OK - Now what

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2009
OK - Now what
5
Sun, 02-22-2009 - 6:09pm

So, those that don't know my story is that I am a MW in an A. My A guy lives a few towns away so we don't see each other regularly. I have been what I thought was happily married for 13 years but realized that I am lacking passion and my A fills that. Mostly my A is an EA and not PA (yet).

I have planned a trip to see A in April for a weekend getaway and am now starting to realize that none of this is worth risking my M (I have 2 young kids too) and family.

1/2 of me wants to go on this trip really bad, the other 1/2 is feeling oh so guilty. I think the guilt is mostly that I really just don't want to get caught. I want my cake and to eat it too! At times, I want to think about canceling this trip but that would affect some of our friends who are also invested in this trip. We are going to a beach and we all bought plane tickets already. Part of me wants to confess what is going on and then expect my H to let me go and TRUST me. Selfish, I know, no lectures please.

I don't know what I'm asking here but I'm really really torn. I even wonder if I can have a good time on this trip or if I'll be too worried about H finding out who is there with me. I know what the right answer is here but don't know how to get out of this trip (and remember part of me doesn't want to). My friend will be so disappointed in me and I know it's easy to say who cares but it's not that easy with her. It'll be next to impossible to get out of this trip - so keep that in mind when you are posting back to me with any advice!

TIA

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Sun, 02-22-2009 - 6:25pm

I can't give advice without knowing more details because this is confusing to me.

It sounds as though you are planning a trip with friends, but you're also meeting your A/P on this trip. It sounds as if the friends are counting on you to go on this trip with them. BUT, do your friends know you have an ulterior motive for going on this trip? Or were you planning to sneak away from your friends and see your A/P?

IF your friends don't know about the trysts you're planning, then this whole thing is a BAD idea. Your friends will know something is up. They'll speculate, and they'll talk about it amongst themselves, and then to their other friends upon return home. It'll cast a shadow of suspicion over you in their eyes, and word will spread. If this is the case, I would tell my A/P that you now realize breaking away to see him is impossible. Then I would go ahead on the trip as planned with NO A/P in the picture, just a happy get away with friends!

If your friends DO know, it's still a bad idea. Someone will gossip. It's a given. The more people "in on" an A the more chance of discovery - AND the spouse feeling like a fool because so many people knew.

But your post is a bit unclear - I'm not even sure if either scenario is the right one. Tell us a little more.

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
Sun, 02-22-2009 - 6:43pm
How about you go ahead and go on your trip but tell your potential AP that you have changed your mind and cannot make it and that you've cancelled? I can tell you from experience where a "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" attitude will get you. I met my LD AP when I was traveling out of town and thought "well, it's only one night and no one will know." Even though we live almost 500 miles apart, we continued meeting as frequently as we could...that is until his d-day. Keep in mind the risk you take because it really is WHEN you get caught and not IF. Take a moment to read the Betrayed Spouse Support board if you want to see the outcome and the pain that goes along with a d-day. Also, realize that even if you say you don't want to leave your spouse, maybe you aren't the only one who has that choice, perhaps he'll choose to leave you. Make an informed choice and I think you won't start riding this rollercoaster that will eventually come to a crashing halt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2009
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 10:29am

Sorry to clarify. My friends do know about A and it's just two of them and they are friends with A guy. They are the only people that I know that even know A guy. All 3 of them live a few towns away from me and would not gossip with anyone in my local circle of friends. See see, I'm trying to convince myself that I won't get caught.

I do not know any way of getting out of this trip without upsetting/ruining everyone's plans as well. Part of me says, just go and be good and do not do anything I might regret with AP guy. That's an option and I could do that - I swear I could be good. However, the chances of me getting caught are not any less and H would not believe me and be just as upset that I planned and lied about this entire trip.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 12:44pm

Cant say much but 3 people knowing about your A is not a good idea,IMHO.You can never trust anyone completely.I am not saying that they are not trustworthy,just a small slip of tongue on there part could change the dynamics of both of your relationships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 2:33pm
Don't forget about the Fickle Finger Of Fate. You absolutely never know what is going to happen...accident/sickness either you or someone at home, run into someone who you absolutely never would have thought would be there (happened to me a couple of time during my travels both in US and overseas). There is multitude of things which can happen that you have no control over.