go and be with them. I know how much it stings to know he passed up the chance to be with you and I know it's hard to believe he could or would ever do such a thing, but you have to understand the situation.

How could he have stayed???

How could he have done anything else, but leave???

Avatar for stillwingy
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Registered: 09-16-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 12:59pm
Thanks so SO much for the thoughtful responses. I've gone back and reread them a couple of times and feel sanity sinking in. God this is all so tough tho! And I hate the fact that it makes me second guess everything, because none of this is the type of person I really am. So I have to remember that- give him a break because it's the same for him, right?

I went ahead and emailed him a birthday wish- he immediately emailed me back telling me how much it meant, how sorry he was for the way things worked out last week, etc. There are moments when I manage to build my resolve and decide this just isn't worth it- and then the next day all my resolve is down the toilet- LOL.

At this point I'm just going to play it by ear and heart- can't imagine him not in my life, he's become so much to me. But can't imagine carrying on like this either, it's gotten so hard.

Thanks again for the support- you guys are the best!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 4:38pm
This is a hard R.. It's tough. I question my deal with it too, many times. It just depends how much we want to keep banging our heads on the wall. They make us feel great, but when the hard times hit. Boy!! It hurts like hell!!!!

If you ever need to talk. I'm here for you.

Avatar for stillwingy
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Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 8:15pm
deleted


Edited 12/1/2003 8:59:09 PM ET by stillwingy
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Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 9:46am
what happenned wingy? why did you delete you message from the post? did i miss something????
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 10:07am
I think somebody rudely used wingy's dilemma for their amusement on another site. Real nice people, make fun of someone else's anguish when they come looking for support. Can anyone say "bitter"?!

Mrs. Grundy gets off on reading about people who see the world in a different way and then getting all judgemental and spreading all kinds vituperative. (For the record, I guess I used to be that way somewhat, which is why I feel so sad for them) Mrs. Grundy, go fly a kite!

I guess I'll know I've "made it" when I start showing up over there... Tee hee...